Lifetime Movie Review: The Client List

Last week I watched the world premiere (world premiere, people!) of Lifetime's original movie, The Client List, starring Jennifer Love Hewitt. I was happy that Jen was finally working again, but Qualler informs me that she's actually been regularly appearing in some show called The Ghost Whisperer on CBS...that apparently she's been working for some time...something like five seasons...but this was all news to me. At any rate, welcome back to television, Jen Love! And what a return you made. This movie was based on a true story about a whorehouse disguised as a salon that was busted some years back and the prostitutes (one in particular, played by Jen) got off by naming all the prominent clients that came to see them. Of course this movie was probably intending to paint a picture of a desperate small town Texas mother of three whose economic situation forced her into the most unthinkable of trades. However, it didn't really accomplish that. Not for lack of acting abilities, though, Jen!

For one thing, her character was never established as a likable or as a desperate character. The movie takes us very quickly from a woman whose family needs some extra cash to a woman whose only option is to work as a prostitute in order to support her family. She is a licensed massage therapist, and applies for a position in another town. She is hired, and quickly learns that she won't actually be working as a masseuse. But rather than apply for a different job at a different (real) salon, or you know...anything else, she decides to take the job and start having sex with men in exchange for money.

This is a woman who is established as a bright, beautiful, young (only 27) mother and wife, so the jump from "my husband is having trouble finding work right now" to "there is absolutely nothing else I am qualified to do except prostitution" is...unsettling. Especially since there are so many other options! How about going to a temp agency? Working as an administrative assistant? Stripper? Lots of other options that she didn't really seem to explore before jumping into prostitution. When I imagine a tug at your heartstrings sort of tale about a down on her luck prostitute with a heart of gold, I don't think of a woman with a family (mother as well as a husband) and a college education which she could probably lean on during rough times. I get that you have to pay the mortgage, but...the movie didn't show her really trying that hard to find other work. I think they were trying to establish that prostitution was the only way she could support her family, but...that didn't really work out. I was distracted through much of the first half hour of the movie by all the other options swirling through my mind (hello? stripper?? start with stripper!!) of jobs she probably could have gotten.

Of course, I tried to get past my doubts that this woman was actually desperate enough to become a prostitute (she was of course pretty outraged and shocked at first but when her husband didn't have enough money for gas ONE TIME she decided she had no other option), and just enjoy the movie. She quickly got over her outrage and not only became a prostitute, but she became the BEST prostitute! She was smart, if you recall, so of course she rose to the challenge and soon all the customers wanted her (because she made them feel special and listened to their stupid stories and remembered things like what candy their grandmothers made for them). The fact that she so quickly rose to the most requested whore based on her power of reading people's needs and pretending that she cared about them only reminded me that there are so many other, legal jobs that she could excel at. She could give PR a try, or event planning, or basically any kind of customer service at all. But, of course, once she got into being the best prostitute, she realized that the money was GOOD!

Another thing that made me uncomfortable about the progression of the character development was how quickly she went from desperate to totally greedy. She loved money more than her family, and of course it was really that love of excess money, not prostitution itself, that seemed to cause her eventual downfall. And of course she was tired all the time because prostitution takes a lot out of you, so she had to start doing coke. And coke, apparently, makes you supermom!! She made the coolest castle cake I've ever seen, all thanks to coke. But then she got addicted, which is bad...all things in moderation (prostitution as well as cocaine).

In the end the "salon" was busted and everything came crashing down. Or did it?

Things pretty much worked out OK...she didn't have to serve much time at all because she gave the judge her "client list" and all the bigwigs that came to see her were in hotter water than she was. This list was for some reason published in the newspaper, and of course all the wives came knocking on her door...but don't worry, they just wanted sex tips! Yay! Everything worked out in the end and we learned the being pretty isn't the most important thing (what?).

For the real Jennifer fans out there, be sure to get a copy of her book, The Day I Shot Cupid: Hello, My Name is Jennifer Love Hewitt and I'm a Love-aholic! It's not at all crazy.

Angry Amy Hates Angry Amy

You know what makes me angry?!?!?!

How much I love Deal or No Deal! Why on earth does this show make me so happy and keep my attention for so long?! There's not much to it -- basically, I am just watching people gamble for no reason. There is no skill to the game, no knowledge or talent one must exhibit to win. It is just pure, dumb luck. Yet, for some reason, when it is on I can't pull my face away from the television screen. And I must not be the only one, since the show seems to have grown in the past year or so, now appearing in the 5:00 and 6:00 hours, which are normally reserved for reruns of popular half-hour comedies. So what is it about this game show that makes is so successful? In hopes of answering that question I will examine the show in depth.

