Chris and Qualler's Pop Culture Blogulator

Kids Today: Relationship Drama

2010-03-11T03:30:00.001-06:00

I've had a difficult time getting into the new season of 16 and Pregnant, and yesterday I think I may have figured out why that is.

I still enjoy watching the show, for the most part. I thought maybe I was just bored with the concept--if you've seen the story of one teenage pregnancy, you've seen them all. But that can't be true, can it? Of course I assume that MTV picks a certain type to appear on this show. There has to be some drama, after all. I wouldn't really want to watch a show about a girl who got pregnant, decided to have an abortion/give the baby up for adoption/keep the baby and everything turned out OK, no major drama. The people who typically are cast for any MTV show are pretty high-drama people. But when I was watching Tuesday night's episode, I finally realized--it's not that I'm tired of watching the same type of teenage girl over and over. I'm tired of watching teenage girls stuck in what I would consider abusive relationships.

I realized that most of the drama on 16 and Pregnant has little to do with the pregnancy or even the young women's decisions to keep these babies. Most of the drama is generated from the terrible, horrible relationships that these girls are in. And if one watches these kinds of relationships portrayed on "reality" television over and over again, they become the norm.

Of course the girls' parents are not happy with the jerk boyfriend/baby daddies either. But more concerning to me are the attitudes displayed by the girls' friends, and the attitudes of the girls themselves who can't seem to see that these guys really are jerks and that they deserve better, baby or no baby. It was heartbreaking to watch Nikkole deal with her jerk of a boyfriend who treated her like crap even through her entire labor, painful to watch as Valerie (only 15 years old and pregnant) received a message from her boyfriend saying he wanted nothing to do with her...and this week's episode was the worst yet. I wish the show would take more time to deal with, not only the fact that these girls are having babies, but that these kinds of relationships are not OK.

Another reason that these relationships have me upset: these girls are all way cuter than the guys they are with. Way cuter. So you're dating a douche bag and he's not even very good looking?? Dump that sh**! He knocked you up and he still won't commit or treat you with respect? Your boyfriend, the uggo, gets upset and calls you a whore when you go out with your friends? But you want to make things work because of the baby??? It is NOT better for a kid to have a douce bag father than no father. That is a myth. Your babies will be better off with one parent who is actually mature enough to love another human being.

In this week's episode, our teen mom did eventually cut the bad news baby daddy out of her life, and I was happy about that. I'm not giving up on this season yet, and hopefully in the coming weeks MTV will show a little variety or at least address the fact that these guys are total jerk faces. I'm also a little tired of the fact that every girl this season has been a "party girl." Don't non crazy party girls sometimes end up pregnant, too?

Whew, sorry for the rant, blogosphere! In happier news, the newest cycle of America's Next Top Model began this week! Hooray! This cycle's theme is social networking. Each girl had to create a "My Fierce Page" and hope to "Friend" Tyra. If the girls' friend requests were not accepted, they were eliminated. Perez Hilton gueststarred because he won a bet that he made six months ago on the Tyra Show. Tyra said that if he could go six months without blogging about celebrities' kids then he could appear on an episode of ANTM. None of the girls stand out so far, but I'm sure I'll come to love and hate them as the cycle continues.

Angry Amy Ads It Up Angry Style

2010-03-10T03:30:00.000-06:00

You know what makes me angry?! Babies talking like adults! Not only are talking babies a strange concept -- because they are not quite animals but something feels creepily anthropomorphic about them -- they are NOT funny. So in this blogger's opinion, E*Trade should have picked a more worthwhile comedy sketch to get sued over. But then again, maybe this is karma for bad commercials.

According to The New York Times:

Lindsay Lohan is suing E*Trade Financial over a popular television commercial that made its debut during Super Bowl XLIV and has appeared subsequently during coverage of the Winter Olympics and other programs. [...]

The lawsuit asks for damages of $100 million and an injunction to prevent the commercial from appearing again. [...]

In the commercial, a baby boy and a baby girl are chatting over a video camera. He explains he did not call her last night because he was taking care of his portfolio. She asks, suspiciously, “And that milkaholic Lindsay wasn’t over?” The baby boy replies, “Lindsay?” At that point, a second baby girl enters the frame, in front of the boy, and says, “Milk-a-what?” In her lawsuit, Ms. Lohan said the second baby girl was modeled after her because the one-word name “Lindsay” was identified with her.

Clearly E*Trade Financial's lawyers must have slept through that whole semester of Trademark and Copyright Infringement class. So Angry Amy is here to catch them up to speed. See, some people can't understand why Ms. Lohan is suing the company for using her identity to sell their product. These people say that it is ridiculous to think that the baby in the commercial resembles Lindsay Lohan at all, so I've compiled a list of similarities between the baby in the ad and LiLo:

1) First, there's the obvious. They're both babies -- whinny, and need constant attention.

2) Neither babies nor Lindsay succumb to the pressures of the social norm to hide one's shame in public.

3) Usually babies don't really have any financial assets of their own. Similarly, the cash flow is looking a little sparse for Lindsay.

4) Lindsay and babies alike just loves boobs.

5) Like Lindsay, the baby in this advertisement has a bit of a substance abuse problem.

6) Also like Lindsay, the baby in this advertisement doesn't understand what a substance abuse problem is.

7) Just like a little baby, Lindsay falls asleep on long car rides. Ahhhhh, isn't she a little angel?!

8) Like most growing babies, it would be a healthy idea for Lindsay to put on some weight.

9) Finally, it is very important for all babies and Lindsay to be monitored at all times.

So you see E*Trade and Lindsay haters, it's really more than just the name. This ad constitutes a blatant attack on Ms. Lohan (or simply Lindsay, as the rest of the world knows her). With so many similarities between Lindsay and the baby in the ad, I can't see how she won't win this lawsuit.

Today's Top 40 Spectrum: From Jason Derulo To Crap!

2010-03-09T03:30:00.002-06:00

I've been listening to a lot of Top 40 this month. Like way more than usual. And so, when a few days I realized I was about due to update Today's Top 40 Spectrum, I assumed it would be a great post chock full of the hits indicative of this supposed surprising upswing in quality pop music. Upon visiting the charts of both pop stations in town, turns out my judgment and listening habits were simply marred by the recent awesomeness of "Carry Out" and "Bedrock". Too bad so sad. Big shocker, Top 40 music still sucks, right? Luckily the one at the top of the spectrum is actually objectively awesome (no arguments!), otherwise I might have to reconsider my ability to properly judge the output of the mainstream music industry. Ha! That would have been scary! Anyway, here are your month's big jams (sorry Brigitte/Qualler, "Telephone" by the Gag-ster is still on the outset of both stations' Top 5), ranked from best to worst.

"In My Head" by Jason Derulo: Seriously though, this song is the major ish. It's at the top of KDWB's playlist, so I'm leaning toward thinking they're still the better station, despite the new guy in town 96.3NOW!'s obnoxious DJ abstinence. In fact, Jerksica just asked me the other day what was my favorite song on Top 40 now and the only number that came to mind was this one. All the way back to when I first heard it (think wayyy back in January!) I was happy to finally be able to pay attention to Derulo's talent without the obfuscation of Imogen Heap's warble on his first, more successful single, "Whatcha Say", which you can for some reason hear a bit of at the beginning and ending of his video for this new one. While it doesn't have the trademark gimmick of the former, I think this new totally solo offering is actually much better written and executed pop song. It's a little glossy and mechanical, yes, even by Top 40 standards, but the man can sing. Even if it is Autotuned, it's not rubbed in our faces, and there's real G-D melodies that are all neatly packaged in beautiful verse, pre-chorus, and chorus segments that go down like neon fruit juice. Sickly sweet, but refreshing and tart as all get out. Yummers.

"Imma Be" by Black Eyed Peas: I think Black Eyed Peas are one of those artists that I like to pretend to hate, because I'll say they're awful, degenerates, and worse, all for hours upon hours until kingdom come, but whenever it comes down to a Top 40 Spectrum, they always somehow edge near the top of the list. Quite simply, though, it's basically because when put in a group of other awful degenerates, they end up looking good by comparison. Kinda like the kid in gym class that drives you nuts, but when it comes to be your turn to be team captain and pick players, he'll always be your second or third choice, because hell if you're gonna have any of those other idiot pricks on your team. I mean this song (and long-form video, if you dare click play above to see the Peas "act" and then string two of their songs together to tell a Transformers-esque tale) is positively dreadful by all basic aural accounts, but when compared to most pop music, you can't help but begrudgingly give them props that they a) have culled together enough different trends to make a sound their own, and b) they're a true group that alternates between singers/rappers without a bevy of guests, which is comforting. Even though it sucks.

"Say Aah" by Trey Songz & Fabolous: Speaking of sucking...no, I'm not going to go there. But newcomer Trey Songz and where-the-hell-have-you-been-and-why-are-you-back rapper Fabolous sure are! Their new collaborative hit single is so proud of its overly crass "pour a drink in her mouth" symbolism that they're not afraid to literally paint you a very exact picture of both what they'd like to do with their unnamed object of affection, but also how they plan on achieving said feat with ease (psst, it has to do with copious booze!) and hopefully few lawsuits. After all, subtlety doesn't belong on the commercial airwaves, right? What's most hilariously wretched about this very unfortunately infectious tune is that Songz does bad enough at keeping his big not-so-clandestine message on the down low (I actually do enjoy the Scottie Pippen and Simpsons references), but when F-A-B-O drops in, he takes the thin layer of mystery off the whole shebang and basically grunts that he's gotta "bust a couple off" after he "prescribes" his woman "nothing but cranberry and vodka." Gross and hilarious, but mostly gross.

