This Week in Elitism: Recession Resolution? Or Bring on the Fun!?

My personal economy is in a downturn. It's reached the point of recession, but hasn't yet approached the great depression of 2003 (my literal salad-and-only-salad days). Thanks to some financial backers, I got a generous bailout, so my spirits are somewhat lifted... but I'm still wary. I've decided to develop a "Recession Resolution" and make this a new year in my financial life. And so, I solemnly swear to myself that I will only shop for groceries at Rainbow, I won't venture near the tempting shelves of Urban Outfitters, and I will go on no more incredibly fun road trips in the near future (even though they're more manageable now, with gas prices falling).

That being said, I'm not alone in changing my spending habits. The New York Times reported today (in an op-ed article by this year's Noble-Prize-Winning Economist Paul Krugman), that consumer spending is dropping for the first time since the 1980's. Makes sense when you have no money. However, sources at NPR tell me- over my radio yesterday morning- that spending is up in one area dear to The Blogulator's heart:

FUN!!

That's right, when depression hits, people turn to pop culture for a bit of sweet relief. Movies ticket sales, television show ratings, CD sales, et al. are all on the rise! But that's not all. This week, and today in particular, you will see consumers walking the streets wearing what amounts to a month's savings. Halloween costume sales are rising fastest of all.

People want escapism and what better way than to disguise yourself as someone who still has a 401K and a house? I'll be a 60's housewife, back in a time when most women didn't have to worry about getting and keeping a job (or a second or third) to support their families. All they had to worry about was staying thin, cooking a mean pot roast, and having a dirty martini ready for their husbands when they got home from work. Ahh, the good old days:)

Cartoon! - Costumes

OMFG Chuck and Blair!!!

OMFG you guys. I don't know why, but from the beginning of its new season, I was not super into Gossip Girl. The first couple of episodes were weak, with too many new characters (Blair and an undercover English Lord? Really? And Nate dating a married older woman who just happens to be that same Lord's stepmother? I liked that the first time it happened on The O.C.). I actually stopped watching GG, mostly because I had to many other television "commitments" and something had to slide. However, about three weeks ago I caught an episode preserved on my DVR because it seemed like the perfect way to begin my Saturday. What an episode!!! I'm now officially back on the GG train, and can't get enough of Chuck and Blair, Blair and Serena, Serena and Dan, and now (spoiler alert?) Nate and Jenny!!! OMFG!! Who saw that coming? (The answer is probably everyone, unless you're totally dense, but whatever. Still a good twist.)

This week's episode was no disappointment. I think that GG decided to stick to what it does best. I'm not alone among the Blogulator staff with my intense love for this show. As OHD told me, "Watch the ep so we can talk about it on the GG email thread, because the Chuck and Blair stuff will blow your mind!"

And blow my mind it did!!

There were a couple things that stood out in this week's episode. Jenny has reached the top and is quickly crashing, which seems to be her pattern. I really think that she's heading towards failure. I'm not sure what it is about her, but she just can't seem to make anything work. She starts with nothing, claws her way to the top, becomes overly arrogant and so makes some huge mistake, then is back to having nothing, and the cycle completes itself. Serena and Dan are hanging out, but I'm really glad that they are just friends, and I hope against hope that it stays that way. OF course, what stood out most in this episode was the intense chemistry between Chuck and Blair. Also, I like that artist guy, and hope he sticks around for awhile.

I don't want to waste time rehashing plot details, however, nor am I trying to create a total love fest. There are some things that I'm still not too thrilled about.

1. Jenny. She annoys me. Yes, I enjoy that she acts her age more than the other characters do, but it's an annoying age. Cut it out and grow up already, Jen. If you're going to make it in the fashion world, you're going to have to be less dumb.
2. Vanessa. I really don't care for her at all
3. Dan. I know I've talked about this before, but he is such a Brandon Walsh. You are not a great guy, Dan, and everyone around you should know that by now. I'm still not over how badly you treated Serena last season.
4. No Halloween Special?!?! WTF?

The one way in which I was MOST disappointment was the lack of a Halloween special this week. Lady Amy's Halloween themed post yesterday really made me want to blog about this most wonderful time of the year, something I know we've all been looking forward to. They could have done so many things. Here's what it might have looked like:

Blair is hosting an extravagant Halloween party. Everyone is in costume. Chuck shows up in a costume that compliments her own. Serena's costume maybe outshines Blair's in some way. Or...perhaps Serena can't even make it? Because she's required to go to the party hosted by her mom and Chuck's dad? Jenny of course makes her costume and does something stupid and embarrassing at the party, then leaves early with her model friends. Maybe she then gets busted for smashing local jack-o-lanterns. OR the writers could have gone the suspense/thriller route. Maybe at the party is some sort of escaped criminal, but because everyone is in costume, no one knows who he is...he's just the "mystery man" who of course Serena and Blair fight over, only to learn that he's a horrible killer. And Dan does something stupid but thinks he's saving the day. I hate Dan.

Here are some tips on how to dress as Blair and Chuck as Halloween this year.

Happy Halloween, everyone!

A Very Special Preview of Events to Come

Happy almost Halloween, blogosphere! Plus, happy almost voting day! Yes, this coming week is jam-packed with special events, and it's times like this that it is good to look ahead and make sure you're prepared for the coming week. That is exactly what I am going to do this evening. With October 31st closing in on us and November 4th just around the corner, everyone is working on their tricks or treats strategies and their plan on how to escape the predicted two hour waits at the polls. Let's first start with Halloween:

All Hallows' Eve
Well, you may not have your costume picked out yet, but there is one group of professionals who have already laid the foundation for tricks this Friday. The trick? To steal candy away from children! Several dentists in the Twin Cities suburbs are buying back Halloween candy from kids for only $1 a pound to encourage good dental hygiene. Ok, so "stealing" may have seemed dramatic at first, but a dollar a pound is practically highway robbery when it comes to candy. Do you know how much of your candy equals a pound? Like half of it - for the average trick-or-treater that is. Plus, the dental offices are capping your candy selling potential at $5. What does $5 even buy a kid these days? The only thing I can think children under 12 would do with $5 is buy more candy! Or if not candy, they're bound to spend it on some other kind of sweet. Plus, there's little to no point in trick-or-treating if you can't keep the goods. It will destroy the sense of community that comes with begging your neighbors for treats.

And of course the rationale for the "candy buyback" is to promote "good oral health." Boy, adults sure have a great way of sucking the fun out of everything, especially in the name of health and safety. The worst part, however, is that the dental offices are going to donate the candy to kids at the Ronald McDonald House. While this may seem very charitable on face, I think the message is pretty terrible. It says "we care about dental hygiene for kids in the 'burbs but not for those kids at the Ronald McDonald House." We don't have to feel too guilty though, because in the end, the kids with the candy will have a yummy treat on Halloween and the suburbanites will just have raisins and floss.

As bad as the idea of a candy buyback seems to me, I think that the dentists might be on to something - an idea that could easily be applied to celebrities. A blogulator eye-candy buyback! Don't know how it would work exactly, but I'm totally willing to collect all of the pictures of hot celebrities and find a good home for them. What do you think? Chris? Qualler? Just let me know. In the meantime, shirtless Christian Bale always makes for great eye-candy.

Get Out The Vote!
Finally, since I won't blog to you before next Tuesday, please remember to vote! I could go into a lot of detail about the importance of making your voice heard, doing your civic duty, yada yada yada, but I think Christina Aguilera can say (or sing it creepily to a baby wrapped in a giant American flag) much better than I can. Enjoy! And vote!

It's Like A Movie, Except I Could Kick The Actor If I Were So Inclined

Live theater. At least three times the price of admission to Saw V, there's no popcorn and/or Sno Caps, and you never know if you should dress up or not. Minneapolis is a vibrant scene for this sort of nonsense, and I, who has only seen Avenue Q in the past year (and only Doubt the year before that), somehow found myself in the front row for two different theatrical presentations in the city in the past week. The two experiences could not have been less alike and while neither was positively spellbinding to me, both convinced me to possibly maybe sorta kinda look into some more theater stuffs in the future. I got to thinking about a couple questions, specifically regarding my entrancement to the cinema vs. my inability to become as emotionally absorbed by the theater, and the connections this musical and play in particular may have to the world of film and how that influenced me to have a sudden surge of (maybe sorta kinda) interest in pursuing theater henceforth.

