Stars: They're Nothing Like Us: (The While You Were Stuffing Your Face During the Super Bowl Edition)

The Super Bowl. Perhaps the most-watched annual sporting event in the country. Everyone has their own little Super Bowl traditions -- mostly involving boatloads of junk food and booze. Now we Minnesotans are a little soured on the Super Bowl this year. Brett Favre was supposed to be our saving grace after decades of being almost good enough. In fact, according to Wikipedia, the Vikings have the most NFC or AFC Championship game appearances (9) without a Super Bowl title. And the tradition continues. So perhaps that is why I did not end up getting invited to any Super Bowl parties this year -- perhaps everyone preferred to just watch the game and get sulky-drunk at home in their underwear. Normally I do a best-of Ad It Up after the big game, but because there were no Super Bowl parties, I did not even end up watching it. The only thing I did catch was the very embarrassing half-time show featuring washed up rockers lip syncing to their own songs. Since my Super Bowl experience was less than stellar this year, I must live vicariously through others (and by "others," I really mean famous people that I don't know who have lifestyles that I'll never experience).

So, what were stars doing at the Super Bowl this year?

Kendra Wilkinson Was Crying Her Eyes Out:

Rumors that The Girl Next Door (former Hugh Hefner girlfriend striking out on her own) reality star was upset that her husband botched the big game sprung up after this picture leaked out. She swears on Twitter that she wasn't crying about the game but that the paparazzi wouldn't leave her alone.

Kim Kardashian Was Rubbing it in Kendra's Face:

Unlike Kendra Wilkinson, Kim Kardashian picked the right team player to date. Her BF was a superstar in the game and Kim even got to hang out on the field with him afterward.

Brangelina were PDA-ing:

EEEEEEEWWWWWW.....wait a minute -- kinda hot! Or are they just putting on a show to cover up all those rumors of them splitting up? If you look really closely, you can see the sly look on Brad's face, eyes half open and kind of smiling as if to say, "check this out, paparazzi!" And Angelina looks a bit uncomfortable, not really sure where to put her hand as she pretend to make out with Brad. But maybe I'm reading too much into it.

The Who Were Hoping That Their Light Show Would be Cool Enough That "the Kids" Wouldn't Notice How Old They Are:



And there's more...



Finally...

Heidi Montag Was STILL Desperately Trying to Get People to Pay Attention to Her:

Heidi Montag got a ton of plastic surgery recently and is CONSTANTLY dealing with it. First we had to hear about how she made this decision because she is either addicted to plastic surgery or she's making some sort of feminist statement about how her husband can't control her plastic surgery habits or something to that effect. Now, go figure, she's discovering that having bigger boobs and higher cheekbones doesn't really make her more happy. I just don't understand why this has to be the entire world's problem. If you want to cling to your fame, fine. But don't unnecessarily vicitmize yourself! Sigh. Only Heidi Montag would attempt to upstage the Super Bowl!

Ad It Up: Snack Attack

What is chewy and shriveled, loved by the elderly, and may or may not be the secret ingredient in Dr. Pepper?

Give up?

PRUNES! Of course.

Yes, prunes are the magical wrinkly fruit that have been keeping old people regular for decades...so you may ask what they have to do with pop culture. Well, it seems that the prune industry is facing a bit of a problem. Unlike the very forward-thinking raisin industry, prune retailers never really came up with a catchy gimmick to keep the young people interested in their product. Both raisins and prunes act similarly as laxatives and sources of fiber, but prunes have complacently stood by their reputation for easing poops as their younger, hipper cousins captured the Rock and Roll generation, forming the only known all-dried fruit band to date:



So how does the prune industry bounce back from their pigeon-holed reputation of being ambrosia for constipated grandmas? Clearly the problem is with the packaging. I can't even count the number of times I've said to myself, "Gee, I could really go for a prune right now but there are just too many in a package. Only old people shop in bulk. I would totally eat prunes all the time if only they were individually wrapped!" And the prune industry heard my plea...

Announcing individually wrapped prunes! Or "Sunsweet Ones," if you'd prefer. They kinda look like a dark-colored condom with "Sunsweet" where I would expect to read "Trojan," but they come in a canister instead of a bag, which is way more appealing to the youth. Plus, all that extra plastic being unnecessarily used for something that I'd probably eat multiples of anyway makes me feel like I'm getting some kind of special treatment in every bite. The best part is, a serving of prunes is actually four prunes:
So really, individually wrapping them makes so very little sense. Even the ad campaign is weak. You are never going to be cool, prunes!! Wake up and smell the coffee.



If prunes want to reinvent themselves, that's fine. But I guess I just don't get what is supposed to be more appealing about single-packaged prunes. Dried fruit will always be a tough sell, but at least try to make it look cool. Do I want a snack that tastes good or one that sings to me and makes the other snacks scared to death? That's definitely a toss-up. But do I want a snack that tastes good or one that is really good for my digestive system and conveniently packaged in singles? Meh...