"Tie Me Down" by New Boyz & Ray J: You can probably guess, if you haven't heard this song, what its message is. But let me point out my favorite/its most disturbing lyric. And I quote - "You know I'm a man and I have no feelings." The seventeen-year-old New Boyz go on to call the woman who are trying to get them to be monogamous hoes, as do they wish aloud that they just would shut up for once. As sad as it may be, I expect this from teenagers. From the 29-year-old Ray J, however? For the love of pop music, Ray J, just because you can sing and your career flamed out after the admittedly catchy "Sexy Can I" and your ridiculous MTV show doesn't mean you should be hopping on board with misguided youth as they decry the female gender while they ride their 15 minutes of fame wave. In a year or so they will look back at their failed career as a Kriss Kross for the current generation, realize they made a hit song with someone twelve years older than them, hunt you down, and yell into your dumb face - "Why did you let us do this? Why didn't you say anything?!" And you will feel even more regret in that singular moment than you have in your entire pathetic existence.

"Need You Now" by Lady Antebellum: YouTube embedding is disabled by request, and you should be thankful about that. If there's one thing worse than Taylor Swift's new single being (as Qualler so eloquently puts it (Editor's note: I must give credit to Amelie Gillette for this term) "a parody of a Taylor Swift song", it's that her twang-tinged pop has influenced popularity of boring trash like this. So listening to it is big enough of a request, I wouldn't dare make you also watch them sing it. But just listen to the chorus to get the point and then turn it off. You call that a hook, Lady Before-The-War (thank you seventh grade etymology class!)? You call THAT a hook? I'll take misogynist faux-hip hop over that anyday! (Kill me now.)

Oscars Live Blog!

2010-03-08T03:30:00.000-06:00

It's that time of the year again, friends. It's that time when we gather all our friends, movie nerds and non-movie nerds, together, in one room, to watch the Academy Awards. This involves drinking movie-themed drinks, like Chris's Avatar-themed margaritas, Avatar-themed Jones Soda cans, and more. This also involves making fun of the constant JCPenney commercials that always seem to dominate the awards. Seriously, JCPenney, peace signs in your logos are soooo 1998.

We did a lot of live-tweetin' of the Oscars last night (at least until the laptop battery went haywire) so you can find most of the room's Oscar-related thoughts here (twitter.com/theblogulator) but here are some general impressions:

Hooray for a non-Avatar-related sweep. Longtime Blogulator commenter Papa Thor will be happy that it didn't win because so many different sci-fi writers could have written the screenplay to make it better.
The hosts in general, Alec Baldwin and Steve Martin were pretty m'eh.
That break-dancing-to-musical-scores thing? Out of control! What! Were! They! Thinking!
Peter Saarsgard's speech introducing Carey Mulligan by saying "Carey Mulligan!" in the CREEPIEST VOICE EVER was pretty weird.
Man, I really need to see, like, all of the movies nominated this year. I watch way too much TV. (On that note, what was HBO thinking scheduling Big Love's season finale on Oscar night? Then again, what was Big Love thinking, like, at all this season? Maybe the reason they only got nine episodes was because HBO wanted it to be over sooner. Just a thought.)

What did you all think?

Drawing with Sean: Sayid Jarrah

2010-03-05T03:30:00.000-06:00

Television Rundown: This Blog Post Needs a Facelift! And Other Things, In General

2010-03-04T03:30:00.004-06:00

Last night brought us the 100th, and final, episode of one of the best examples of why television dramas should always have end dates. Yes, Nip/Tuck technically died exactly after The Carver sliced Christian Troy at the end of season two. Actually, a better series finale would have been the aforementioned season two episode "Rose and Raven Rosenberg". And while the finale wasn't the total trainwreck the series was had been at times after the second season (wait, why did I keep watching?), it was in some ways a more modest version of that episode. This final season did have a few very nice moments, but in general it was OK to see it finally go bye-bye, despite there not really being anything else on TV that has the same feel to it (other than Ryan Murphy's new show, Glee, which, if it goes Bigger and Badder as quickly as Nip/Tuck did, is definitely doomed to fizzle out quickly...) It will be nice to save room on the DVR for the following current and future series...

Parenthood: What if Brigitte (out of commission tonight, feel better, babydoll!) created Fan Fiction as her thesis to her upcoming Ph.D. program? It might come out a little bit like Parenthood, the new NBC series based on the 1989 movie with Steve Martin, Rick Moranis, Dianne Wiest, and a plethora of other "hey, I know that person" people. So, Brigitte's fan fiction is like, totally "Gilmore Girls meets the Handsome, Not Gay Brother of the Fischer Family of Six Feet Under" seeing that the two leads are Lauren Graham and Peter Krause. Also, with the other stars in the show, Brigitte could say that it's kind of a mash-up of Gilmore Girls, Six Feet Under, Coach, Arrested Development, Patch Adams, Punk'd, the movie Swimfan, (Graham, Krause, Craig T. Nelson, Mae Whitman ("Anne" from ArrDev), Monica Potter, Dax Shephard, Erika Christensen), mixed with a garnish of The Family Stone minus the unbearable We're-So-Accepting-Of-Others vibe of that movie and a dollop of grown-up heartstring-pulling that doesn't feel too cloying (yet). All of which is a really long-winded way of saying, this is a show that is pretty much impossible not to like. Welcome to the DVR archives, Parenthood.

The Life and Times of Tim: I'm doing something on The Blogutwitter (pimpin' our Twitter feed: twitter.com/theblogulator ... also see the sidebar down on the right) lately -- posting my fave quotes from the latest episodes of the new season of HBO's increasingly hilarious The Life and Times of Tim. It took me the whole first season to truly decide I liked this, then marinated over the year and a half it took to get a new season going, but Tim's world is getting to be pretty, pretty hilarious. "I'm Aimee with two E's and TWO DOUBLE D'S!!!" "The sin is in the meat." "W..T..Fuck?" Also anything The Boss says to Tim is hilarious. By all accounts the ratings to this series are not great, and not that HBO necessarily gives a crap about ratings, but the "save this show" formula is somewhere in "Ratings + Critical Acclaim + Buzz - Cost", so please do your part to keep that formula strong. Also here's the first episode of the new season below:

Lost: Duh.

And, some series coming soon...

Justified (FX): I already have a pretty big mancrush on Timothy Olyphant, almost so much so that I would have gone to see The Crazies and probably convinced Chris to drag along with me, despite his low "Will I See It?" percentage from last month. So, when it came out that Olyphant was gonna star on a new show from FX, aka Lifetime For Dudes, based on an Elmore Leonard short story and he was GOING TO WEAR A COWBOY HAT AND DO THE SETH BULLOCK WALK IN THE MODERN TIMES...well, you got me there, FX. And even better news -- respected TV bloggers Alan Sepinwall and Jace Lacob have already supplied their praises. Yep, I'm there. (Tuesday, March 16, 9 pm CST.)

The Pacific: The last time I tried getting The Blogulator + More Friends together to watch a historical epic HBO miniseries was their John Adams miniseries, in which I served meatloaf and mashed potatoes and Jerksica, Lady Amy, and Brigitte all thought it would be more fun to sing songs from the musical 1776 than to pay attention to the stirring dialogue and historically accurate costumes worn by Paul Giammati and Laura Linney, and naturally that didn't work out so well cuz I was the only one still watching at the end. The Pacific, however, I feel, will be a different story. Those who have no interest have already opted out of watching it at our place, and the previews for this one seem to suggest it will be less of a snoozefest than the aforementioned Adams (hey! I like snoozefests like that!) And we're gonna be pairing this with the other 10-part HBO miniseries Band of Brothers, calling our 10-week excursion War-Torn Sundays. TV Guide critic, in an exclusive conversation conducted via Twitter, suggested that The Blogulator "Bring aspirin". It's gonna be a paaaar-tay.

And finally...: HBO has greenlit one show and cast for another show that leave me feeling very, very excited. Game of Thrones has been greenlit to series, based on the fantasy Song of Fire and Ice book series that Little Qualler (LQ) keeps telling me to read. Considering I've not read a good old fashioned book series like that since The Dark Tower, it's next on my to-read list (after Blogulator friend Anna Jarzab's All Unquiet Things, natch) I'm definitely gonna read that and then enjoy the ess out of the TV series. And, Luck, the new David Milch (Deadwood, NYPD Blue, Philly) series about horserace gambling, has a new leading man, Dustin Hoffman, and a second banana, Dennis Farina. Oh man, hearing them walk around on horseracing tracks and using the word "fuck" 142 times per episode is going to be absolutely beautiful.

R.I.P. Boner

2010-03-03T11:27:00.003-06:00

We will miss you, Boner...

I never knew your last name until I saw this photo. Who knew -- two "bones" in one name. How unfortunate.

Off The Couch And Into The Theater: March 2010

2010-03-02T03:30:00.000-06:00

There are a crapload of movies coming out this month. I don't even know why, other than maybe hoping spring break rushes kids into the theaters to see a whole bunch of mediocre retread? You know Hollywood's going down the tubes when the most promising wide release in the next thirty days features time travel via jacuzzi. And judging by my past month of movie-going habits when I had tons of Oscar bait options in my mist and still failed to see more than a few flicks, I am not going to do any better at attending the cinema with the following schlock at my fingertips. Or does it actually mean I'll be more likely because I actually hate myself and somehow revel in flocking to the theater for so-so films? Anyway, my February viewings of Crazy Heart, the Oscar Nominated Live Action Shorts, and Precious were all kind of a wash anyway. They all had their definite upsides (good acting, well made, etc.) but none really stood out to me in any phantasmagorical way except the Denmark-made "The New Tenants" from my Oscar shorts excursion, which better win Sunday night or I will cry like the big dumb baby that I am. Here are your March 2010 releases (with "Will I See It?" percentages in parentheses):

Mar 5th: Tim Burton's Alice in Wonderland (73%) looks like one more in a long line of old story-rehashing with an overdone creepy aesthetic that is more boring than it is engaging. Even if it is in 3D this time. Richard Gere, Don Cheadle, and Ethan Hawke all play cops with intertwining personal dramas in Brooklyn's Finest (34%), which sounds as appealing as rewatching any of those actors' other mainstream films, though I am a sucker for watching cop movies by myself on Nerdflix years later. Roman Polanski's The Ghost Writer (48%) unfortunately has nothing to do with the PBS kids drama about a ghost that helps you solve crimes through writing and therefore I see little to no reason to see it, except that I can't help but be curious by Polanski's inability to make a good movie post-1980. St. John of Las Vegas (4%), which was supposed to come out last month, finally gets its release this weekend, and I still don't care about an over-stylized Steve Buscemi as an insurance fraud investigator trying to win the heart of Sarah Silverman.