Bright Lights, Big City @ The Illusion Theater: Based on a 1984 novel by Jay McInerney, which was shortly thereafter made into a 1988 flop of a film starring three of the decade's heavyweights (Michael J. Fox, Phoebe Cates, and Kiefer Sutherland), this locally produced version of the 1999 musical still takes place in the NYC Reagan era, which is responsible for both much of its success and much of its questionableness. Definitely the most DIY musical production I've ever seen (outside of a high school drama department), it was mildly exciting to be able to see complex choreographed dance sequences up front for the first time in my life. Unfortunately the songs themselves sounded like a Rent-ified batch of The Who rip-offs (I swear I heard "Baba O'Riley" in at least three different tunes) and many of the otherwise capable actors had trouble enunciating in their headset microphones, mostly taking away from any effect the fancy slow-motion nightclub scenes or the on-wheels fashion runway climax might have had.
Centered on a coke 'n booze-addled writer (stuck in a dead-end office job, keeping him from writing "the great American novel" of course) going through his agonizingly overwrought quarterlife crisis in The Big Apple, obviously there's not much to expect from this story-wise. However, I was still very awkwardly put off by the musical's romantic subplot, which in many Freudian ways implied our great protagonist was only searching for a woman that could replace the role he lost in his mother, recently deceased. Very creepy. However, even though it was totally saccharine, I felt a little bit of ye olde heartstrings tightening like I so often feel during a heartbreaking movie when the play underscored (which wasn't often enough) the straining relationship between our "hero" and his neglected brother. Films It Reminded Me Of: American Psycho's meditation on 80s aimlessness, St. Elmo's Fire's satisfyingly melodramatic quarterlife relationship struggles, The Royal Tenenbaums' perfectly scripted manchild sons banding together (but always at a distance) to face the city, the future, and dying family

The Caretaker @ The Guthrie Theater's Dowling Studio: I had not yet seen a production at what is probably Minneapolis's number one live theater landmark since it was rebuilt in 2006 with an uber-modern design overlooking the Mississippi and containing the very trendy and Hollywood bar-looking Target Lounge (okay, so it's trendy until you find out what its name is) , so I felt it was a good excuse to finally do so when my mom visited the Twin Cities this weekend. It was a choice between the main stage's elaborate production of Arthur Miller's A View From The Bridge and the smaller studio's one-set presentation of Harold Pinter's The Caretaker. After reading both synopses and corresponding prices, I settled on the latter. I knew Pinter won a recent Nobel Prize in literature and had heard one of my favorite screenwriters as being called "Pinter-esque" (that would be Mr. Paul Thomas Anderson), so it was a fairly easy decision, though I have fond memories of reading Miller's more notable Death Of A Salesman in high school. Despite (or maybe because of) The Guthrie and everyone that was involved in The Caretaker reeking of an odd combination of pretention and commercialized mass appeal, this experience was largely more enjoyable than the aforementioned.

With only three characters and little plot set-up (a meek Brit brings in a cantankerous homeless man to his flat for shelter and potential work as the building's caretaker unbeknownst to his roommate brother), it was surprising at first glance at the program that there would be two intermissions (Bright Lights, Big City had zero), but as soon as the characters were let loose, I soon became exhausted by listening and craved a break after the first act. Reading up on Pinter beforehand and paying close attention revealed some very distinct connections between the three main personas here and those in Anderson's films (see below). First I read that language being used as a method of evasion was trademark Pinter, which while sounding like theater mumbo jumbo at first, made total sense the second the story began. Three men, all of whom desire to be noticed and "get fixed up" in life, become deathly afraid of progress when the opportunity presents itself in the form of a new or old friend. While an overused setting metaphor, the claustrophobic and junk-filled English flat was perfect for producing the tension, as there were no filmic musical cues or soft zoom-ins. That's not to say I felt film's presence throughout - I was especially moved by a neat and subtle lighting trick used to close out the play's second act by making the stage darker and darker, as well as a brief snapshot of a scene that kickstarted the whole play, as if a sudden vignette shown before a film's opening credits. In fact, there's a 1964 film version starring Donald Pleasance (of Halloween fame!) that I will definitely need to check out. Highly recommended if you're fan of any of the following...

Films It Reminded Me Of: Aston, the shy anti-social with a dark secret, reminded me instantly of Adam Sandler's troubled romantic in Punch Drunk Love, while Davies, the homeless man he welcomes to his apartment, implanted images of the unforgettable interview between Tom Cruise's infamously evasive interview during Magnolia (except Davies' prejudice he falls back on when confronted is "the blacks" next door instead of Cruise's obsession over female domination). Finally, Aston's devilishly antagonizing and Alpha brother Mick, who yearned for more stage time and was very much my favorite of the three, held so much ego and secret desperation that I could not but recall There Will Be Blood's justifiably instantly famous Daniel Plainview.

Three's Company (A Mad Men Spoiler-Fest)

NOTE: If you haven't watched Mad Men and would prefer to leave it to yourself to watch it, you can probably skip this post. It's chock full-o spoilers on last night's season two finale, "Meditations on an Emergency". Consider yourself Draperized.

Season two of Mad Men ended last night, which clearly means one thing -- it's done being an outstanding show. It's true! Can anybody name a show that didn't take at least a slight step backwards in its third season? I for one would love it if some of my favorite serialized dramas would give themselves a three-season time limit. Drew over at The Apple Capital Rumble pointed out a startling point, that the new season of television has been a little lackluster. The new third season of Dexter has started out slowly, and I fear that when Summer 2009 comes around, greedy TV execs will be trying to stretch the show's original premise as far as it can run. And that's just a bad idea.

Season three brought lameness to some of my favorite shows. Tommy Dolan raped his ex-wife on Rescue Me and the moment was so unsettling that I never ended up picking up the rest of the season, or the series. Another F/X Network drama Nip/Tuck went from beautiful to cartoonish in its third season with the Carver plotline. When Nancy Marchand / Livia Soprano passed away in season three of The Sopranos, the show, while still retaining most of its greatness through the rest of its series, lost the original premise that made the first two seasons so compelling. Season three of Six Feet Under was gutsy in shifting the main characters' lives drastically, but again, the writers at times had to strain to keep the show fresh while still essentially replaying the characters' central neuroses over and over again. And, while last night's episode of Dexter showed some seriously intriguing progression in the season, one can sense that the central premise of the show can only go so long before needing some major shaking up. Of course, the only recent "favorite" show of mine that managed to avoid the third season curse was The Wire, and that's mainly because the scope of the show was so broad.

For a show like Mad Men that relies on a central character and the people in his universe, I fear that there's only so far that we can go before we will need some serious closure. Season two of Mad Men revealed itself to be a step up from season one in many ways (notably, the women became stronger characters, the mysteries of Don Draper revealed themselves to be an even bigger mindfreak than we thought, etc.) but, many plotlines that were dangling tension-builders were tied up at the end of last night's episode. Now, we know that Pete knows about his secret baby with Peggy (and, while I appreciated the dark mood of the

scene, I couldn't help but be a little let down by one of the penultimate scenes of the season being essentially a "I had your secret baby" conversation); Don and Betty are back together and pretty much back to normal despite their coming baby; Sterling Cooper is now officially set up with a bad guy president (Duck Phillips) and goofball douchebag running accounts (Pete) while Don will ostensibly set up a new firm to compete against them.

But, what plotlines can be continued in the third season that could possibly continue to build on the greatness of season two? The baby plotline with Don and Betty is a bit standard operating procedure for any dramatic show. The inner dynamics of the world of advertising have now become a lot less grey and a lot more black and white; clearly we as viewers are going to root for Draper's creative style over Duck Phillips and Pete Cooper's by-the-books advertising firm that sells advertising based on television ratings. Approximately 45% of the show's intrigue comes from the workplace dynamics that, to me, can't possibly return to where they started at this point. I admire a show that refuses to overstay its welcome on certain plot developments, but when it does so and turns its dynamic into something more simplistic, it hurts the show. Things like this make me think that it's going to be hard for this show to avoid the third season curse.

I loved how this episode focused so strongly on our central characters, and how the backdrop of the Cuban Missle Crisis brought an impending sense of dread that was enhanced by the beautiful shadowy, Gordon Willis-like cinematography. But, I worry that the finale painted itself into a corner, one that when the new season begins next summer, it will have a difficult time getting itself out of.

Sneak attack Hanson post!