Ad it Up: The Not-So-Super Bowls

Sunday was a sad, sad day in Minnesota. For the first time in a long time, we Minnesotans actually thought we had a chance at making it to the Super Bowl. Alas, in overtime we lost the most important game of the season. But the game was not the only sad thing about Sunday, at least for me. Sunday was also the day I discovered the newest horrifying fast-food invention -- the concoction listed #1 below. In light of my new discovery and the upcoming Super Bowl, (a.k.a. the day of highest junk food consumption), I thought it was high time to take a look at the worst ideas in the fast-food industry. Here are five of the most disgusting fast food inventions that have crossed my path:

5) McDonald's McGriddle

The McGriddle is one of those products that looks so right on TV and on billboards. You just drool and think, "where have you been all my life?!" You dream about them in your sleep and curse yourself every day that you didn't wake up in time for McDonald's breakfast. Even after you try one and realize that syrup-infused pancakes don't make very good sandwhich ends because they get soggy both from the inside (from the syrup) and the outside (from the sausage grease), you still long for one. And when you realize that the perfect breakfast trifecta of maple syrup, egg, and sausage somehow does not taste that good together in this sandwich, you won't care the next day. You may leave completely unsatisfied every time you try one, but you will still want it. That, blogulettes, is the McGriddle.

4) KFC Famous Bowls

If I wanted all of my food mashed together in one big bowl, I would either dine with toddlers or my grandmother. I'm not quite at that point yet. Just because things go well together on the same plate, does not mean that you can just pile them on top of each other and call it a dish. That, my friend, is exactly what the KFC Bowls are. A big amalgamation of pretty much everything on the KFC menu. They only serve like 5 different things so I suppose it makes it pretty tough to come up with different combinations or ways to prepare chicken, potatoes, biscuits, and corn. Still, that is no excuse for this abomination.

3) Wendy's Triple Baconator

I like hamburgers. I like bacon. I love cheese. I'm not even a huge proponent of "moderation" when it comes to the fatty goodnesses that I love. But in the Wendy's Triple Baconator, I think I may have discovered my limits. More is not always better, much less if it's a leaning tower of meat. I'm not even sure how one fits that into one's mouth or how one's heart does not explode upon finishing one's weight in beef.

2) Dairy Queen's Pumpkin Pie Blizzard

Yes, I know. It does sound like a good idea. Plus, how can sweets go wrong? It's just a bunch of sugar and milk anyway, right? But in reality, pumpkin pie -- not that great blended up and frozen. Actually, pretty disgusting in Blizzard form. My dreams were shattered on this one when DQ featured it as the Blizzard of the month for the first time several years ago. I, being extremely susceptible to the power of advertising - especially when there are pictures of food - jumped at the opportunity to try out what I believed would be a sort of pumpkin pie-flavored cookie dough ice cream. After my first bite of rock-hard pie crust with mild hints of pumpkin-minus-the-pie flavor, I realized that it had been too good to be true.

1) McDonald's Big Mac Snack Wraps

It's the latest, and perhaps most saddening, addition to the McMenu. Either some kids got high on their late night shift in the McDonald's kitchen and slapped together some munchies out of that day's leftovers or it happened to be "take a recent divorcee to work day." Those are pretty much the only two circumstances in which I can figure an idea like this comes to fruition. Not only does the idea of a half all-beef patty with special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles, onions, inside a tortilla gross me out, it totally messes up the song! But in all seriousness, according to this guy's blog, this is what the inside of a real Snack Mac looks like:

Bon appetit!

Stars: They're Nothing Like Us (Big Brother is Watching)

Now that we are past our 2009 nostalgia, The Blogulator is ready to put the old year to bed and start focusing on 2010. For the first truly 2010 post, I am going to bring out the conspiracy theorist in you. So put on your tin foil hat and enjoy the ride!

You know how you do things when you think you're alone that you'd never do if you knew people were watching? Like cook dinner naked or fart really loudly...

...or take a bath outside on your front lawn? Observe below:

The first big lesson that we have to learn from celebrities in 2010 is that Big Brother really IS always watching. And I don't mean that crappy reality TV show (that surprisingly lasted 12 seasons - just in the U.S.!) that no one has watched since the first episode. What I mean is that someone really is watching you and your home at all times. Someone knows when you shovel your driveway or paint your house. Someone knows when you have company over and where you park your car at night. Via satellite technology, someone has constant surveillance on you. And that someone's name is Google.