Mar 12th: Paul Greengrass for some reason decides to cast Matt Damon as a character just like Jason Bourne (oh yeah, probably because those movies were hits) but isn't in Green Zone (56%), which I might see just because I remember liking that last Bourne movie. Edward Cullen shows he can be sad and romantic but not a vampire this time with Emilie de Raivin in Remember Me (10%) and I don't really know what it's about but it really doesn't matter, does it? Jay Baruchel somehow landed a leading role in She's Out of My League (61%), which is a bland romantic comedy that I will most likely see just because of the tangential Judd Apatow connection. Our Family Wedding (8%) is a wide release film starring Forest Whitaker that is a pretty self-explanatory light drama that I had never heard of before until just now. A Prophet (82%) is an Oscar-nominated foreign language film about an Arab man who becomes a Mafia kingpin when sentenced to a lengthy prison term, so since I'm watching The Sopranos now and am in the midst of teaching The Godfather, this one's a given. The Red Riding trilogy (55%) looks like it has potential even though somehow one of the cops from Hot Fuzz is the main detective in this dark historical noir, but I am not sure how I'll be able to see three movies within a few weeks time and so I might wait until DVD altogether. A Town Called Panic (64%), an stop-motion animated flick with cowboy and Indian figurines, could either be riotously awesome or dreadfully dumb. Finally, the fourth film opening at the arthouses this weekend is The Yellow Handkerchief (13%), in which strangers played by William Hurt, Kristen Stewart, and Maria Bello somehow end up on a road trip through Louisiana together. Snoozefest alert!

Mar 19th: Somehow not a generic action flick, The Bounty Hunter (1%) is this year's requisite Gerard Butler offensively sexist romantic comedy, this time co-starring Jennifer Aniston. Diary of a Wimpy Kid (15%) is yet another mainstream release that I didn't know existed until now, and apparently it's based off a popular book about a smart-ass junior high kid. Steve Zahn is in the mix somewhere I guess. The Runaways (90%) is the Joan Jett and co. biopic, following Kristen Stewart, Dakota Fanning, and more as they pretend to be punk rock chix. The tepid reviews from Sundance are the only thing keeping me from seeing this otherwise entertaining-looking flick. Repo Men (35%) is unfortunately not the sequel to the non-plural Emilio Estevez cult fave, but rather an action-version of Repo! The Genetic Opera, about illegal organ hunting starring Jude Law and Liev Schreiber. Sounds trashy, possibly fun, and definitely terrible. The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo (49%) is an indie thriller, so it automatically bypasses the 40% mark, but it looks dull because it's about a computer hacker, so it can't quite break the halfway threshold. Fish Tank (42%) looks like it may be a hipster mumblecore pain in the ass, but then again, those movies also always have potential because they are sparse and haunting as much as they are boring. This one's about a 15-year-old whose mother brings home a new boyfriend. Mother (45%) is once again an indie thriller, but is also Asian, which gives it bonus points, but also sounds like your typical revenge flick (mother looks for revenge on son who was framed for murder) so it also doesn't quite make the halfway mark. Art of the Steal (78%) looks like a fascinating documentary (not always an oxymoron) about how somebody tried to legally seize the art gallery fortunes of a man who voraciously fought for having a museum in the Pennsylvanian countryside rather than in a sterile downtown setting.

Mar 26th: The best Dreamworks can come up with combat Avatar is How to Train Your Dragon (14%), which looks like a mopey animated-for-kids version of just the dragon training scene from the aforementioned blockbuster over and over again. Hot Tub Time Machine (97%), as much as I may hate to admit it, will definitely get seen even though I still haven't laughed at anything in its trailer. And so goes the sad inevitabilities of life. Greenberg (86%) is the latest Noah Baumbach (The Squid & The Whale, Margot At the Wedding) creation and thus I will most assuredly see it, especially since it seems to be Ben Stiller's chance to redeem himself and do something more low key for the first time in years. Terribly Happy (73%) is a Danish cop flick, so it gets way more percentage points than any American cop flick, and it involves a policeman who's prone to nervous breakdowns, so that makes it introspective, thus even more points. Neil Young Trunk Show (2%) is a Neil Young concert film that's finally getting its arthouse release and although I respect the man's talents, I have never clicked with his music. Chloe (67%) is Atom Egoyan's latest melodrama, and I'm glad I finally saw last year's Adoration, so I'm going to put more of an effort into catching this one in the theater. Lastly, City Island (26%) is yet another family comedy drama, this time taking place on Staten Island and starring Andy Garcia as the patriarch, so it really doesn't bear any grand interest to me.

Cable Television Rundown: Big Love? Tetherball? Really?

2010-03-01T03:30:00.000-06:00

Yeesh, where do I begin, Big Love?

One, nine episodes of a season for a show that has previously existed on 12 in the first two seasons, then 10 in the third season, is just way too condensed. Obviously, this season has been rushed (and, frankly, last year felt as rushed at times), and as a result, there are about 10 million plots in the air at one time. Last week's episode, "Blood Atonement" haphazardly brought to a conclusion the bizarre saga of Frank, Lois, a bunch of birds, Kathy Marquart's twin sister, ultimately Ben, the Hollis Green clan, Mexico, and Bill/Joey coming to the rescue, which culminated in Lois chopping Hollis's arm off. If that sounds like something from a show not like the show you know Big Love to be...well, you are correct. In the end, Ben, Bill, and gang all came home, told everyone what happened, they showed them all hugging for about 20 seconds, and all was well. So, what was the point?

Another "what's the point" moment was Sarah Hendrickson's final episode last night, "Next Ticket Out". Last season, the much lauded episode "Come, Ye Saints" pulled everything that is great about the show together by deftly balancing the comedy of the Hendrickson family, their search for meaning in their religion, sadness and secrets, and ultimately, catharsis. And Sarah was the center of that episode, culminating in that memorable scene where the whole family pulled over to watch the sunset and comfort her after losing her baby. Of course, last night, being that Amanda Seyfried has decided to move on from the series to pursue films like Dear John (hey Brigitte, you promised you'd take me on my birthday!), her character's exit from the show was, again, rushed through by explaining that she's moving to Portland with Scott, and a sort of awkward scene that, again, lasted about 30 seconds to show that Bill still loves her, despite everything, near the end of the episode. This, after a weirdly epic game of Tetherball played between Bill and Goran, Margene's new husband(!!!) ("in paper only"). Hey, that reminds me that Ana came back and is pregnant with Bill's baby. Meanwhile, Bill is running for Senate, partially because he wants to out his family as a morally strong polygamist mainstream family, has opened a casino, and (ostensibly) still runs his Home Plus store. Wow, I watch TV to escape the stresses of our lives' many commitments, but when I watch Big Love this season, I just get anxious.

The one plot, though, that has paid dividends, is the one with Alby and the UEB trustee who committed suicide a couple episodes ago. This season, Alby has been revealed to be much more sympathetic than he has ever been. Last night's strongest scene, though, featured Alby pushing Nicki away from him, while the ghost of his father taunted him. It was very Anakin Skywalker Turning Into Darth Vader, minus the atrocious dialogue penned by George Lucas.

Still, this season has mostly been dizzying and, unlike last season where there was real emotional resonance behind the dizzying plot twists, this season has just left me exhausted.

Something Smells Gamey: More Rain

2010-02-26T02:26:00.005-06:00

If you are here, then that means you've chosen the ending to Mark's rose-tinted preview of Heavy Rain that leads to me overanalyzing its essence.

Don't worry. You stumble upon a scene with no spoilers.

If you still wish to go back, please load your previous save. Remember, however, that a real choice cannot be undone.

Did that last sentence sound pretentious to you? It should have; and in fact, it's that kind of attitude that almost kept me from picking up Heavy Rain for the Playstation 3. The game's director/writer/mastermind David Cage comes off as an arrogant douchebag with no perspective of place within his industry. Then again, he is French. Consider this recent quote of his: "Heavy Rain has the courage to break with most of the video game rules that were established 20 years ago and are still used today by most games." I acknowledge that most products of any medium tread in tried and true techniques, but there is always a faction at work to deliver new experiences. And that is just as true in the video game industry (e.g., Braid, Flower).

Let me step back for a second and refresh Mark's overview of the game, though. Heavy Rain is a self-proclaimed "interactive drama" in which a choose-your-own-adventure style story effectively plays out through your ability to react to onscreen button prompts. It is a glorified and extended quicktime event, and I'll admit that I'm drawn to the possibility. I was super excited to finally find Indigo Prophecy (aka Fahrenheit) on store shelves, which was Cage's previous output. And the first half of that game did feel new and incredible, before it fell off the deep-end into absurdity.

Heavy Rain fixes a lot of its predecessors' flaws, most notably by making the button pressing events match up more naturally to the onscreen action. There's even some motion controls thrown in for you Wii lovers, which bothered me only in so much as it didn't register some of my subtler attempts at not disturbing the cats on my lap. I faced serious repercussions for my failures, but the continued purring on my lap soothed over my fury.

The success of Heavy Rain ultimately depends on its story. And while plot holes riddle any probing look at the conclusion, I have to say I was pretty satisfied in the end. Still, Cage definitely needs to reevaluate some aspects of his storytelling before he (insert your word here)s all over the place.

The essential human relationship of the game introduced at the beginning is that of a father and his sons. This is nice, especially considering how many father/son game relationships feature that son being the spawn of a demonic, trident-wielding netherbeast. Nevertheless, I felt like this game started me back at literary square one with a "perfect" family in which the dad is telling his sons how great they are and the kids giggle and tell their dad how much they love playing with him and how he's the best dad in the world.

There is no subtlety here, and, most importantly, there is no real human interaction. Maybe I believe this because I'm a new age intellectual whose every action is jaded with cynicism, but I do not believe that families anywhere actually act like they do in these contrived situations. I'm fine with a simple scene of familial joy, but throw in a non sequitur here or there to tint the puritanical perfection with a shade of reality. I wanted something bad to happen to these people at the beginning of this game because I was annoyed by the cardboard cutouts presented to me as conceived content. Then again, I already knew bad things would happen, so maybe I was just anxious.