A mid-morning G-chat conversation:

me: i'm trying to write my blogulator post right now
me: but it's a bit difficult
Brigitte: why?
me: all I want to do is write a sneak attack post about how much i love hanson
me: but i think chris and qualler would delete it and have me executed
Brigitte: haha no they wouldn't
Brigitte: you should do that!

Well, okay then! If this post gets me in trouble, remember that Brigitte gave me permission.

I fucking love Hanson. I don't care if you think that makes me a teeny bopper straight out of 1997, a musical Philistine, or just simply an idiot. Because I can say, unequivocally, that if you think Hanson is a one-hit wonder, an untalented pre-packaged music industry bullshit band that fizzled once everybody got "MmmBop" out of their heads, or the punchline of a decade-old joke, you are wrong. You just are. Sorry! We're all wrong sometimes, and it's your turn.

In actuality, the boys of Hanson are brilliant musicians, for a number of reasons. First of all, they sing, play, and write all their own music, and they have since they were in the single digits. Their first major studio album, Middle of Nowhere, seemed cheesy on the surface, what with the videos of them running around on the beach in hand-me-down clothes and floppy hair reminiscent of basset hound ears, but it was amazing pop that belied great musical talent, and I can promise you that it still stands up ten years later. They recently rerecorded Middle of Nowhere live in the round, and "Yearbook" still literally gives me chills.

But when your star burns that brightly that quickly, and you want to grow as artists, fame tends to get fickle, as does the music industry, and Hanson's second album, This Time Around, suffered from the Mercury/Island Def Jam label merge (which is the tiny threat that ties this post back to books; the whole time I was watching the Hanson documentary, Strong Enough to Break, about their split from IDJ and how they established their own label, under which they release all their records now, I couldn't help but think about how that happens in publishing all the time, that companies merge, staff gets laid off or fired or moved, and books languish unloved and unmarketed, practically never to see the light of day).

It took them almost three years to put out their third album, Underneath, because while they wanted to showcase their growth as songwriters and musicians, IDJ basically wanted another "MmmBop". They wrote over 80 songs for IDJ A&R VP Jeff Fenster, most of which were rejected, worked with all his recommended producers after what they put together with the people they liked to work with was swept aside, and basically, with their Midwestern good-naturedness and all-around even-tempered approach to business, did everything they could to please the label before it became clear that they were being run around in circles.

How can you not admire three guys, not one of whom is over the age of twenty-five, making the difficult and potentially disasterous decision to split from their major label, head back to Tulsa and start one of their own? But they did it, and now it's two albums later, and Hanson is selling out venues. The obvious maturity of their latest album, The Walk, is undeniable, from the strength of "Great Divide" to the plaintive ballad "Go" to "Georgia", a love song that is one of my personal favorites. I'm not the only person who feels this way, but often when critics reviewed the last two albums they made some kind of punny reference to leaving "MmmBop" behind, but the truth is that the Hanson boys balk every time someone expects them to denounce the work they did ten years ago and insist they're "not that band anymore." Because they ARE that band, still, to this day; with every album they get closer and closer to expressing who they are through their music, but they have no desire to distance themselves from their earlier work.

And why should they? Hanson has never been about impressing people or projecting a certain image. It's always been about the music. It's always been about expressing themselves. They are the most sincere, guileless band in the history of music, and they always have been, and when that's your history there's nothing to be ashamed of. They're still writing about the same stuff--love, loss, uncertainty, fear, strength, and personal responsibility--they've just grown up, so they are lyrically more mature and musically more complex. They experiment, try to come at their work from the best angle possible (a good example of this was to record The Walk as if they were playing it for an audience, performing each song together with no fancy pants editing tricks to layer their voices over their instrumentation), and combine gratitude for their fan base with a monumental effort to improve the world.

I think Hanson are glad they're no longer astronomically famous. They're an indie band now, and I think that's what they were always meant to be, because it's about them and the music, not fame or fortune. I like them better this way, too. When people make fun of me for loving Hanson, I just smile and shake my head, feeling sorry for closed-minded music snobs who have no idea what they're missing.

This Week in Elitism: Limos for comedians? You've got to be kidding me.

Done had her baby tonight; maybe a limo took her to the hospital.

I was listening to NPR this morning, while eating breakfast, styling my hair, and, oh yes, driving my car in the parking lot known as Interstate 35W South, when I heard a snippet of a convo with a former SNL cast member. Apparently, the job is pretty cushy: canoodling with celebs, tables held at the "it" spots, and limos to take you anywhere you need to go. The part that struck me as odd was the fact that each cast member gets their own limo. Their own limo? So they line up after the show and each person gets into them one by one? Isn't it lonely to be in a limo by yourself? It's like a vacuum for comedy.

That, combined with the fact that the SNLers seem so homespun/salt-o-the-earth/regular, makes me feel like the limos are overkill. Wouldn't it be cooler if they all shared a cab and every they rode in it different people took turns standing up out of the moonroof and waving to pedestrians? That would boost popularity among NYC Joe the Plumbers, since that's how they do it on Long Island. And, as we all know, not many SNL members can shake it when they go out on their own.

Of course, it would be infinitely more funny if they each had their own clown car and had to drive in circles anywhere they went. That would boost their popularity among me's.

Guest Post: The Jigsaw Killer

In celebration (or in memoriam) of Halloween, the Blogulator has received a cassette tape from its good friend Jigsaw.

The rest of the recording is obfuscated by the sounds of Jigsaw crunching on something that can only be hypothesized as red and delicious. We have transcribed the remainder. Oh yes. There will be blood.


For years now, you've all been regressing into metasociety, where your most intimate thoughts are founded in children's television and postmodern comedy. Every time you encounter a situation that may be unique, you devalue it, saying to yourself, "This could have been a plotline in that show about the friends in New York." Then you tell your friends about it, and they agree... only they think of the other show with the friends from New York. And you're both content to leave it at that, happy to know that your real-life experience in some way approaches fiction.

In the days before ubiquitous media and "culture"-soaked internet, most people were forced to consume a 300-page book if they wished to drop a meaningful reference into their day-to-day tête à tête. And in that 300 pages, it was only probable that additional insight into the human experience would be passed from author to reader - not through some one-line comment where Jesus beats a fish, but through chapter after chapter of relationship-driven dialogue and circumstance. Literature required investment on both ends, by the printers with their scarce pulp and the readers with their scarce, plague-shortened lives. Knowledge was a commodity in and of itself, and the only aphorism of value was one which actually revealed the tragedy of our cancerous society. Fear of this knowledge constructed giant bonfires of books meant to destroy more than the aside that "It tastes like burning."

Yet here we rest, with productions of almost any type inevitably containing some allusion to an alternate. If we fail to consume that which we are expected to, it is our loss; for more often than not the reference is contained entirely within itself. Pure story falls into the distance, as anyone interested in inclusion is burdened with the task of consuming the thousand and one tales leading up to the present. Simplicity is abandoned to unnecessary, unhealthy complication.

So here is the game: Through manipulation of the winds, I have managed to inject an air bubble into each of your bloodstreams. In the year between the releases of Saw V and Saw VI (Book of Shadows), you must emote an ethos of individuality capable of releasing your healing, bubble-popping toxins. The path to enlightenment is yours to forge, but I will warn you now that an ecotour to Panama led by a Buddhist Penn grad by no means qualifies. Media is not the only source of meta-devolution. People everywhere - spinning in the gym, chomping down on chips, kissing their sweethearts goodnight - are guilty of the same sin. And they will all suffer for it.

Is it really you who decided to lock lips with Bessie Mae? Or is it the hours of Disney tweenia that motivated your move? I am Jigsaw, so only I know.


The reason I am so harsh and misinterpreted as evil is because I want you to change, and I want you to survive. Saw VII (Glistening Ember) will completely redraw the boundaries of fiction and nonfiction, and you should be there to see it. Creating something so purely original is a rare event, made possible only through the torture of a soul shot down by cancer in the prime of his life. I lost everything I ever gained before I could inhabit my new persona. Here writes the masked product of true nature, and it towers above your fabrications. Humble it is not, but human it is.

Live. Enjoy the visceral struggle for survival, the impossible search for meaning and answers, the horrible actuality embodied in my devices. Be like me...

The Jigsaw Killer.

Jigsaw's fifth biopic opens today.