First of all, Deal or No Deal has the very appealing aspect of "ordinary people" given the chance to make lots of cash. One would think that this costly feature of the show would leave it hemorrhaging money left and right. However, by taking your average Joe and putting him on TV the production costs are significantly lower than your average program. This is what reality TV figured out a long long time ago. Also, even though Americans don't like seeing ugly "normies" on their serial programs, with game shows it actually makes the contestants more relate-able. If that uggo can win a lot of money, so can I! And viewers are always attracted to high stakes games. That is why The Price is Right and Who Wants to be a Millionaire go over so well.

Second, Deal or No Deal is fast-paced. Okay, yes Howie does that annoying thing where he thinks that he is constantly psyching you out by saying, "Open the case...right after the break," and sometimes it gets boring when they try to introduce the player's family and friends, but for the most part the game goes fairly quickly. Unlike Celebrity Poker, aka the most grueling television experience of your life, this game of chance does not require a whole lot of thinking time since there really is no strategy. And you have to appreciate a host that keeps things moving.

Speaking of hosts, Howie Mandel is an unlikely but amazingly good D-list celebrity to guide we viewers through our ups and downs of excitement as we route for the contestant. Howie has mysophobia (an irrational fear of germs) so he refuses to shake hands with anyone. Knowing this about him makes the show even more interesting, as I try to catch him breaking his irrational germ rules about touching other people. So far, I have seen him give hugs and fist bumps, but no full-on handshakes to my knowledge.

Finally, Deal or No Deal is unusual for a game show because it actually has a bad guy. That blasted banker is always trying to screw the players out of money! Why can't he just leave them alone and let them play the game? I think it is a brilliant strategy to have a villain who seemingly withholds money and has to be outsmarted by the luck of the contestants. At first, I really hated those one-sided phone calls that we had to listen to between Howie and the banker, but now I kind of appreciate it, because I want to know what that awful, money-hungry number-cruncher is going to say to try to discourage the player!

Well, there it is, folks. I have laid it all out on the table. I am a self-hating dork, who loves guilty pleasure TV shows. Please don't judge me harshly, as I am already judging myself. And that's what makes me angry!

Classic Television Rundown: Nip/Tuck, Season One, Episode 1: "Pilot"

Nip/Tuck
Season One, Episode 1: "Pilot"
Written and Directed by Ryan Murphy

"Tell me what you don't like about yourself." -Sean McNamara
"Tell me what you like about yourself." -Sean McNamara

When Qualler proposed we start doing classic TV recaps here on The Blogulator, my wide-eyed joy at the prospect soon morphed into a frenzied confusion. Simply put, aside from the usual suspects (The Wire, Lost, Mad Men), I at first couldn't think of a show that I distinctly consider my own. Now not only is TV a medium that is largely best enjoyed amongst group viewings, but also, and partly because of that unifying feeling that all our favorite stories tend to emit, I have almost always been late to the party, so to speak, reveling in the plot twists and character developments of shows that my friends have turned me onto, rather than seeking out my own to become obsessed with. Granted, the latter part of that statement's changed in recent years, with my love for Twin Peaks and Veronica Mars ruling a large section of my pop culture brain, but I didn't feel I was far enough removed from taking in those shows yet to go back to them as if they were "classics" (though I most certainly will in the future if we keep this feature up).

No, instead I have, after hours of considering all the DVDs and online re-watching options around me, to focus on a show that I most certainly don't love anymore (especially its later seasons, which I haven't even seen) but did love voraciously at one time, and actually, one that I believe was the first drama that I considered addictive. And frankly, even after going through the pilot for the first time in seven years (with much trepidation I might add), I'm not ashamed of it, and you shouldn't be either, other people who watched Nip/Tuck back in the day. In comparison, even, Nip/Tuck is still leagues better than creator Ryan Murphy's other endeavors, including the ugly, misanthropic film adaptation of Augusten Burroughs' Running with Scissors, and of course, the populist TV behemoth to end all populist TV behemoths, Glee. In actuality, the show about two best friend plastic surgeons is somewhere between his two other main efforts (one a massive failure, the other the most successful new television program in years). I haven't seen the WB's Popular, his first creation, but my odd curiosity with this man is making me wonder if I should remedy that.

But before we get ahead of ourselves talking about the big picture, though, let's focus on the actual episode in question. For dozens of episodes to come, every opening shot will contain the first line quoted above to a different patient by either Sean McNamara (Dylan Walsh of Congo!) who plays the seemingly stereotypical uptight by-the-books half of the medical practice or whom he shares the practice with: the seemingly trite morally bankrupt playboy best friend Christian Troy (Julian McMahon of NBC's Profiler!). Of course these light outlines of characters are just that on the surface. (And here I shall introduce the phrase "in true Nip/Tuck fashion", which will surely be used multiple times throughout the recap of these first two seasons. Whether I continue after that point will depend on how this goes.) In true Nip/Tuck fashion, the pilot attempts to stuff in as many overly dramatic characters arcs as humanly possibly in an already overstuffed plot-wise 67 minute premiere. It does this, I assume, primarily to assure us that our superficial (get it?) protagonists are actually deeply complicated creatures of habit and impulse and that we're not going to be bored if we decide to invest ourselves in their lives on this series.