This contrivance is a problem not just with Heavy Rain, but with all melodrama. Because the story is so focused on delivering a serious statement, the characters are pigeonholed into spouting cliches that build little upon their character. In retrospect, this may be my number one reason for disliking Avatar so much (in spite of its resultant fan fiction). Every single aspect of that movie was so built into an archetype that I knew exactly what I was going to see in 20 minutes, 45 minutes, etc. all the way up and through the end; and I wanted to leave at that first interval because of it. Screw technological prowess. I'd rather look at Earth trees than Pandora trees; at least those have real life happening around them.

Now, aside from the main family in Heavy Rain, most other characters are portrayed with enough attitude to make me forgive and forget the tactic. Who doesn't love a weathered private investigator, or a smart and beautiful pair of CGI tits? I know I do. Serious issues can arise when these personalities are stretched into arbitrary romance plots seemingly driven by nothing more than the desire to animate a sex scene (Indigo Prophecy failed hard in this aspect). Yet that shouldn't be a problem with a good set of story editors, right?

Which brings me to my oh-so-brilliant hypothesis: Self-proclaimed prodigies are destined to disappoint. James Cameron thinks he is the second coming because of his ability to retell a tragic shipwreck and a book about a desert planet written in 1965. David Cage thinks he is revolutionizing a medium he outwardly slights as naive and childlike when so much of his vision is just that. I applaud the entertainment I derived from Heavy Rain these past few days. It is a marvelous technological achievement (more groundbreaking than Avatar, I'd argue, in its potential to inspire truly interactive cinema). But it is not a solitary beacon that has spun to light of its own free will in absentia of influence to become the one true image of our future.

In fact, the Mass Effect series is already telling more complex, human stories that make me seriously fret over my in-game decisions and actions. That, however, is a tale for another time...

Aren't my opinions genius?

Kids Today: Same old, Same old

2010-02-24T19:46:00.012-06:00

Greetings! The thing we've been waiting for has finally arrived: the second season of 16 and Pregnant started...and I missed it! Where have I been? I've been a devout watcher of Teen Mom, and I was really looking forward to the new season of 16 and Pregnant, and then I just completely forgot about it until I was channel surfing last night after LOST and happened upon some back-to-back rerun episodes of the new season. There have already been two new episodes. I feel like such a bad television viewer.
Image courtesy MTV.com, where you can watch full episodes.

I tried to watch one episode last night, and I found my interest quickly waning. The girls seemed the same as last season, the boyfriends were still total douche bags, and the parents were...less than supportive. Maybe I was just mentally tired after watching LOST and couldn't get into it. Or maybe...if you've seen one season of 16 and Pregnant, you've seen them all.

I'm not ready to give up on this show yet. I'm going to watch some on Saturday morning while I eat my breakfast and get ready to start my day. The series really seems appropriate for a Saturday morning program (a little light entertainment...nothing life changing like, you know, childbirth or anything).

I'll report back next week with a better review. Hopefully a little distance from Jack, Kate, and the gang will put me in the correct frame of mind to watch teenage girls become mothers. I'll be more sympathetic and emotionally involved when I'm not thinking "Oh, boo hoo, you're having a baby. At least you aren't on a crazy island, and there are no Others waiting to steal the baby once he's born (or are there?)." I'm starting to think that nothing can really follow LOST. I need to spend the rest of the night in silence, contemplating what I think I know about my own existence.

Or else spend the evening reading Sweet Little Lies: An L.A. Candy Novel!! So far, much like in the last book, nothing has happened. I'll let you know when something does.

Speaking of nothing happening: I've heard a few complaints (very few, that stick out from the mostly rave reviews) regarding my Avatar fan fiction. Some of you have said that "nothing has happened yet." To which I say: doi. Did anything happen during the entire movie? And you loved it! Keep reading in the hopes that something does, someday, happen.

The Quest Continues: The Blockbuster Jams Of 1998

2010-02-23T03:30:00.000-06:00

I'm so weary about 1998. I mean, the purpose of this Quest for the Single Finest Film of Our Generation is to find the film whose nostalgia value equals its current re-watch value. These two requirements (nevermind the fact that the Quest officially ended months ago with Home Alone ultimately clinching the title, thanks to your votes) coupled in my mind with the films of 1998, a year when most of us started legally driving cars, either with or without parental supervision. This is a significant year (don't worry, we'll go back to the 80s next month, or you can vote for 1988 here, but I must air these grievances before they make my head explode) because either movies started sucking entertainment value-wise or my brain started idiotically maturing and craving pretentious artsy stuff. Case in point: Saving Private Ryan, A Bug's Life, The Waterboy, and Doctor Dolittle. These four films, all top ten box office grossers for the year in question, all sucked (full disclosure: I never saw A Bug's Life). Sure I gobbled up Spielberg's war epic like everyone else, but I don't think I ever had a desire to see it again or talk about the suspense-riddled battle sequences. Other than that though, I did not enjoy my time at the theater for any of these films. However, I was able to find five films in the top ten that did tickle my proverbial cinema pickle that year, and they are laid out (vote for your fave!) below...

Armageddon: My admiration for this atrocious film proves that I was not as smart as I wanted to be as a 15-year-old, and thus suggests that 1998 does deserve to be a year included on the journey of the Quest (redundant?) as I originally thought (1998 was considered in my original post that kicked off the Quest, but ultimately ignored as the Quest dwindled to its first close). Where's the proof? Well two things come to mind: 1) I once cried at the ending, when the courageous Bruce Willis gave his life so his daughter Liv Tyler could marry Ben Affleck (paging Dr. Freud) as I viewed it for the third or fourth time while sick from school my junior or possibly even senior year, and 2) it was presented in my first college film study class as "the worst movie ever made" with a lot of good arguments made, including the fact that no shot lasts for more than 2-3 seconds, providing a launchpad for the ADD generation that was to follow. Too bad that just made me like the film more. Thus, my official vote goes to Armageddon.

There's Something About Mary: I won't lie. I absolutely loved my first time seeing this movie. Saw it with my brother at the hometown theater on a hot summer weekday afternoon when there were approximately six other people in attendance. The movie had been out for a while at that point and I was excited to finally see that movie that critics both acclaimed and called "gross" simultaneously. A rare treat for teen film dweeb boys. Upon my first viewing (which I'm emphasizing multiple times here on purpose) I was geeking out alongside my brother at all the disgusting gags that (deservedly or undeservedly is up for debate) the Farrelly brothers got away with. That said, upon repeat viewings the only thing that stands up is the Brett Favre joke and Jonathan Richman as the town troubadour. Other than that, it's a big mess of a movie, lacking sympathetic characters and timeless humor, especially because it's the sad kind of funny that can easily get one-upped a couple years later by the next "breakout comedy" - cough cough The Hangover.

Rush Hour: Okay, get over it. I remember vaguely liking Rush Hour when I first saw it. I was one of those pre-teens that went to see those dubbed Jackie Chan movies, so when he finally got a starring role in a big-budget English-language flick, I was interested. Also, Chris Tucker's portrayal of DJ Ruby Rhod in The Fifth Element is one of my favorite performance of all time; nostalgia doesn't even play a factor in that decision. So I just assumed I would think Rush Hour was a hilarious buddy action flick reviving the great tradition of Lethal Weapon or Beverly Hills Cop. Well, I was wrong, and I was also very wrong. But this grand illusion in my 15-year-old brain at least held strong through 1998, and I still have guiltily fond memories of the racist "Do you hear the words that are coming out of my mouth?"-type moments as Chan and Tucker glazed through an uber-mediocre script and came out as two of the worst contributors to late-90s cinema. They shall never be forgiven. [Prediction: Tucker wins an Oscar in 2019.]

Deep Impact: Even as I google image search Deep Impact I swear some of the results are stills from Armageddon. It's too bad because while it doesn't have the laugh-a-minute re-watch value of its more successful competitor, as recent as two-ish years ago I probably would have told you it's the better movie. And in many ways, it is. It's more thoughtful (even if it's equally as saccharine), it's less tacky (even if its emotional manipulations are just as gaudy), and it has freaking Morgan Freeman as president. All that aside, I don't remember anything about this movie and I think I only watched it one additional time when it came out on video. However, I do remember being more touched by it (rather than, say, exclaiming "hellz yeah Amerika!" in my head) than its more brutal and star-studded counterpart.

Godzilla: This is a very bad movie. Very bad. I remember watching it on video a few times when putting together a music video project for my high school Radio & TV class (showing the Chrysler building exploding to stupidly 'symbolize' the lyric "A man drives a plane into the Chrysler building" from Soul Coughing's "Is Chicago, Is Not Chicago") and thinking to myself, I wish this was just a movie about Matthew Broderick's character, and no big monster destroying New York City. On the same token, it was the big event movie of the year and it was also the death knell of big event movies for the next couple years. In that way, it was kind of important I guess? Roland Emmerich went to the ends of the earth special effects-wise (oh the soundtrack too was a sort of death knell of event movie soundtracks, with the Puff Daddy rap over Led Zep's "Kashmir") and still came up short. Nevertheless, I remember being entertained in the theater much in the same way I was during Rush Hour and only harbor minor ill will toward it. As a blooming pretentious kid, I also thought the fact that two characters bearing the resemblance/nomenclature of Siskel and Ebert was clever at the time, although now I just see it as mean-spirited.

Drawing with Sean: Kate Austen

2010-02-22T13:12:00.000-06:00

The Likeness by Tana French

2010-02-21T00:01:00.000-06:00

I believe I've actually mentioned this book before. Oh, yeah, here it is. I didn't really review it there, so I feel justified in revisiting it, if only because I, fresh off my awesome experience rereading In the Woods, had to reread The Likeness IMMEDIATELY, which should tell you how addictive French's writing and characters are to me. I'm working really hard to get an advanced copy of her new one, Faithful Place, which should be easy considering my circumstances but is in actuality insanely difficult, it turns out. Le sigh.