Why I Hate Deadwood

Qualler and I have been arguing nonstop (seriously...it's ruining our marriage...) about the merits of HBO's Deadwood. He loves it, I don't. Here is my attempt to verbalize why. *

1. The Old West is my Least Favorite Time Period
Ok, so, we've got western civilization, with all its "modern" conveniences, and then we go ahead and, as a nation, go backwards. Suddenly, there is no law. There is no hygiene. I know that other olden time periods were unhygienic as well, but this was ridiculous. I would never have made it in the old west. I would have died of one of the various vaguely described diseases right away. If I have to watch a period piece, then I'd much prefer one of the more decadent periods and places in time, like, say, Marie Antionette. It's like a whole society decided to say "hey, no more rules!! no parents! You're not the boss of me!! Let's kill some Indians!" well, you know what guys? Rules are there for a reason!!

2. Great Example of How Television Need Not be Totally Visually Realistic to be Enjoyable
I've (hopefully) already described the negative aspects of the Old West. Now, when portraying the Old West in movie or television form, it's OK to take some visual liberties (re: the actors don't have to look so dirty and sweaty). I don't really need to see just how dirty the men's mouths were when they had quiet conversations with each other in the filthy, disgusting bar. I can almost smell their unbrushed teeth. Gross. If I have to watch something that takes place in the Old West, then I'll watch, oh, say, The Assasination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford. Take a look at these guys! Not at all dirty! Hot, in fact. See how they manage to PORTRAY the gritty toughness of the old west without actually having to stop bathing, as actors, to give us the same effect? Or, how about Back to the Future Part III (which is still my least favorite back to the future movie because it takes place in, you guess it! the old west!) or even Doctor Quinn, Medicine Woman, which we used to watch as a family every Saturday night? Also, this is a good argument of why I don't really think that High Definition is necessary. People are gross sometimes. I don't need to be blown away by that fact with a larger than life picture of people close up and dirty and being all gross. Which brings me to my next point:

3. Too Icky
There is so much blood in this show--and not just blood, but blood mixed with dirt. Everyone was constantly dirty. Ever heard of soap?? Or streams? I'm sure you had streams to wash in at least once in awhile. Which goes back to my point that the Old West was a terrible time to be alive. Everyone's dying because you're just filthy. They have more sex scenes than I care to watch, more bloody scenes than I care to see, and even the every day conversation scenes are full of really gross, dirty men and women, so...there ya have it. Too icky. I really don't want to see anyone pummel a con artist and her brother to death, especially when they're doing it out in the dirty street, surrounded by horses and filth.

4. Too Sad
Even when I can get past the grossness of the show (which essentially my other points all added up to) this show is way too sad. People seem to die left and right. All the women (besides Calamity Jane and a few others) are terribly mistreated prostitutes. Everyone is just so mean to each other! And then there's that little orphan girl who doesn't even speak English...way too sad. I don't want to cry over a show that I also can't get into because it takes place in my least favorite time period. I'll save my tears for the HBO documentaries, thank you very much.

5. That Language!
Enough said. Bad language! Very bad! But that's realistic, you say? See point 2.

6. Can't Tell the Characters Apart
I can't tell them apart! All old, dirt covered unshaven men look the same. True, the main character is somewhat handsome, but...at times I even have a difficult time picking him out of a crowd. I can't follow their storylines because I can't tell which angry brothel running outlaw is which.

So there you have it. I don't like Deadwood.

*Author's note: I have never seen an entire episode of Deadwood.

Ad it Up: Are you a Mac or PC?

I was all prepared to add on to Monday's excellent guest post and make it a Kanye week this week. I feel so conflicted about him because of those damn shutter shades sunglasses he got all the kids to wear. They're not sunglasses! They don't block the sun; they just block your eyes from seeing! But every damn hipster from here to Timbuktu is wearing them. Could have been a great Angry Amy post, but I was vindicated last week when I saw some half shutter, half regular sunglasses in a store window. Now you can be hip like Kanye AND still shield your corneas from the blinding sun AND still see ALL of the person in front of you! Looks like practicality wins in the end. Muahahahhahahahahha. I feel like this is a personal victory for some reason. Next, I'll have to tackle that increasingly popular/disgusting hipster fashion trend of tying a bandanna around your neck like a train robber in the old west. Another Kanye trend? I'm not sure where it was re-popularized, but I wouldn't put it past him. I've got to calm down before I can broach that subject in a semi-coherent manner, though.

Instead of gossiping about celebs, this week I'm trying out a new feature. The premise of "Ad it Up" is pretty straightforward - I am going to analyze my love or hate of certain advertisements. Side Note: I know "Ad it Up" is a stupid title for it, but bear with me cause I had a little mental block when asked to name this feature. The Blogulator IT department posted what I could come up under my features section with so for this week I'm stuck with "Ad it Up," but I am open to suggestions. Please comment with any ideas. Now, let's get to the meat and potatoes of this post...

Mac v. PC

Gotta say, I love Mac's ad campaign. They've been doing the whole "I'm a Mac and I'm a PC" series for a couple of years now. I almost didn't notice it at first. I thought it was a cleaver idea, but never guessed it would have turned into a campaign as recognizable as the Mastercard "Priceless" one. Some people thought that Apple was acting all smug with their hip, young Mac guy and their nerdy, professional PC guy who was constantly trying to execute harebrained ideas to make PCs more appealing. I guess it is a little bit smug, but I didn't really have a problem with it because Apple always stuck to attacking the inferiority of their competitor's product. That is, until recently. Tonight I saw a new "I'm a Mac" commercial that takes the comparison of products one step further. This new ad goes after, of all things, Microsoft's work ethic - and I think it's genius!

I love a good fight. And I can't even remember the last hard-core product war I witnessed on TV. Microsoft has remained virtually silent on the previous "I'm a Mac" commercials until well into Apple's relentless attack on the kinks with Windows Vista. A little while ago, Microsoft finally responded by demanding not to be pigeonholed into a nerdy stereotype in this ad.


I don't think many people bought the everything to everyone claim in the commercial, and Microsoft definitely missed the mark on this one by not answering the Vista question. Fine. No big deal. Till Apple made this attack on Microsoft's advertising choices.



And my favorite:


So could we be seeing a response from Microsoft? This blogger hopes so. Otherwise, there's always Kanye to keep us entertained and outraged.

Today's Top 40 Spectrum: Things Are Getting Better (Minus The Mraz Comeback)

Things are looking a bit up for the pop music-consuming children and (fake) adults of American this month. Only two out of the five below are downright terrible! Check them out, ranked from best to worst...

"Whatever You Like" by T.I.: The synthesizer is the instrument that is single-handedly keeping mainstream hip-hop from being the wasteland that it was just a year ago or so. Two years ago, "What You Know" proved that whoever was behind T.I.'s mixing board was a cut above the rest of the gangster rappers' producers, because he turned the common abrasive beat into a beast that was still strong and intimidating, but also inflected with a hint of softness. This new single comes on the heels of T.I.'s drug and gun posession charge, which led him to something like a million hours of community service, aka giving lectures to schoolkids about staying away from Walmart parking lots full of sweet cheap firearms that could easily quell your rising paranoia if only the Feds weren't already onto you because you're like totally famous...or something. So he's even stopped rapping a little bit, getting sensual without being overtly perverted (still a little perverted) like so many rappers, which is almost as delightful to hear as those perky and blippy synths that sound like they came straight out of a Boards of Canada record.

"Got Money" by Lil' Wayne feat. T-Pain: This guy's fame is outta control. I actually really enjoy how dense his beats and polyphonic keyboard loops are, and even though I have absolutely no evidence that proves my hypothesis, I feel like if he walked into any given room in the United States, at least half the people in that room would have aneurysms. He's loved by kids, teens, hipsters, critics, and others of all social classes and varieties. He's like Kanye, except he has street cred. And while it's frustrating that this new smash hit of his is basically just repeating "I have acquried mass amounts of wealth and I would like to brag about it thusly" over and over again, I can't help but think he's so completely over the top that it may be a joke he's aware of on some minute level. Kind of like if VH1's I Love Money had a theme song and yes the number one priority of that song was still to make money, but it also smirked as it did it, like "see how easy this is?" It's agonizing but also there's no denying how extremely satisfying those synths are (almost as good as T.I.'s).