The man in the picture above, Flaming Lips member Wayne Coyne, probably thought it would be a great time to bathe outside -- no one around but that creep who looks like he's strolling by just a little too close to the tub -- but Mr. Coyne underestimated the omnipresent Google Maps Street View. Google Maps' "street view" function did seem like a very novel idea when it first came out, and slowly but surely we are all surrendering our lives and pledging allegiance to the Google Corporation. For now it's watching our homes from outer space, but what's next? Google Maps Pedestrian View? Google Maps Home Interior View? Google Homes Bedroom View?! Ah! But then again, its usability and convenience and groundbreaking new functions are sooooo worth my lousy personal freedom!

Top 10 Celebrity News Items of 2009

10. Tiger Woods is a Big Fat Cheater

Yes, we were all shocked late in 2009 that squeaky clean pro-golfer, Tiger Woods, turned out to be a cheater. Not at golf - but at the game of love. Pretty much every day throughout the month of December, there was another of Tiger's mistresses falling out of the woodwork. How many are there? Who can really keep track? But at some point, if you are in the double digits for mistresses, you gotta be counting on a fallout somewhere along the line. If I've learned anything from the show Big Love, it's that the more women you've got the harder it is to please them all.

9. World's Most Annoying Couple Formed

I definitely figured this story from early 2009 would dominate the headlines for the whole year, but actually after a little teasing game of "did it really happen?", Heidi and Spencer finally made their union official and kind of left us alone. I had pegged this marriage as a sham built upon two shallow people who desperately wanted the attention that came with their relationship, but I am relieved that marriage actually kind of shut them up.

8. Uggo's Got Talent

Not all celeb news this year was about the beautiful, tan, thin people who live in Hollyweird. 2009 brought fame to a whole new, far less shallow level. This year, we learned that even ugly people can have talent. In fact, the #1 album on the Billboard charts for the last 5 weeks of 2009 came from this woman, who was discovered on a British reality show...

7. R.I.P. Oprah

No, Oprah is not dead. You did not miss that headline this year. But she might as well be dead to me. Oprah announced this year that she will end her daytime talk show after 2011. How will we go on after that?

6. *Spoiler alert* Kanye's a Jerk

If there was anything more publicly mocked this year than the Tiger Woods sex scandal, it was definitely Kanye West's embarrassing candy-from-a-baby moment at this year's VMAs. Despite multiple past attempts by the artist to ruin awards shows, no one saw this one coming. Even Beyonce, the object of his affection, was on Taylor Swift's side after Kanye jerked the microphone away during her acceptance speech.

5. "Octomom" [noun] - an attention whore who very publicly gives birth to octuplets

Was it a fertility drug accident? Did she do is intentionally to get a reality show? Should we pity her because she has no money or should we hate her for being irresponsible? Was the doctor negligent? All of these questions have been on the forefront of the American public's mind for the past year, all of them trying to make heads or tails of why a single mother of 6 would want to add 8 more to the pack. But what's more is that Octomom has been voted #1 worst neighbor in America.

4. Letterman Actually Offends People

I didn't think that Letterman's grandma-approved vanilla comedy could actually offend someone, but where there's a will, there's a way. That way is through self-proclaimed victim/politician, Sarah Palin, who blasted Letterman for making jokes about A-Rod knocking up her daughter. And how did Palin respond to Letterman's apology? By being about this big about it and rejecting his mea culpa.

3. Kate (Plus 8) - Jon = Messy Divorce

You know that feeling when your eyes are too big for your stomach and as you are eating you start to feel sick? Well, I think that's how Jon and Kate now feel about their fame. The former reality TV couple went through a very messy and very public separation this year. Considering we spent the whole year discussing this news piece, I have a feeling there will be some spillage over into 2010 on this one.

2. Jessica Simpson Has Bad Year

Poor poor Jessica Simpson. Not only did she have waxy ears necessitating extreme cleaning measures this year, she got dumped by boyfriend, Tony Romo and made a very poor fashion choice that highlighted her weight gain. But it gets worse...the cruel people of this world who get off on tormenting Jessica Simpson have been keeping the very faint candle of hope that her maltipoo puppy, who was carried off by a coyote in September, is still alive.

1. R.I.P. MJ

And the number one celebrity news item of 2009 is, of course, the death of Michael Jackson, King of Pop and all-around creepy man. We will all remember where we were when we heard the news that MJ was gone. I was in class. Someone got a message about it. I quickly confirmed the information with Qualler via text. Class was not canceled, but I felt that it should have been. May he rest in peace, and may 2010 bring many screenings of This Is It.

Angry Amy on Racism

You know what makes me angry?!! All of these new-fangled ways to be racist! You think you've figured out how to be PC and then, bam! you're really a racist. Let's take, for example, one of the most benign categories of American culture -- knick knacks, kitsch, and useless household items. Never in a million years would I think that eye-pokingly annoying product, Chia Pets, would ever cause a controversy. They've been making Chia-everything from animals to cat nip to cartoon characters for over two decades now. They even came out with a Chia Obama:



And herein lies the problem. Apparently, the Chia Obama is a little bit racist - not only are some people figuring it's offensive, but they also have the ear of popular Chia-retailer, Walgreens. Walgreens decided to pull the product from its shelves, leaving everyone wondering what went wrong. Well, here to help you with all of your racism needs is Angry Amy!