The Likeness picks up a few months after In the Woods leaves off (actually, they have slightly overlapping timelines, but whatever). Detective Cassie Maddox has left the Murder squad and moved to Domestic Violence in the hopes of escaping the trauma of her experiences in In the Woods (I'm trying to go for NO SPOILERS here, so lots of this is going to be intentionally vague). But she can't entirely leave them behind, of course; like all good tortured characters, they follow her around like her own shadow, making her jumpy and nervous and haunting her in her sleep. She's in a relationship with a Murder detective (I'm going to call him Detective X, because he's a character in In the Woods and I don't want to tell you whom, just in case you end up reading the first book), who one day calls her to a crime scene. When she gets there, she realizes why he's acting so weird: he thought the victim was her.

You see, years ago, before Operation Vestal (the In the Woods case), before Cassie was even on Murder, she was an undercover cop going by the name Lexie Madison. She attended Trinity College Dublin in order to infiltrate an extensive drug operation and got pretty close to one of the main dealers before he stabbed her in a frenzy of meth and paranoia. Cassie got sewn up and was offered her assignment of choice, which she took: Murder. Now her alternate identity has returned, full flesh and bone, and has been found--stabbed--in a tiny run down cottage in Glenskehy, a ghost town outside of Dublin. The girl is wearing Cassie's face, an almost virtual double, and using the Lexie Madison name. After much understandable hemming and hawing, Cassie agrees to infiltrate this other Lexie's life in a joint investigation run by Detective X and her old boss, Frank Mackey (Faithful Place follows him post-Operation Mirror, the name of the The Likeness case).

Since Lexie Madison is an invented person, it stands to reason that this Lexie is a fabrication as well. They know nothing real about her, only that she came on the scene a few years ago, became friends with an extremely codependent and closed-off group of post-docs who all live together in a crumbling old mansion on the Glenskehy outskirts called Whitethorn House, and for some reason pissed someone off so much that they stabbed her. Cassie is completely drawn into the little world that Lexie had built with her friends. Daniel, Abby, Rafe and Justin are a tight-knit band of weirdos, but they're seductive, interesting weirdos nonetheless, and the more time Cassie spends with them, the farther she sinks into their private, enchanted world than is good for her or for her investigation.

French's ability to show the way in which Cassie is slowly drawn deep into their world is one of her greatest achievements here. Detective X, who is overprotective of Cassie as truly in love boyfriends tend to be, doesn't understand why Cassie is so obsessed with Lexie, just because they have the same face, but to Cassie it's more important than that--this nameless girl took over her old identity, so to Cassie it's as if someone she created out of thin air has come to very real life. She's shaken by this, but also, after what she's been through, seduced by the possibility of sloughing off her old, battered life and slipping into a beautiful new one, free of baggage and bad memories. She envies Lexie, who has by all accounts gone by many names in many countries and never let anyone hold her long enough to trap her.

It's extremely rare that a writer can follow up a brilliant debut novel with one that is equally as impressive, mostly because it's so difficult to capture what was unique about your first work and imbibe the next book with something similar--but not exactly the same. Instead, French didn't try; she took a brilliantly realized character and fleshed her out even more, gave her her own trauma and story and let it unfold from there. It's a stunning achievement, really, if you think about it, and I have very high hopes for her next book.

Kids Today: A Book Review

2010-02-18T03:30:00.002-06:00

Hey blog readers! Some time ago I promised a review of Lauren Conrad’s debut novel L.A. Candy, which tells the tale of a young naïve blond girl (not Lauren) who moves to L.A. to pursue her career and ends up the star of a hit reality series (not The Hills).

Qualler and I took turns (and by took turns I mean I did it one time) reading this book aloud to each other before falling asleep. And if you need something to put you to sleep, this is definitely the book. It felt like falling asleep to another boring episode of The Hills (and I mean that in the best way possible).

This was indeed a great book to fall asleep to, and it was fun to hear it read aloud and imagine Lauren--er--Jane in all her L.A. situations. However, that's about as much as I can say for the book's virtues. The very art of storytelling seems to be lost in overly detailed descriptions of what people are wearing and how attractive someone is. Much like the show that this book is in no way directly based on, nothing really happens, but all the description sort of steps in where all the production happens in the show in order to trick the viewer/reader into thinking that something happened. And with each chapter, just as with each episode, the reader/viewer things that something is just about to happen...but it never really does.

I am a complex person. I do not understand why I enjoy certain things. I think for me certain forms of entertainment reach me in an almost sub (or pre) conscious sort of way. And so, Qualler and I have begun reading the second book in her (at least three book) series, Sweet Little Lies: An L.A. Candy Novel. It picks up right where the last book left off and provides quite a bit of recap, just like the each new episode of The Hills. Because, why trust the viewer/reader?

And now, some Avatar fan fiction. (Editor's note: James Cameron better be taking some tips from Brigitte when he undertakes his planned Avatar prequel novel.)

Jake did feel better knowing that someone who really knew Pandora, someone like Tsu’Tey, would know what the next steps had to be. He wanted to feel like things would only get better from here, and he wanted to know that Tsu’Tey was on his side now…but Jake never really liked him. From the time they first met, Tsu’Tey had been difficult and unwelcoming. And the fact that Jake stole his girl didn’t really help things, either. However, when push came to shove and Jake needed cooperation to save the Na’vi people from complete destruction, Tsu’Tey had put his hurt feelings aside to help. But could he be counted on again?

Jake Sully knew from experience that in times of war, men could always put aside their differences and unite against a common enemy. But now that the war had ended and the immediate danger of that common enemy was gone, would Tsu'Tey make Jake his enemy once again? Jake eyed him. He was surrounded by a group of about 20 men, and he was giving orders and dividing up jobs. The men hung on his every word, and Jake began to worry. Would Tsu'Tey be his second in command or would he go back to being his greatest rival? The people were grateful that Jake had helped so much during the war, but perhaps they would forget his heroic acts now that the war had ended. Perhaps he would go back to being the outsider he once was. Jake knew that he had come to Pandora, not by mistake, but in order to lead these people through a very difficult time. But would the people be as sure as Jake was about his place among them?

Jake’s worries were interrupted by a hand on his shoulder. He turned to see Neytiri, searching his worried eyes with her own. She seemed to know exactly what he was thinking. “Don’t worry, Jake,” she said to him in a low voice. “Tsu’Tey will do what is right for his people. And he knows now that you are right—that you are the true leader. He respects you now.”

Jake feigned a small smile. He was glad that Neytiri believed in him once again, but it would take a bit more time before he could really trust himself. He still felt at least in part responsible for the war beginning in the first place. He glanced over at Tsu’Tey, who was now standing alone after sending his men on their various missions. Tsu’Tey must have felt his glance, for he suddenly returned it, and as their eyes met Jake once again saw the anger and fear in Tsu’Tey’s eyes. He shivered, and quickly looked away.

Stars: They're Nothing Like Us (Or Are They?)

2010-02-15T14:24:00.004-06:00

Think all celebrities get the royal treatment? Well think again. There are actually two classes of stars -- or maybe several classes of stars that kind of boil down into two categories - skinny bitches and fatty mcfatfats. If you are a star who falls into the skinny bitches category, not only will get away with just about anything, people will actually encourage your bad behavior (I'm thinking Lindsay Lohan, Paris Hilton, etc.). However, if you are a fatty mcfatfat, I'm sorry to say that you are only about a half step above regular people. And that half step only accounts for the fact that people know your name well enough to make fun of you (I'm looking at you, Kirstie Alley).

Case in point: Kevin Smith

Kevin Smith is too fat to fly. According to a CNN article, the man behind the Jay and Silent Bob phenomenon of the late '90s/early 2000s was kicked off of a Southwest flight for being a fattie who could not lower the armrests on his seat. Even though he had purchased two tickets, they still kicked him off and only gave him a $100 voucher as compensation. So how can our chunky celeb friends fight back? Why the power of the media of course! Despite our general disgust at any famous person who is bigger than a size 2, everyone loves a chubby star discrimination story! Because when it all boils down, we just can't get behind the unfairness of a lack of special treatment for celebrities.

Network Television Rundown (Oh And One HBO Show - Deal With It Qualler!)

2010-02-15T03:30:00.000-06:00

In the beloved tradition of Qualler's semi-regular Cable Television Rundown feature, I present to you a rare treat: thoughts on new television shows from yours truly! Now I considered coming up with some grand hilarious metaphor for each show like Qualler's become so skilled at doing, but I don't want to step on his toes toooo much, so I'm trying something else. Now the latest batch of (scripted - I'll leave the reality TV talk to Brigitte and Lady Amy) network mid-season programming is by and large forgettable, as it usually is, while also predictable to the point of triteness is that the new HBO show How To Make It In America, which premiered Sunday night, is a distinct cut above your average commoner-enticing commercial-laden idiot box content. In an attempt to show how easy it would be for network heads to turn their lame attempts at obtaining new viewers by making their programming just a little more intelligent, I will be reviewing the first three shows as if they were designed for HBO and How To Make It In America as if it were another bumbling half-hour sitcom on CBS, FOX, NBC, or ABC.

The Deep End: Featuring the criminally underrated character actor Billy Zane as head partner of a morally ambiguous law firm, the new spring drama follows four fresh-faced first year lawyers, including Big Love's Tina Majorino, as they dive into cases defending various known Los Angeles kingpin gangsters. Suspicious of the firm's backdoor dealings and public corruption charges, the rookies attempt to put aside their own problems (law school-inspired alcoholism, workaholic-inspired divorce) and band together to figure out the real agenda for the case, which sprawls and unfolds over the course of the first season. With taut suspense and no soap opera theatrics, The Deep End is sure to be the first original lawyer-themed drama in years: an exciting combination of Damages and The Wire. [Sad Reality Sets In: It's actually just another lame ABC attempt at combining the glossy quirk of Boston Legal and hot bod 20-something attraction of Melrose Place, all in boring self-contained format.]