"Hot N' Cold" by Katy Perry: I feel so terrible right now. I kind of like a Katy Perry song. I did that lame indie snob thing where I heard the song on the radio, thought "ooh who's this?," found out it was Perry, then retroactively book-by-its-cover-dismissed it as garbage. But then that same scenario unfolded twice more and I finally admitted defeat. Katy Perry is quite evil in many ways ("I Kissed A Girl," "UR So Gay"), but this song is only mildly offensive and it's way catchier than the other two. It's propulsive in the chorus yet pleasurably lofty in the verse, the production is intensely rigid but in a way that makes it fierce instead of robotic. Sure, she's bordering on irrational and arrogant (see Pink below), but at least she's not fixed on enforcing anti-homosexual male-driven sentiment in a shallow guise of female empowerment. Sure stereotypes abound here with cold feet and much more, but at least she's not making judgment calls or manipulating her audience with fake shock tactics.

"So What" by Pink: Ms. Alecia Moore is exactly the type of person who should be a breath of fresh air in a world of passive and/or oversexed Top 40 female singers, but she just ends up aggravating me to no end. Instead of being justly angry with a cause of ANY kind, she's irrational and arrogant. Which just leads to a dichotomy of girls everywhere learning to either get slutty or get crazy. Lovely. In her latest #1 hit, she's passionate about the following things: 1) starting fights, 2) being a rock star, and 3) referencing Tron Guy. Great, so it's basically a non-underdog rip-off of "One Angry Dwarf" by Ben Folds Five, now with YouTube generation appeal! Also, the first verse commits one of my personal pop song sins: having the vocal and instrumental melodies match EXACTLY for maximum redundancy. I would say I hate this even more than the fart noise that comes as the end of the song. Yes, you read that right: "Da na nuh na na (flatulence)" is the final lyric of the song.

"I'm Yours" by Jason Mraz: This man, his white undershirt, and his dumbass bowler hat need to go back to the mid-00s has-been vat that they somehow found a way out of. How is it that no one cares about Jack Johnson, John Mayer, Dave Matthews, or Keller Williams anymore (correction: no one probably ever cared about that last guy I mentioned, it took me a good 10 seconds to come up with another shoeless smiling cheeseball) but Mraz has shot his way back up into the Top Ten? Is it because his music has this kind of generic pop gloss that oozes over the top of it with chanting background singers and a nasally Maroon 5-esque tinge? Don't get me wrong, all those other waifs are boring and bland as an unsalted organic Triscuit, but at least they didn't so clearly bypass the tried and true hippie-approved system of garnering a fanbase, then breaking into the mainstream like Mraz did. Maybe that's it! He forwent the cult following and went straight to moronic middling acoustic guy for the majors! And of course everyone needs a pet, even the lite-rock divisions of corporate behemoths.

Guest Post: Kanye Reads Your Brain Then Gets Stuck In It

[Editor's Note -- As you may have read, Qualler is temporarily out of commission from contributing to the Blogulator, but will return soon. This week we have our esteemed NYC friend Anita filling in for him with a special guest post on the phenomenon that is Mr. Ego himself, Kanye West. Check out her tumblr, Hello. Nice To See You., and also don't forget to check out weekend postings from OHD and Nicole below!]

Hey Blogulator readers! Anita here - one of the folks linked on the right side over there. Friend of the Blogulator, and fellow lover of pop culture. Bringing you that eastern perspective from a strange microcosm of self-absorbed, urban madness where people do things like this. I love it anyway. I was chatting with Chris a while back I was like, "hey it would be cool if you had guest posters," and he was like, "yeah totally. You should post!" (Or something like that.) It's exciting to be here!

Kayne West has been on my mind as of late. His new single/video "Love Lockdown" premiered on Ellen last week and it has been stuck in my head every since. Come to think of it, new Kanye stuff is ALWAYS stuck in my head. I was thinking about that the other day and wondering what is it about Kayne? It's like he is a purveyor of up and coming culture brought to the masses for popular consumption. Bingo!

Now I know he isn't the only one nor is this even a profound insight but I'm going to write about it anyway because I can't help but notice so many intersecting ideas. Cool? For one, just take a look at Kanye's blog. In his latest posts, he has written about a Banksy installation, a robotic insect, and the new MacBook. Things that have been on your average young, urban person's radar and when you hear about them, you think, "Hey, cool."

His fashion sense as well is derived from the urban and indie kids. I have to give credit to the kid on NPR who said, "Kanye brought the gay street style and made it cool for everyone to rock." He even helped bring skate style into urban culture. In his latest video, you'll see him continuing the trend, bringing Sperry shoes to the street.

Not to mention that Kanye is one of the few artists that has recognized the evolution of music as an industry. Record sales haven't been cutting it and rather than accept that, he is innovating music into the art form that it always has been. When he is not around, he is on our mind.

A subway ad that surfaced earlier this year. What?

When he is around, he is also on our mind. Kanye has a new book, song and video that feels like one continuing art piece. It's no surprise you'll hear minimal drum beats as the base for "Love Lockdown". Minimalist music has been making a comeback in a big way. And it seems perfect that you'll find Kanye on the latest cover of Fader - a vehicle of "cutting edge" culture that digs underground and brings culture to the masses. I can't help but consume the work of Kanye because it is so artfully crafted.

There's something about creepy, cultish collegiates

How do you like that alliteration?!

But seriously, folks, what do these three books have in common?*

1. The Secret History by Donna Tartt: "Narrator Richard Papen comes from a lower-class family and a loveless California home to the 'hermetic, overheated atmosphere' of Vermont's Hampden College...he is accepted into a clique of five socially sophisticated students who study Classics with an idiosyncratic, morally fraudulent professor. Despite their demanding curriculum (they quote Greek classics to each other at every opportunity) the friends spend most of their time drinking and taking pills."

2. Special Topics in Calamity Physics by Marisha Pessl: "After 10 years of traveling with her father, a perennial (and pedantic) visiting lecturer at various, obscure institutions of higher learning, Blue Van Meer finally settles in as a senior at the St. Gallway School in Stockton, North Carolina. There she is bemused to find herself part of a charmed circle of popular kids called the Bluebloods and the protege of the mysterious film-studies teacher, Hannah Schneider."

3. The Likeness by Tana French: " A young woman [is] found stabbed to death in a small town outside Dublin. The dead girl’s ID says her name is Lexie Madison—the identity Detective Cassie Maddox used years ago as an undercover detective—and she looks exactly like Cassie. With no leads, no suspects, and no clue to Lexie’s real identity, Cassie’s old undercover boss spots the opportunity of a lifetime. They can say that the stab wound wasn’t fatal and send Cassie undercover in her place to find out information that the police never would and to tempt the killer out of hiding. At first Cassie thinks the idea is crazy, but she is seduced by the prospect of working on a murder investigation again and by the idea of assuming the victim’s identity as a graduate student with a cozy group of friends."

If you said an outsider narrator who infiltrates a group of highly intellectual, wealthy, mysterious, cliquish co-eds, you'd be right on the money. This is not to say that these books are cheap knock offs of each other; I've read them all, and they certainly are not, although it's impossible to imagine that Special Topics in Calamity Physics and The Likeness were not in some way influenced and shaped by Donna Tartt's masterpiece, which came out more than ten years before either of the other two and is sort of the king of the sub-sub-genre they're all working in.

You know what else these books have in common? A murder mystery. Like you're surprised. The situation is ripe for intrigue, especially with all that money and hotness and ancient languages and money floating around. Oh, did I say money twice?

My inner critic wants to debate the merits of each of these novels, but that's not really my point here. Still, my inner critic cannot be snuffed out, so here we go: All these novels have plots that are melodramatic and mildly unbelievable, so you really do have to surrender your reality at the door. That said, once you do, two out of the three of them will not disappoint you one iota. The Secret History is the best of the three because Donna Tartt is an amazing writer, her prose is top-notch, and she does some wicked cool stuff with character (mainly, authorly acrobatics that somehow trick you into caring about a passel of insufferable narcissists). The Secret History is a modern classic, so if you read any of these it should really be that one.

The Likeness is really great for an entirely different reason. Tana French knows how to take a narrator and make you care fiercely about that person, and she doesn't need to trick you into it like Donna Tartt--Cassie Maddox is just a damn awesome woman, and that's necessary because unlike The Secret History, which uses Richard Papen to tell the story of other people, The Likeness is all about Cassie, which makes you more invested. Tana French is also a great, great writer, prose-wise, and her story is shorter and simpler, which makes it less grand and epic but also makes it hit closer to home.