Well, Murphy's mostly right on this one, at least for a while. When I first decided I would go back and re-watch Nip/Tuck, my stomach almost immediately turned at the thought of having to watch Sean whine in every episode and watch Christian do something selfishly idiotic in ever episode. Luckily, that synesthetic feeling subsided pretty quickly and I remembered how solid these two main characters actually are (once again, at least for the first two seasons). Sure the whole opposites attract thing gets amplified to the point of ridiculous at least once every episode, but there's so much implied history and forward traction in their bromance that it's no wonder that the term wasn't invented with the advent of this show instead of Apatow movies. Really the fact that the show begins in medias res is its most affecting benefit because it allows the tension between Christian, Sean, and Sean's family (wife Julia who is also Christian's ex-girlfriend for whom he still has residual feelings for, and kids Matt and Annie, who both think Christian's way cooler than Sean) to be palpable and explosive rather than coyly build.


After all, this is a show about Miami and modern fantasy-centric America, so I admit that its premise always clamored for more than a little soap opera-y feel to it. That Murphy's mostly able to control this without it dampening the actual emotional impact of the characters' crises is laudable, if not constantly wavering between meaningful television and gaudy television. And while I don't quite think it's self-aware enough to be a scathing critique of the viewer's own fantasy drama impulses and voyeuristic tendencies, the Nip/Tuck pilot succeeds at introducing all the social critique within the characters' lives rather well. It takes as much guts as it does insensitivity to play "Paint It Black" while McNamara and Troy perform a grotesque face lift on someone they will later find out is a pedophile but already know is at least to some degree involved with a drug cartel. And it takes as much boldness as it does brusqueness to have a scene in your first episode in which one of the main characters' wives is using a line like this one: "You're a surgeon, Sean, and on your watch a death has occurred. The death of you and me."

And while I'm sure I'll complain about her later, Joely Richardson is the one that makes this pilot keep from fraying and self-destructing due to its testosterone-fueled dick-measuring contest between two far less competent actors, Walsh and McMahon. Yes, with reductive analysis, she's just the center of a soon-to-develop love triangle (so obvious from Christian's "your breasts are perfect" speech that it makes me second-guess how much camp has been in this show since the beginning), but she's also what grounds the craziness of the show, and not just because she can deliver badly written lines without batting an eyelash. She herself is being driven crazy by the perverted version of perfection that Sean and Christian have been attempting to capture since day one, possibly more so than them because she has to sit idly aside it all, but she is also driven to keep all three of her men in check (the introduction of Matt's circumcision plot line gave me goosebumps for future recaps already) throughout the series as well. Right now she's a footnote, but even in her little melodramatic actions like flushing Annie's gerbil down the toilet right after screaming "I'm not going to clean up any of your shit anymore!" she's setting the groundwork for what's to come.


I'd go into more detail about the plot at hand in this first episode, including Christian's initial rebuke of soon-to-be-main-character Kimber (Minnesota's own Kelly Carlson) because she's an eight, not a ten, Sean's first of many attempts to disband the McNamara/Troy partnership, and the death of the aforementioned pedophile Silvio Perez on the operating table, which helps initiate the meeting of the season's big bad, his former boss Escobar Gallardo (the still quite terrifying Robert LaSardo), but I've already filled this post to the brim with enough general thoughts and reactions to keep me on track to bringing you a recap on numero dos very soon.

Grade: B+

Other memorable quotes:

• "Drop that habla no English bullshit. It doesn't add to my confusion at all; it highlights your own." -Christian Troy
• "I don't want to be pretty. I want to be better." -Kimber
• "When you stop striving for perfection, you might as well be dead." -Christian Troy
• "What we do here is let people externalize the hate they feel about themselves." -Sean McNamara
• "Trivial? This is my life. For once, give me something that I need." -Matt McNamara
• "I think you're confusing Dr. Troy's pleasant and very thorough bedside manner with real emotion." -Sean McNamara
• "Thank you for becoming so repugnant to me that I am finally going to take charge of my life...starting today, I'm transforming MYSELF!"" -Sean McNamara
• "I don't want Annie to have to go to public school, Julia." -Christian Troy
• "You gave me nothing. I made this life with you." -Julia McNamara
• "This isn't change; it's a whim." -Julia McNamara
• "So I hear your marriage jumped the shark last week. My condolences." -Christian Troy