Human Target: Harking back to the first two seasons of 24, but with the no-holds-barred B-movie grittiness of late-70s revenge flicks, television mainstay Mark Valley stars as Christopher Chance, a mysterious man who works as his own security team. With a little help from two venerable sidekicks played with scenery-chewing aplomb by Chi McBride and Jackie Earle Haley, the trio stakes Chance out in high-stakes scenarios, aiming to lure out and catch terrorists, murderers, rapists, and more as he acts as a block of cheese in a mouse trap for his high-paying clients. Self-aware humor is sprinkled delightfully throughout the post-noir suspense series. After a couple enjoyable self-contained eps to get the ball rolling, Human Target really hits its stride when Chance finds himself embroiled in an ongoing battle with "The Onlooker", an embittered rival that looks to take down Chance and his team over a dense nine-episode story arc with plot twists, clues as to the identity of "The Onlooker" and only minor love story distractions. [Sad Reality Sets In: It's a hokey one-note action series with too many chase sequences and hand-to-hand combat battles.]

Past Life: Finally topping Fringe as the paranormal show du jour is Past Life, a show whose ridonkulous premise is handled so delicately and emotionally that one can't help but get wrapped up in its ongoing Lynchian mystery. Nicholas Bishop plays Detective Price Whatley, a modern day Agent Dale Cooper, who's (after a shady past) been forcefully enrolled in the search for a killer in rural upstate New York. What he really didn't sign up for though is his partner Kate McGinn, the town's resident new age-believing sheriff, who guides him through the strange town's cast of characters, including her deputy (played with stoic perfection by The West Wing's Richard Schiff) and the show's subject in question: a spooked teenage boy named Noah who claims he remembers being murdered. Together, Whatley, McGinn, and Deputy Talmadge work together to solve the X-Files-esque mystery by the end of the first mind-bending season. [Sad Reality Sets In: It's Fringe, except with weekly reincarnation mysteries to be solved by the two most generic lead actors you could ever imagine.]

How To Make It In America: What a waste of time. Completely unsympathetic twenty-something characters mope around New York City and we're supposed to be laughing at it? At least that's what the laugh track suggests. They're trying to become entrepreneurs of some kind, I guess, but it seems the real focus is how the group of friends all end up sleeping with each others' ex and current significant others. There's no style as it's all shot like every city-centered half-hour sitcom, and the principals are all culled together from American Apparel ads and former failed dramas. There's even a rapper as one of the friends to show that it can be "multicultural." [Relieving Reality Sets In: It has almost none of the self-loving/loathing swagger of Entourage and the alternately realistic and stylistic directing puts the viewer directly into modern day NYC. The characters are aimless and lost, both idiotic and vulnerable, and the pilot ep makes me want to journey through their wandering with them as they try to find their footing in life as post-college nobodies in a city that eats people like them for breakfast everyday.]

Something Smells Gamey: Heavy Rain = LucasArts Classic Adventures + Choose Your Own Adventure

2010-02-12T03:30:00.002-06:00

DoktorPeace, sorry I'm encroaching on your territory. But, as you might know, I've become a "gamer" of some sort. Getting a PlayStation 3 for Christmas was pretty awesome, and getting games like Uncharted 2: Among Thieves and MLB 09: The Show is pretty great. But, the best part is downloading all kinds of demos, so I can pretend that I know what I'm talking about when it comes to the hottest games on the market.

Which leads me to the demo for the soon-to-be-released new PS3 title Heavy Rain. Now, the basic premise of this game is, you control four different people solving the mystery of a serial killer named the Origami Killer (and if that doesn't just grab you by the cajones, I don't know what will[insert sarc mark], the gameplay looks just like a movie directed by David Fincher, and you walk around picking stuff up, talking to people, and *gasp* if you die in the game, you're dead forever in the game. Also, the choices you make affect how the rest of the game goes. Groundbreaking, right?

Wait...is there something from my childhood that this reminds me of? Actually, two things.

One, is the classic Choose Your Own Adventure series. Video games that remind me of Choose Your Own Adventure get nerd points from me.

Two, are the classic "point-and-click" computer games from the early '90s by LucasArts, such as Monkey Island 2: LeChuck's Revenge. Thanks to the technology wizards of YouTube, you can now watch the entire game as a single YouTube video, which I will insert right here:

Actually, the game looks pretty fun. I'm sure I'll be wasting my time on it a lot in the near future. See more here:

Television Rundown: Crushing Under The Weight of Parallel Universes

2010-02-11T03:30:00.000-06:00

The line between serial television drama and the sporting events that fill many minutes of my life is indeed a thin line. Two weeks ago, in the midst of dealing with the immediate trauma of seeing my beloved Minnesota Vikings get so damn close to making it to the Super Bowl for the first time in my lifetime and the first time in 33 years only to be denied the invitation in a you-can't-make-this-up fashion that Vikings fans seem to think can only happen to them (although Bill Simmons of ESPN comfortingly shows fans like me the reasons why that's just not true in this ultimately cathartic column), I wrote about how Margene from Big Love ultimately helped me get over their crushing loss. Two weeks later, I watched the actual Super Bowl, and realized that I still had repressed anger and sadness over the Vikings and, ultimately my, loss.

But serialized television has, if not completely healed, then, partially healed those wounds, especially with last week's (final) season premiere of Lost. I may be relatively new to the world of Lost, but the season premiere was nothing short of mind-bending, action-packed, and a helluva lot of fun. And it got me thinking, naturally, about the theories of parallel universes. In a parallel universe, Minnesotans were celebrating on Hennepin Avenue on Sunday night, Brett Favre announced his "real" retirement, Joe Mauer signed a 12-year contract, the groundhog did not see his shadow, and Minneapolis inherited the climate of San Diego, CA. Thanks, Lost, for opening up the possibilities.

So, along those lines, here is the status of the five recently premiering shows that I'm obsessing about, as compared to the alternate reality in which the Vikings didn't totally flop.

An Alternate Dimension In Which The Vikings Beat The Saints in the NFC Championship = Lost

Note: please see #87 running to the sideline for the Vikings, wide open. In the alternate reality, Brett threw it to him, he ran for another 3 yards, and Ryan Longwell hit a 45 yard field goal to put the Vikings in their first Super Bowl in 33 years. So, assuming that happened, the crushing, long-lingering feeling of disappointment didn't happen, and the party at our place two weeks ago ended thrillingly, with great joy amongst the people. That, friends, is how great the season premiere of Lost was last week. The opening scene, finding our heroes in a "flash-sideways" type of situation filled me with the long-sustaining joy that I can only imagine a Super Bowl win for our Vikings would have made me fee. Of course, assuming there truly are two worlds going on, perhaps in a dfferent universe the Vikings did win. Oh well...

Second-year Cornerback for the New Orleans Saints Tracy Porter, Again, Ruining A Potentially Huge Drive For The Opposing Team By Intercepting A Key Pass

Both of these shows,Damages and Big Love, have occasionally left me in a lull. For Damages, it was the entire second season, which meandered into plot twist after plot twist without actually making me care at all, a shame because of its breathtaking first season. For Big Love, it was the first few episodes of the newest season, which whipped through seven or eight episodes of plot in a condensed three episodes (for shame, HBO, for cutting the episode order of this season down to nine!) But then, much like a Tracy Porter interception that killed any hope at winning (like the NFC Championship) or tying the game (like the Super Bowl), sudden and welcomed momentum shifts took place. Big Love found its footing in the heartbreaking fourth episode "The Mighty and the Strong", which culminated with Bill Hendrickson giving his son the boot, and the season premiere of the third season of Damages, which brought the Grisham-on-crack vibe of the first season back with a bullet. And its stronger focus on Tate Donovan is a nice change. Which reminds me...

The Animated Half-Hour Sitcom Version of Damages Co-Star Tate Donovan...
is FX's new Archer. Sure, I much prefer Adam Reed's animated work on the Cartoon Network, most notably his Sealab 2021. And it's a little weird to hear the voice of H. Jon Benjamin as a handsome secret agent when I've mostly heard him as the hilariously sweaty and disgusting gym teacher in Home Movies. But, like Damages / The OC co-star Tate Donovan, Archer is, what I would call, a "capable" series. It's not gonna win any awards, nor will it be as prestigious as, say, the Glenn Close of animation (The Simpsons), or as under the radar as the Rose Byrne of animation (The Life and Times of Tim, which, as a side note, I'm really excited for its return!) but it'll do the trick, much like a Tom Shays / Jimmy Cooper rant about how he lost all his money in his investments or whatever.

That Unbelievably Corny New Ad For the Twins New Ballpark

I don't really have a TV show equivalent here, but I just wanted to highlight how embarrassingly bad this ad, which aired on Super Bowl Sunday, truly is. Seriously, if you ever wanted to know why the rest of America thinks of Minnesota as flyover country, just look at this commercial.

The (Kinda Existential) Realization That, Even If The Vikings Had Made It To The Big Game (In Our Reality, Not The Alternate Reality), The Exciting Journey Would Still Be Over Right Now

Sadly, though, Nip/Tuck seems to be the reflection that, even if the Vikings had made it to the Super Bowl and won, we would still today be February 11, and the season would be over, and we'd all move on with our lives. Okay, so the "final nine" episodes of Nip/Tuck truly are amongst their better hours and, while not quite living up to the heights of the first two seasons, are a reminder of what's past and what will soon be left behind. Face it, there's absolutely no buzz surrounding these last episodes, which seems to me to be a shame. The opening episode of the final nine, written and directed by series creator Ryan Murphy, was a succinct retelling of the show's initial mission statement, all on the vanity and subsequent attempts at redemption of the human spirit. Yet, in just a few short weeks, the final episode will air, and Ryan Murphy's only contribution to the television landscape will be Fox's Glee, which, based on recent casting news, seems headed toward the inevitable fizzle-out that Nip/Tuck faced after its slam-bang first two seasons. Yes, like that 2009 NFL season for the Minnesota Vikings, everything you love some day ends. Sometimes, those things are over even while they appear to be still living, like Nip/Tuck.