As for Special Topics in Calamity Physics...well, I have mixed feelings. On the one hand, Pessl's narrator is not as deftly executed as the others, and this has a trickle-down affect with the rest of the characters in the book, plus the first three hundred or so pages manage to be both wicked boring and also irritatingly precocious (any piece of fiction peppered liberally with MLA citations is NO FRIEND OF MINE). On the other hand, Pessl manages to pull it out at the end, and it turns out that her mystery is the most intricate and fascinating of the three. So, while I ended up enthralled with the novel towards the end, I'm probably one of the few people who managed to get that far without throwing the book against the wall and crying, "I give up!"

But my point wasn't really to criticize, or even review, any of these books. My point is really a question: What makes these sorts of tales so interesting? As Bella was drawn to the Cullens,** so is the reader drawn to Tartt's classic Greek scholars, French's mansion-dwelling Dubliners, and Pessl's Bluebloods. Why is this? Obviously, these being murder mysteries, the odds of these people being fully gone loonies is astronomically high and in real life one would be foolish not to steer clear.

I track this to "I have enough friends" syndrome. As we all learned in middle school, cliques are both deeply frustrating and also incredibly fascinating--from the outside, that is. The idea that a couple of people would cut themselves off so deliberately from everyone else in their peer-populated environment is baffling and bizarre, not to mention incredibly tempting, even if deep down you know you'd rather eat rusty nails than spend quality time with any of these people. You can't help but imagine that they are full of intrigue and secrets, probably licentious ones--sex, drugs, crimes that carry the death penalty in most states, the whole nine yards. And you also, stupidly, believe that if they would just let you in, you would be privy to all these secrets. Not so, as our luckless narrators find out one by one, but it seems possible, and therein lies the source of their power, and thus the draw of these types of stories. People who read are a lot like spies--they want to know things, have to know things, and cannot rest until they do, even if it costs them their (or the narrators') lives.

*All summaries taken from Amazon
**See Twilight by Stephenie Meyer

This Week in Elitism: Mourning your stock portfolio? How 'bout a movie night?

The economy is presently the only issue in the world...according to CNN. Are we still at war? Who knows, right? But not for nothing, the economic "nuclear winter" has caused a good deal of residual depression in the money-ed class. I'm just smiling that the price of gas seems so cheap! Under $3? It's like it's free!!

For all those currently sitting bleary-eyed in front of their TV, watching the money channel- I'm sure there is one, also crying in their Açai Berry Häagen-Daaz-over-priced pint of the elite- I have another option sure to boost your spirits...

Movie Marathon!
There are numerous films that show business as it should be, pre-financial meltdown: a struggle, yes, but so much fun, so inspiring, a career option for the noble of spirit and optimism, the best kind of Americans. So put down the pint, put on your best business suit (costumes are fun at a themed-movie night!), and mix yourself a G & T...

The Pursuit of Happyness
Will Smith as a man with infinite optimism and desire for money opts into the fast-paced world of insurance, putting every ounce of his being (and his son's well-being) into reaching his goal: a flashy car! Ahh, the American dream. I personally thought all the business stuff in the beginning 90% of the movie was overkill, but the last scene, when he gets all misty, is perfection. I almost cried, but mostly because his son is the cutest little boy in the world. The point is, though, that he didn't fear a market recession, he just went for it, and so can you! Now go work on your resume.

Working Girl
Melanie Griffith as the secretary who's smarter than the bosses, who works her way through night school, lies a lot, and ultimately scores Harrison Ford! I'd sell my morals for that kind of dividend...am I right? She goes through the business world makeover, losing the 80's hair and bangles, wears $1,000 dresses, and crashes a wedding. It's mad-cap fun, but the ending, again, seals the deal: Carly Simon's amazing "Let the River Run" playing loudly over a helicopter shot of the city always gives me chills and makes me want to buy a sexy tailored suit and show those executives a thing or two. The point is that your wardrobe is essential; never buy anything but french cuffed shirts and shirts with bows are fine. Honestly.

Big Business
Here's some comic relief that still manages to put a human face on money making. The plot is a little far-fetched: two sets of identical twins are mixed up at birth and end up facing off against each other in a multimillion dollar deal, involving strip-mining and the rocking chair industry. The comic antics of Bette Midler and Lily Tomlin run the gamut of scenarios, from the putt-putt championships to FAO Schwartz, from the Plaza Hotel to the stockholder meeting. It's full of quippy one-liners that will remind you of how you used to joke around the water-cooler. Don't despair! This two-hour dose of hilarity will give you the laughter you need to help you forget that you may never have that camaraderie again. Okay, maybe you should keep eating your ice cream. It may be the only pleasure you'll have for a while.

Cartoon! - Similarities a plenty.

Politics as usual... Vote Blogulator in '08!

The Dark Side of Cable

NOTE: The publishers of the Blogulator found this post scrunched up somewhere around Qualler's desk. We found him at his desk, mumbling to himself things like "The answer is 'C'"and yelling to no one in particular things like "RARGENFLARGEN!!!!!!!!" We're not sure if this was the result of overwork exhaustion or the anger caused by something he recently saw on cable, but the fact that he then decided to take a nap under the table tells us that Qualler is taking a short hiatus from blogging until October 27. We tried to transcribe the following post the best we could. We're sorry.

Hey gang. Now, I know I've ranted and raved about the great things that cable can bring to a person. But, there are downsides to cable, too. For one, there is a non-stop stream of advertising in your home, the quiet, peaceful place you go to rest your head after a long day of work. I mean, I don't want the Neutrogena Lash Blast or whatever! Leave me alone. But, honestly, there's also a lot of really, really bad shows out there, too. And, bad shows, annoying people, poor decisions made by networks, you name it, it's out there. Allow me to recount the ways things suck.

Bad movies on the movie channels

Yeah, there are occasionally some good shows on these channels, like Dexter and stuff. But, for every one good hour of TV, there are about 296 hours worth of craptastic movies on. Take, for example, Bee Movie. This movie, which came out last year, is really, really bad. It literally causes pain in my body. I can actually feel Jerry Seinfeld frantically mugging for me through the insides of my body. "GET IT?!" he says in my dreams. "THEY'RE PLAYING 'MY CANDY GIRL' BY THE ARCHIES CUZ, YOU KNOW, I'M A BEE!!!" He also stops to explain how a regular bee would "TOTALLY LOVE CINNABUNS, CUZ, THEY'RE JUST SUGAR AND A BEE LOVES SUGAR AND" then I turn off the TV. ROAR.

Comedy on CNN?!

Seriously! "D.L. Hughley Breaks the News" premieres on Saturday night, October 25, on CNN! COMEDY! ON A NEWS NETWORK!! ISN'T THAT TOTALLY GROUNDBREAKING?!?!? I dunno, to me, this show, designed to be an unconventional look at the news, sounds a tee bit derivative. Says CNN/U.S. president Jon Klein, "D.L. is a news junkie who is bursting with things to say about what is going on in the world -- most of them funny, all of them thoughtful, none of them predictable." Wow, so, you're telling me, there's going to be a show where they talk about the news, then a guy, probably a comedian, comes in and gives his own skewed view of those news items, probably with some kind of joke involved?!?!?!? IT'S ON EVERY OTHER CHANNEL, AND NONE OF THOSE CHANNELS ARE NEWS CHANNELS!!!!!!! AAAAALJDSLFKJDSF!!!!!!!

Ian McShane Showing Up in Children's Movies, After I Watched Deadwood A Lot

Right after I watched another great, absolutely magnificent episode of Deadwood on my DVR (here's a fairly spoiler-free scene for those uninitiated), I changed the channel to HBO Family to find Ian McShane, aka Al Swearengen in some children's movie, The Seeker: The Dark is Rising. He was encouraging some little boy to be the best little boy he could be, RIGHT AFTER he got done calling someone a cocksucker on the episode I watched. (I left the swear in because it's what Deadwood creator David Milch would want me to do.) Now, there's nothing wrong with being in children's movies, EXCEPT that it reminds me of the fact that either HBO decided or David Milch decided to pull the plug on Deadwood after three seasons and not give it a proper "series finale." Now, this Christmas, HBO is releasing a "complete series" boxed set, along with Milch explaining what would have happened on the series finale, had it been made. YEAH, I WANNA WATCH 36 EPISODES OF A SHOW JUST TO WATCH THE WRITER TALK ABOUT WHAT WOULD HAVE HAPPENED HAD THEY MADE A SERIES FINALE!!!!!! SKjfalsdkjf;owajfa;odsjfdsaf (barely controlled rage now...) (Also, if you don't mind a little teeny spoiler, Kristen Bell had a fantastic guest turn on a few eps.)

VH1 Reality Shows

SOME GUY WHO WAS WALKING REALLY SLOWLY IN FRONT OF ME AT THE STORE IN DOWNTON MPLS WAS TALKING ABOUT HOW MC HAMMER AND THAT LOSER COREY FELDMAN HAD TO GO CAMPING AND THEY COULDN'T EVEN PITCH A TENT AND MAN THEY'RE IDIOTS MEANWHILE I'M TRYING TO BUY MY FOOD SO I CAN GET BACK TO WORK AND STUDY AND WHY IS THIS SOCIETY BUILT AROUND CRAPTASTIC TV SHOWS ABOUT PEOPLE WHO DESPITE MAKING POOR CAREER MOVES ARE STILL MORE SUCCESSFUL THAN YOU ARE THIS IA SDLKJASD;LKFJDSALFJADS;LJFSALDJFWAEFJSAONVA

Below this scrawl are a few hasty sketches of bombs exploding televisions across the country. Whew. I think Qualler needs a break. Let's give him a break for a week and a half. In the meantime, enjoy this "new skool" version of "My Candy Girl", video done by a superfan of Ashley Tisdale. I know you'll enjoy this, DoktorPeace.

Angry Amy Talks Music

It's been a while since I have been worked up about pop culture. I've actually been pretty calm about it lately. I've had great movie experiences, great concert experiences, and Hollyweird is finally full of slutty teens again. All is right in the world. Or at least it was until last night. I sense an ANGRY AMY coming on...get comfy, cause it's a two-parter this week.

You know what makes me angry?!!!

1) BSS Bro's

It makes me really angry when you're at a great concert with talented musicians and an excellent opener but the venue is completely packed with "bro's!" You know the kind. I'm talking about the 30-something frat boys in button-down dress shirts and jeans, holding a can of PBR in one hand and making the "rock" sign in the other. The kind who get wasted at every concert they go to and spit while talking by the end of the night. The kind who nudge their way in front of you even though they are twice your height and weight and then end up elbowing you in the ribs all evening like the balcony is a mosh pit. On Monday night, I had the pleasure of navigating through a sea of such "bro's" at First Ave while taking in a concert by Broken Social Scene, an indie rock staple, with fellow blogger, Chris. I came in with the expectation that the show would be crowded, but as with all bigger concerts that I go to, I didn't predict the doucheyness. I ALWAYS forget about the doucheyness! I probably should have guessed by the fact that The Current (long, gangly, college rock - but with money, arm of MPR) was putting it on that I would run into such fine young gentlemen. At one point, I tried to squeeze by someone to sit in a vacant chair. I said, "excuse me" five times before he moved slightly and he never so much as glanced in my direction.

Aside from the crowd, the concert was pretty fantastic. Rising stars Land of Talk opened with a powerful performance, and singer Liz even joined BSS for the female parts on a few of their hits. It was nice that just the two bands were on the bill too because things moved along fairly quickly. By the time the headliner took the stage, I was still rarin' to go. Broken Social Scene did play an unusually long set - (could have made me angry if I'd stayed through all four of their encores) - but fortunately they blew their wad within the first 45 minutes and played almost all of their hits before the sleepy train came to pick me up and send me home.

2) Baby Language

It makes me angry when artists say crap like "I'm creating a baby" or other artsy and/or pretentious ways of saying what they really mean!!! I thought it was a little odd that M.I.A. announced her retirement right after her album Kala and hit single, "Paper Planes," took off. But recent reports confirm my initial suspicions that this was merely a freakout. Pitchfork reported this weekend that Maya found out she was pregnant at the same time that "Paper Planes" was making it big. It didn't sound like she was trying to have a baby, though her quote certainly would make it seem so. I think what she really meant to say was, "Oh, crap - I made a baby!" I guess if you can rock a skin tight, low cut spandex and leather shirt, you get to say whatever the hell you want.

...and that's what makes me angry!!

The TV Dramedy Dilemma: Mostly Dram Or Mostly Medy?

As I sit down and look at the shows I've been watching regularly this fall, I can't help but notice a distinct correlation between how much comedy the show includes and how much I enjoy the program. However, it's not as simple as it sounds. None of the shows below are straight-up comedies. In fact, three of the four would more often than not be described as dramas: they're all an hour long (trademark stereotype of TV drama), deal with life or death situations, and tell tales of morality, crime-solving, and familial relationships. In fact, the only difference between Weeds and the rest is its half-hour runtime. Regardless of what they may be categorized as, they're all engaging programs that utilize both drama and comedy to varying degrees. But if I were to rank them from most absorbing to least, here's what that order would be...

Weeds (Seasons 1 & 2): I'm behind on this, obviously, but as soon as I watched the Season 2 finale on Nerdflix Watch Now and realized Season 3 was unavailable to watch instantly, I ordered the whole shebang on Amazon. It's such an addictive show (hardly skimping on cliffhanger endings surely has something to do with it) that I knew I would not be able to handle getting one DVD at a time in the mail. I was always under the impression it was just a sitcom about marijuana dealers and users with small quirky plots, not the large-scale serial dramedy it really is. It's heavily anchored by the hilarious dialogue and actions between characters as mishaps abound, but at the same time shows each as emotionally fragile and completely real, never making it feel like they're doing something for the sake of a joke. Mary Louise Parker rocks at balancing between making fun of the idiots around her (who are just as well-meaning and broken as her) and dealing with her own inner turmoil as a recent widow with two sons and an illegal business to run. Really, everyone in this show is fantastic (Romany Malco, Justin Kirk, and even Kevin Nealon) and even when a sideplot goes astray and the writers drop it because they want to focus on something else, it's really not distracting, because every new plot they choose is just as suspenseful and amusing as the last one. 50% Comedy, 50% Drama.

Sons of Anarchy (Season 1): Maybe it's just because I was teaching Hamlet at the time, but I couldn't help but watch FX's new motorcycle club show and make connections. In both, the protagonist is a young man whose father recently died and has left him reeling and questioning his way of life, only made worse by the fact that the morally questionable man that replaced his father's position as head honcho (whether of the kingdom of Elsinore or the Sons of Anarchy) also marries his mother. But even Hamlet had its fair share of comedy (that one about the fishmonger is a real knee-slapper!), and so do the members of SOA. A big reason why the show works so well as a drama is in showing how deeply connected all these guys are, and numerous dark comic undertones come from both their mocking of each other and their intimidation of the average townspeople of Charming (not to mention one of their bizarre routines as an Elvis impersonator). Of course, the main goal here is documenting the transformation of a group from peaceful social rebellion to morally bankrupt crime ring, and what our lead man is going to do about it. Right now the show's veering away from its mission, but it's still entertaining and setting up the gang for some heavy inevitable climaxes. 30% Comedy, 70% Drama.

Life (Season 2): I still claim, even after its lackluster Season 1 finish, it's the most underrated show on television. This time around, the writers are incorporating even less of the frame story (detective who has served part of a life sentence for a murder he did not commit attempts to solve his own case when he is reinstated as police), but getting even better at building both Sarah Shahi and Damian Lewis's characters through deeply satisfying zen-like dialogue. Yes, it's a procedural cop show, but no other cop show that isn't The Wire that I've ever watched has ever had two lead characters so compelling, flawed, and well, funny. They're a classic odd couple that get laughs by making fun of each other, sure, but they're also genuinely likeable and clearly genuinely like each other. Thankfully they're also done doing the "I was in prison for __ years so I don't know what an automatic faucet is" thing and are now getting deeper into Detective Crews's psyche, challenging the way he deflects all of his pain into Buddhist proverbs, and making more subtle connections between this, the contained episode cases, and the larger murder case he's en route to solving as well. It's not really a mind-blowing show, but it's definitely worth the diversion and is more clever than anything on CBS. 25% Comedy, 75% Drama.