Stars: They're Nothing Like Us: (The While You Were Stuffing Your Face During the Super Bowl Edition)

2010-02-10T03:30:00.000-06:00

The Super Bowl. Perhaps the most-watched annual sporting event in the country. Everyone has their own little Super Bowl traditions -- mostly involving boatloads of junk food and booze. Now we Minnesotans are a little soured on the Super Bowl this year. Brett Favre was supposed to be our saving grace after decades of being almost good enough. In fact, according to Wikipedia, the Vikings have the most NFC or AFC Championship game appearances (9) without a Super Bowl title. And the tradition continues. So perhaps that is why I did not end up getting invited to any Super Bowl parties this year -- perhaps everyone preferred to just watch the game and get sulky-drunk at home in their underwear. Normally I do a best-of Ad It Up after the big game, but because there were no Super Bowl parties, I did not even end up watching it. The only thing I did catch was the very embarrassing half-time show featuring washed up rockers lip syncing to their own songs. Since my Super Bowl experience was less than stellar this year, I must live vicariously through others (and by "others," I really mean famous people that I don't know who have lifestyles that I'll never experience).

So, what were stars doing at the Super Bowl this year?

Kendra Wilkinson Was Crying Her Eyes Out:

Rumors that The Girl Next Door (former Hugh Hefner girlfriend striking out on her own) reality star was upset that her husband botched the big game sprung up after this picture leaked out. She swears on Twitter that she wasn't crying about the game but that the paparazzi wouldn't leave her alone.

Kim Kardashian Was Rubbing it in Kendra's Face:

Unlike Kendra Wilkinson, Kim Kardashian picked the right team player to date. Her BF was a superstar in the game and Kim even got to hang out on the field with him afterward.

Brangelina were PDA-ing:

EEEEEEEWWWWWW.....wait a minute -- kinda hot! Or are they just putting on a show to cover up all those rumors of them splitting up? If you look really closely, you can see the sly look on Brad's face, eyes half open and kind of smiling as if to say, "check this out, paparazzi!" And Angelina looks a bit uncomfortable, not really sure where to put her hand as she pretend to make out with Brad. But maybe I'm reading too much into it.

The Who Were Hoping That Their Light Show Would be Cool Enough That "the Kids" Wouldn't Notice How Old They Are:

And there's more...

Finally...

Heidi Montag Was STILL Desperately Trying to Get People to Pay Attention to Her:

Heidi Montag got a ton of plastic surgery recently and is CONSTANTLY dealing with it. First we had to hear about how she made this decision because she is either addicted to plastic surgery or she's making some sort of feminist statement about how her husband can't control her plastic surgery habits or something to that effect. Now, go figure, she's discovering that having bigger boobs and higher cheekbones doesn't really make her more happy. I just don't understand why this has to be the entire world's problem. If you want to cling to your fame, fine. But don't unnecessarily vicitmize yourself! Sigh. Only Heidi Montag would attempt to upstage the Super Bowl!

Today's Top 40 Spectrum: Addiction Is A Delightful Disease

2010-02-09T03:30:00.002-06:00

In case you haven't heard, there's a new Top 40 station in town here in Minneapolis. Formerly B96, your place for strictly hip hop and R&B jams, they've morphed into 96.3 NOW with the tag line "the most hit music." Ultimately, things haven't changed much; they just play the same songs as KDWB, meaning a straight-up pop song or guitar track might sneak in there. They were playing Lady Gaga throughout most of 2009, so this switch wasn't exactly surprising, but it does make for interesting comparisons between playlists between them and the traditional Top 40 Twin Cities mainstay KDWB. Also marketing tactics such as "Commercial Free Mondays" have popped up, which is nice so I can make sure to hear more of the Top 40 on one particular day of the week, though with both of them running through the spectrum, whenever one is on commercials I can go to the other and most likely chill there for a bit. The ability to do this, however, has made me overdose a bit on Top 40 lately. It made me think that Top 40's in a really good spot right now, but as I look at the top five songs on each station's playlist (as I plan on doing from here on out for this feature) it turns out it really hasn't improved: it's just gotten me addicted. Nevertheless, here's the first Top 40 Spectrum for 2010, for better or worse...

"Carry Out" by Timbaland & Justin Timberlake: No video yet for this monster single, but there will surely be one soon, and I can only hope that the food metaphors get translated along the way. Yes, JT and man behind his beats both get on the mic to talk about booties in a way that has been catching on for a while now (Lil Wayne arguably popularized this strange new trend): imagine if we could express lust in a slang covered in references to drive-thrus, IHOP, and supersizing. And yet, as weird as it is, these guys succeed. Now I thought it was slightly droll and negligibly groovy upon my first listen, but I just dismissed it as another limp collab effort. But then my addiction kicked in, Jerksica gave it her stamp of approval, and voila, I'm digging its silly yet clever ways of communicating "let's get together...if you know what I'm saying."

"Bedrock" by Young Money: Let's be clear. I like this song a lot better when I tune in after Lil Wayne has delivered his snaky intro verse. Maybe even after the dopey Gudda verse too. Hell let's just focus on the chorus for this superstar track. A student introduced me to the dude (Lloyd) behind this song's ridiculously awesome chorus about a year ago and I knew the guy had style then. I'm glad he's getting true Top 40 play, because he's like Ne-Yo with a sense of humor, or John Legend with street cred. And unlike Weezy and his contemporaries, Mr. Lloyd can SING. "Call me Mr. Flintstone, I can make your bedrock" is going to be the most memorable lyric of 2010; I'm calling it now. Also that middle verse between Nicki and Drake is sick, because we need more female rappers and this Drake guy while not spectacular at least has a nice calm delivery. I wish the rest of the song was just the chorus over and over though.

"Whataya Want From Me" by Adam Lambert: Kris Allen's track, not quite to the top of pops yet, is actually not half bad. At the end of the day, after getting past the Mraz-esque verses, there's a decent soaring chorus to be heard, thereby making it not much worse than Adam Lambert's big hit here. To compare, the chorus of "Whataya Want From Me" is actually quite forgettable, especially because it falls victim to "just-repeat-the-song-title-over-and-over" syndrome, which is too bad. However, that guitar riff in the verses has a strong emotional tinge to it as it coils up and down on top of nothing but a simple drum beat and Lambert's coarse croon. But then the big arena sound comes in to destroy it to pieces, turning the aching rubble into a blinding beam of white noise. Oh well, try better next time, Adam.

"Evacuate The Dance Floor" by Cascada: I straight-up turn off the radio whenever I hear this song. I usually don't even switch to a CD or Radio K. I just press the power button and allow myself a moment to breathe before I let my ears ingest any more music. And this song is played even more than "Tik Tok" now, which is a damn shame. It's not even that it's particularly annoying, though it is. It's more that it's so blandly loud that until a few days ago I still wondered if it was that old Lady Gaga song about dancing that I don't like or a new Britney track that whizzed past my radar, as so many of her new singles tend to do. It's boring. It's generic. And it's effing LOUD! It's like when those really loud commercials come on suddenly; they're not really that annoying or out of place, they're just for whatever reason way louder than the previous ad. [Sidenote: I heard this was supposed to be made illegal on the TV! When will this go into effect?]

"I Look So Good" by Jessie James: So how could it possibly get worse from the track above, at least in my opinion? Well by putting a song in the top five that isn't necessarily loud or gratingly dull, but just fully ignored by my eardrums. I know I've heard this song, but, if you can follow me here, I'm not sure if I've ever really HEARD this song. Know what I mean? I definitely never listened to it if I ever stumbled across it on the radio, but if I did, I did not even hear the throaty wail of this country popstress nor did I hear the clanging ride cymbal or stock handclap effects. Rather, as I blasted it in my car, I only heard the sound of slush whipping through my tire treads, the whooshing by of cars and semis, and the slight honking of horns in the distance. This song, by all accounts, does not exist in my personal history of pop music. Let us move on and never speak of it again.

P.S. They won't dare chart it in the top five, but "Blame it on the Pop 2009", DJ Earworm's phenomenal mash-up of the top 25 Billboard hits of 2009, is getting some serious airplay on KDWB and it's awesome. Do check it out.

P.P.S. For non-Top 40 musings, don't forget to check out my ongoing rundown of my faves of 2009 at I can't come home, Grace. I'm an adult.

In the Woods by Tana French

2010-02-08T22:13:00.007-06:00

I'm a pretty faithful re-reader. There's a list of books I tend to revisit every year/eighteen months or so: Hey Nostradamus by Douglas Coupland, The Pursuit of Love and Love in a Cold Climate by Nancy Mitford, Ex Libris by Anne Fadiman, Atonement by Ian McEwan. When I crack open a book I've read several times before and still get excited to read again, it's like when I visit old friends from middle school that I see only rarely--that same homey, nostalgic sensation that warms the heart.

There's a risk to re-reading, though. Sometimes you might find that a book that you had the hots for three years ago (I'm what Fadiman calls a "carnal" reader) leaves you cold now, or that once the ephemeral shimmer of not knowing what happens fades you're pretty bored by the whole endeavor. Which actually sucks, because reading an entire book takes an enormous amount of time, energy and dedication, and there's nothing worse than going to the house of a girl who braided your hair at sleepovers in the fourth grade only to find out you're in completely different life places and have nothing to talk about anymore.

I've probably mentioned the new book club I'm in. Well, since I'm the best read chickadee (obvi we're all girls, boys don't read) in the group, I tend to be the one throwing out suggestions for upcoming meetings, which is why two out of the three books we've read so far have been re-reads for me. I thought I'd written a review of Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil, but maybe it's in draft. Whatever, that was a fine re-read for me, but it didn't need to happen. On the other hand, my revisiting of In the Woods was inevitable, but in the course of reading it over I found it a changed book, or (and this is infinitely more likely) I have changed in the interim.

In the Woods, a literary murder mystery set in modern day Dublin, Ireland, is narrated by one Rob Ryan, a detective assigned to the (non-existent) Murder squad. But Rob wasn't always his name; until he was twelve, his name was Adam Ryan, and he was an only child growing up in suburban Knocknaree. One day, near the end of summer, Adam and his two friends, Peter and Jamie, ran into the thick, wild woods behind Knocknaree, and only Adam came out again, near-catatonic with fear and trauma, his shoes filled with someone else's blood. In addition to changing his name, Rob has done his damnedest to distance himself from the Knocknaree tragedy; he's adopted a new accent, a new personality, and a new attitude towards everything. At the beginning of the book, Rob cautions us--he lies. It's part of his job, he says, but it's also a learned part of his entire life--keep the past at bay by denying it, obfuscating it, deleting it from your memory.

Rob and his partner, Cassie Maddox (one of my favorite women in all of literature, a real woman, brave and strong and dignified and also capable of staggering vulnerability), have a singular relationship, a combination of siblings, best friends, and a married couple (sans sex). Cassie is the only person outside of Rob's parents and himself who know the truth about who he really is, at least as far as his childhood tragedy is concerned. So when Rob and Cassie are called out to Knocknaree to investigate the murder of a twelve-year-old girl, they conspire to cover up his connection to the old case and set to solve the crime themselves--with near-disastrous consequences.

When I first read In the Woods, I emerged from it pretty much in love with Rob Ryan, at least as in love with a fictional character as you can be. He's an exquisitely drawn man as far as I can tell (not being a man, you see, it's hard for me to know for sure), and he's just so tortured that I could hardly stand it. Don't roll your eyeballs at me, boys! Chicks dig that shit. But now, being a few years older and hopefully at least a little bit wiser, I found my relationship with Rob to be a little more complicated. Most of the time I was just totally pissed off at him. Basically, kitty has changed. I'm taking this as a good sign, for myself personally, but it made reading In the Woods a different experience this time around.

Back then I took everything in the book at face value, but this time I found myself sort of enraged at how irresponsible it is for him and Cassie (and she's at fault here, too, which she definitely understands by the end of the novel) to be investigating a case that has anything at all to do with Knocknaree, and how ridiculous it is that he's never been in therapy for what happened. I'm mad at him for constantly believing that he's right even when he most clearly IS NOT, mad at how he treats Cassie, mad at how totally delusional he is about his entire life, how selfish he is, how cruel he can be. BUT--these are not bad things, as far as the story is concerned. These are the cogs that make the story work. The book wouldn't exist if Rob was a totally well-adjusted awesome cop, and the reread actually made the novel more intense, because not only do you have the mystery, you also have the tension between what Rob believes is going on and what is actually going on, which you can't see if you don't know the solution to the mystery. Sigh. Books are so cool.

Unsurprisingly, Tana French's writing is an absolute joy to read. You're just not going to find a debut author with as much style, emotion and raw talent than she has. The way she builds Rob and Cassie, word by word, flaw by flaw, piece by telling piece, is deft and artful, perhaps the product of her acting background. It's the sort of book that can make another writer feel insignificant in comparison, but for the right kind of writer it can be an inspiration, and for the right kind of reader it can be a revelation.

Going Bovine by Libba Bray

2010-02-08T03:30:00.000-06:00

When Libba Bray's fourth novel, Going Bovine, won the Michael L. Printz Award in January, most people didn't really know what to think. I'm not sure I saw it on a single mocked up honors list. Of course, the Printz has a reputation that way--of going against expectation and choosing a book nobody expected to win. And the Printz may not have the name recognition of the Pulitzer, the Booker, or the National Book Award, but it's a much coveted medal in the young adult literature community, as important to the children's book business as the Newbery or the Caldecott (both of which went to the favorites this year, in another interesting twist), so when a book is awarded the Printz it means something to a lot of people.

Going Bovine is a weird book, no questions asked. It was from the beginning. Libba Bray, a New York Times bestselling author, became famous for her first three books, referred to as the Gemma Doyle trilogy, about a wealthy teenage girl living in the Victorian era who discovers that she has the power of a second sight and crosses over into other, more spiritual realms like people who live on Long Island day trip into the city. I've only read the first one, but I didn't enjoy it at all and I quickly wrote Bray off as a Writer Of Things I Have No Interest In Reading, since I'm not a paranormal fan to begin with.

Going Bovine, however, is an entirely different animal, if you'll pardon the pun. Even though I knew it was way different from the Gemma books, I wasn't planning to ever read it, because of the aforementioned designation I gave to Bray after A Great and Terrible Beauty. But if you have anything to do with YA, you can't ignore a Printz winner, and here we are.

The protagonist of Going Bovine is Cameron Smith, a smart, friendless slacker/pothead who spends most of his time behaving like a little shit. Then he starts having strange physical attacks and seeing things that aren't there, and when his parents take him to the doctor they discover that he has Creutzfeldt-Jakob's disease, a neurodegenerative disease that causes spongy degeneration in the brain and spinal cord. I was introduced to Creutzfeldt-Jakob's disease via an episode of The X-Files in which a town full of weirdos cannibalize outsiders and, eventually, each other. But most people know it by its more popular name--mad cow.

Yes, the kid has mad cow disease, hence the title. In the hospital, he speaks for the first time to a girl who's been following him around for weeks, a pink-haired, fishnet-tights-and-combat-boots wearing angel named Dulcie. Yes, an angel, wings and all. She gives him a Disney World E-ticket bracelet and tells him to find a mysterious Dr. X who will cure his disease. The only catch is that Dr. X found this cure during his travels through space and time, and because of all of this dimension hopping has opened a wormhole that brought dark energy in the form of giants made of fire and the metal-helmeted Wizard of Reckoning, who are going to destroy the world. Just your typical road trip, basically.

Maybe that synopsis turns you on. Frankly, it seemed way to far-fetched to work for me. But actually, what hurt the book more than the ridiculousness of its plot--because ridiculous always gets less ridiculous the more you get used to it--was the tone in which it was written. It's clear from the writing that Bray thinks she's funny and clever, which is a huge pet peeve of mine. Anything that smacks of authorial self-satisfaction makes me want to throw down the book in disgust. But I persisted, and happily the book becomes too busy being funny and clever to tell you how funny and clever it is, like Bray got swept along in the action right along with her characters. As a result, Cameron becomes, in trickles, a person worth caring about, and the reader is taken on a crazy ride that reminded me of The Phantom Tollbooth, but with more erections.

So for the most part I thought Going Bovine was great, but it was way too long. It could've had probably seventy-five less pages and I don't think anything would've lost--the detour in Daytona wore very thin on me. But eventually, the book arrives at its final destination with a kind of smart thoughtfulness and quiet joy that I found at once sad and comforting.

Drawing with Sean: John Locke

2010-02-04T21:39:00.002-06:00

Fan Mail!

2010-02-04T03:30:00.002-06:00

Hello readers,

I think it's about time that I take a look into my fan mail bag and answer some of your letters. Here's one from Stephanie K. of Richmond, VA. Stephanie writes:

Dear Brigitte,
Hi! Long time reader, first time writer. I love your reviews of MTV reality shows, and I especially loved your write up of 16 and Pregnant. I was just wondering--have you been watching the follow up show, Teen Mom? They just had their season finale special last night with Dr. Drew (I love him!). I've been reading every week and I keep waiting for you to blog about this series, but I haven't seen anything in your blog posts about Teen Mom (at least not for a long time) and I was just wondering: do you watch the show? What's your take on it? Do you think it's really helping any kids by showing the grim reality of raising a baby as a teenager, or do you think it's in some ways glamorizing teenage pregnancy? Or is it just exploitative of these young girls? Personally I'm a fan, but I'd love to hear your take.
Sincerely,
Stephanie

Thanks for the letter Stephanie. Yes, I do watch Teen Mom--in fact it's one of the few shows that I've been watching regularly as it airs each week. I know, it's been awhile since I've written about this series, and I apologize. I've been so absorbed in my Avatar craze that I haven't had time for much of anything in my life. In fact, I've recently sunk into a deep depression because I will never experience living in Pandora. It's so beautiful...why was I created never to experience such beauty! Damn you, James Cameron. I've only recently stopped attending the "It's OK that I'll never experience the Titanic's maiden voyage and tragic shipwreck" support group, and now this! I was depressed enough when the I came down from the high of watching Titanic and settled back into my own bleak, pointless reality.

After first seeing Titanic back in 1997, I knew that my day to day life would never be as compelling or as tragically romantic as the love that existed between Rose and Jack. I knew that I would never face something as historically significant as those passengers aboard the Titanic did that cold, dark night. I knew I'd never feel the icy water surrounding an iceburg. The only thing that made me feel again was watching Titanic, over and over. I began to neglect my family, friends, school...and after awhile, even watching the movie wasn't enough. I would take pour bags of ice into my parents bathtub and sit in the icy cold water until my mom wondered what was taking me so long in the bathroom and I ended up in the emergency room. I would dress in turn of the century clothes and a life vest, but still it wasn't enough. I never thought I'd be able to experience beauty in my own life after viewing something as awesome as Titanic. But time passed, I got involved in a good support group and started seeing a therapist twice a week, and slowly, things got better. Little by little, the world around me began to come alive once again. I began to date real men instead of just writing letter after old fashioned letter to Jack, assuring him in each that I would never let go. I did let go, however, and I was making real progress. And then Avatar came along.

I knew I shouldn't go see it. I didn't want to. I figured that I already knew the plot, the characters would be one-dimensional and predictable, and really, 3+ hours seemed like a long time to sit in a movie theater.

Oh, how wrong I was.

I could have sat in that theater for 33 hours, until I finally lept from my seat into the magical world of Pandora. And now I find myself in a predicament very similar to the one I was left in so many years ago. Why, James Cameron, Why?! I was just moving on with my life!

I'm sorry...what was the question? Oh yes, Teen Mom. Well, I don't think it's necessarily making teenage pregnancy seem glamorous. I think that the series certainly tries to show how difficult being a teen mom really is, and how many sacrifices these young people have had to make. As to whether or not this series is making any strides in preventing teenage pregnancy...who knows. Probably not. Is the show exploitative? Does a Na'vi average three meters in hight and chose a mate for life? I think that answers your question.

Stay tuned for more fan fiction next week. I was just too depressed to write any this week, but I promise that my next post will be entirely devoted to my fan fiction...one of the few things that gets me out of bed in the morning.

[Ed. note -- the pseudo-exploitation will continue next Summer, as MTV has announced Teen Mom has been renewed for a second season! Also, Bentley is the cutest baby ever.]