Fringe (Season 1): Joshua Effing Jackson. I never thought I would ever be saying these words, but if it weren't for the kid from Mighty Ducks and Dawson's Creek, I might not be still watching this show. The cold and distant main actress, Anna Torv, is almost unbearable, but luckily she's constantly surrounded by both the quick-tongued Jackson and a bumbling ex-mental hospital patient portrayed by John Noble, who plays the father of the brat. Their interactions might even be more interesting than the insane science mumbo jumbo that Fringe throws at us to create ridiculous plots of communicating with the dead and fetuses growing into old men in a matter of hours. My longing for a new X Files is the only reason I gave this show a chance and it does a proficient enough job of living up to that expectation, and the mysterious background story of a company's responsibility in these phenomena keeps it from being a straightforward procedural (hmmm, similar to Life). The last episode even began what might be a short serial story arc, which could turn out to be overlong and convoluted, or a perfect change of pace from the rather standard 1) here's a mystery, 2) here's how you solve it, 3) here's an obstacle, 4) oh also it has a connection to the company formula the first few eps follow. 15% Comedy, 85% Drama.

Clue: The Movie: The Ride

After re-viewing a childhood favorite, the 1985 release, Clue, this weekend (and falling asleep at 11:30pm...also a throwback to my childhood), Qualler and I began to wonder which other board games might make for good feature films. Sure, we're used to the video game turned movie phenomenon, but board games have not, so far, made the same transition. Here are some ideas that I'd like the studios to ponder. I think they could really be the newest trend in film!

Risk: The Movie
Genre: Action / Thriller
Plot Summary: Three generals take over different parts of the word, little by little, after a world-wide economic collapse leaves most nations vulnerable to invasion. The film is split between the three competing points of view, until, in the end, it comes down to a final, horrifying, 30 minute battle between the three of them.
Starring: Nicolas Cage, Shia LaBeouf, Will Smith, and Dame Judy Densch
Directed by: Ron Howard
Screenplay by: David Koepp
Tagline: "Roll the dice..."

Life: The Movie
Genre: Family / Romance / Drama
Plot Summary: A man (Matt Damon) journeys through life, picking up skills, careers, and family members along the way. Though they sometimes face adversity, they learn that the great wheel of chance can take one to unexpected places. Today a mansion, tomorrow the poor house!
Starring: Matt Damon, Hayden Panettiere, Jeff Daniels, Abigal Breslin, Matthew Broderick, and Warren Beattey.
Directed by: Robert Zemeckis
Tagline: "The greatest game of all."

Candyland: The Movie
Genre: Horror / Sci-Fi
Plot Summary: A group of college co-eds on spring break visit a mysterious candy shop in a small town on their way to Palm Beach. Unyielding to the warnings of the shop's otherwordly owner, they purchase the "forbidden gumdrops" that transport them into a horrifying nightmare that they can't escape alive. The only way to return home is to follow the candy trail, their fate determinded by the unpredictable draw of a card, to the ice cream palace. But beware the murky yet delicious molasses swamp monsters along the way!
Starring: Tara Reid, Jeremy Sisto, Eric Balfour, Raven Simone
Directed by: Uwe Boll
Screenplay by: A computer.
Tagline: "Sugar and spice and everything DEAD!"

Chutes and Ladders: The Movie
Genre: Animated Comedy
Plot Summary: A brother and sister conspire to stop their parents from getting a divorce with the help of some newfound friends--a group of energetic and clutsy yet well-meaning aliens who can transform into ladders and slides, though not always in the appropriate situation! No one wants a slide when they need a ladder! The kids learn an important lesson about life's ups and downs and taking responsibility for their actions.
Starring (the voices of): Rosie O'Donnell, Ellen Page, Michael Ian Black, Jennifer Hudson, Dennis Hopper, Hugh Grant
Directed by: Ash Brannon
Tagline: "What goes up, must come down!"

What other board games-turned-movies would make for sure-fire blockbusters?

Packaged Deal

Book publishing is a business. This is something that it sometimes takes aspiring writers years to learn, and some never do quite get it. People can get quite romantic about books, myself included. You just don't want to believe that people write or publish books for the money, especially since it's so hard to believe, publishing being the frankly less than lucrative industry that it is right now. I mean, some people get rich off it, but hardly as many as get rich off, say, film and television acting.

Still, there is such thing as a slam dunk in publishing. There are the Oprah's Book Club picks, natch, or yet another novel released by the juggernaut authors linked above (Stephen King, James Patterson, J.K. Rowling, etc.), but there are also books that capitalize off of undeserved negligible fame in the 10-25 age bracket. This is my exasperated way of saying that Lauren "LC" Conrad of The Hills fame (like, duh) recently got a three-book deal, and I'm pretty pissed about it.

I don't watch The Hills anymore, for a couple of reasons. First of all, I don't have cable (and by that I mean I don't have any television whatsoever in my home that doesn't come on a DVD from Netflix), so I can't watch it except online or at a friend's apartment, which I never do. Second of all, the show refuses to admit that these people are famous now, FOR BEING ON THE HILLS, so I find that the "reality" aspect, which has been in tatters since the very first episode, is pretty much shot to hell. And, worse, it's just boring. So whatever.

Now, John Green thinks that the series will fail, which it could, but I think it could also succeed and here's why: Gossip Girl. The A-List. The It Girl. Clique. Private. Pretty Little Liars. The Au Pairs. The Baby-Sitters Club. SWEET VALLEY HIGH.

The thing all these series have in common is this: book packaging. The way book packaging works is that it's kind of the opposite of outsourcing; a company does all the creative work (conceiving of a series/brand and finding writers who then execute content) and then sells it to a big New York house to be published under the banner of one of their imprints. Basically, book packaging houses are book factories, a chop shop where a notable name is affixed to the cover and ghostwriters are engaged on a work for hire basis. It's not always this flagrant, but when a series is called "Francine Pascal's Sweet Valley High", that's a major tip-off that the person writing those books is not Francine Pascal, or even the same person book to book.

Now, I'm not saying that this is what's happening with Lauren Conrad's books. I mean, she might write them herself--but I doubt it. This book deal is just about growing the Lauren Conrad brand, like her fashion line, which bothered me less because at least fashion was something LC (and by "LC" I mean the narrator of Laguna Beach, before she turned into this mascara-crying constantly-betrayed poseur) was interested in pursuing as an actual career, before being herself on television became her career.

The books will probably be ghostwritten, drawing off interviews with LC for material, and that will be that. They will be churned out at the speed of light and heavily marketed and could possibly morph into a franchise. That's what these books, the successful ones, do. And if this is what the girls want to read, then I guess you can't fault the publisher--or Lauren Conrad--for agreeing to fill the void.

But at what price? As John Green points out, these books could do a couple of bad things to the industry, including further devaluing YA in the eyes of those who are already skeptical, propagating the idea that YA is easy to write even a dim bulb like LC can do it, and taking up shelf space and publishing resources (like marketing dollars, already scant in New York houses as it is) better used on books that could sell for years and years because they are well-written and really speak to teens instead of exploiting our celeb-obsessed culture for a quick buck in the here and now.

Because let me tell you a secret about those packaged books from the '90s, like SVH and Baby-Sitters Club--they no longer sell, and not because the technological references are dated. The companies that own the copyrights have been updating them for a new audience, with cell phones and laptops and TIVO. And guess what? Nobody cares. The books aren't selling. And in a couple of years, after the TV show is canceled, nobody will care about the Gossip Girl books and their ilk, either.

I find it hard to put my finger on just what bothers me about Lauren Conrad's book deal specifically, and book packaging in general. Technically, there's nothing wrong with it. But in reality, there's so much wrong with it. Like with most art, authenticity is the keystone of literature (and by that I mean all books, regardless of so-called "literary" merits, which can be debated from now until eternity and doesn't really matter in this context), that all-important attribute that, by its sheer presence, keeps a book from crumbling to pieces. And books written with the sheer goal of making a profit--basically, books without heart--often lack authenticity, which I would say, at the risk of sounding melodramatic, is what makes them dangerous. What do they contribute? To whose heart do they speak?

Here's where I will insert the caveat that not all novels that come from a book packager lack authenticity and heart (I know this to be a fact--the Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants novels have their origins at a book packager, and frankly I think they're great), and perhaps LC has always secretly dreamed of being a novelist and now that dream is coming true. It's hard to know, in any case, the motives that drive a person to put pen to paper, or, I guess, fingertips to keyboard.

But I still balk every time I hear that a celebrity is "writing" a book, in the same way that I balked the time I overheard a teenage girl exclaim, "This is my favorite book!" over an installment of the Gossip Girl series. I wanted to take that girl's hand, lead her through the YA section, and drop book after wonderful book into her hands. "Read these," I wanted to say. "Listen to what these authors are trying to say to you instead of what those books are trying to sell you."