Here are the Top 3 Reasons Why the Obama Chia Might be Racist:

1) The "Afro"



I had no idea until watching this CNN report that white people should always say the word, "Afro," in a hushed voice to as to signal to others that they are aware the word is racist - maybe? - but they have no other word to describe what they are talking about. Now it makes a bit more sense why Barack Obama's "Chiafro" is quite offensive.

2) One word: Baracksploitation

What exactly is "Baracksploitation?" Let's let The Today Show explain:



I can only assume the term "Baracksploitation" is a take on "blaxploitation," a film and TV genre that exploited black popular culture and stereotyped people. I can definitely see, then, how a Barack Obama Chia pet is the very definition of exploitation, as it is a well known fact that the Chia Pet is an integral part of black culture. Yep, if there's anything symbolic of black pop culture, it's definitely Chia Pets. Plus, there are all of those negative stereotypes about black people looking like our photosynthetic relatives that I am shocked they would even think to turn our president into a plant himself. This is definitely racist.

3) Is Happy Obama Chia High?

You can get your Obama Chia in two different models. There is the stern, determined "Yes, We Can" Chia that appears in most of the ads, but then there is also the lighter, more mellow side to Chia Obama:



But since Obama already admitted to inhaling, this shouldn't come as a shock to anyone.

So, what do you think, blogureaders? Is Chia Obama racist?

Ad It Up: Building a Sexy/ist Campain (A Case Study)

What do you do when you have a pointless product and a buttload of airtime in which to advertise it? If we texted this question to 542 542, (the number for the ridiculous Rube Goldberg-esque alternative to Google Searches), we'd discover that the answer is quite simple: brazenly sexist sex appeal. Sex sells, so it can only be assumed that sexism sell too, right? And the bolder and more offensive you get, the more you'll sell. So how do you know if you're being sexy or sexist enough? Let's do a case study using the very text messaging service we used to answer our original question...



Here, they started out a bit timid. Just setting a base level of annoyance for the viewer, who is probably scoffing while finding the answer to the "brain lock" question on his/her iPhone before the punchline is even delivered -- that is, if he cares enough about the something something baseball whatever. Doesn't matter. Now that they've set the tone for the campaign, it's time to test the waters:



Here, you can see the annoyance level pumped up to about a Fran Drescher (about 60%) on the annoyance scale, which ranges from Paul Newman on the low end to Perez Hilton on the high end. I don't quite get why the KGB team spends their drive asking each other pointless questions that don't even demonstrate the text messaging service's product other than to set up a terrible joke that even a first-grader wouldn't find funny -- unless KGB is really that good that it is going to be able to tell me what that hunk of rotting garbage is that just flew onto my windshield while I was speeding down a random alleyway on garbage day. Can they?! I don't think so. Then there are the girls sunbathing by the pool, who in no way look like they were even wondering about a daiquiri mix nor are they too eager to put KGB's recipe to use. They are pretty much just there to be gawked at. But wait, it gets sexier...



Even though they practically needed a mop for all the gawker drool, that last commercial must not have been sexy enough. Women sunbathing in bikinis is kind of sexy, but it's nothing compared to loose women in uniform who are just looking for excuses to take their clothes off. Like egging on an argument between two strangers. Plus, nothing's funnier than a guy in tight women's clothing. Am I right? Finally...



Oh, oh, tricked ya! You thought he was groping a real woman in the opening shot! It was just a mannequin. He'd never blatantly sexually harass women like that. You see, this silly, inattentive man is diligently shopping for an outfit for his girlfriend who lost every piece of clothing she owned in a big house fire, which prevented him from simply looking at the tags in her bras to figure out what size she is. Good thing he's got KGB to help him figure out the best way to judge a woman's chest. Not only will this skill help him replace his girlfriend's wardrobe, it will be an excellent ice breaker at the office.

And that's how you build a great sex(y)/ist ad campaign!

Wannabe Stars: They're Nothing Like Us

Oh, the things people will do to get on TV! As the resident celebrity blogger here at The Blogulator, I have remained pretty silent on two very important - we'll call them "incidents" - that have gone down recently that now I believe may be the marker of a new incarnation of fame-chasing. I am, of course, talking about the "Balloon Boy" hoax and the "White House Crashers" security breach. And though it has yet to be proven that the White House party crashers were indeed uninvited guests of the state dinner, both incidents are surrounded by speculation and accusations of intentionally breaking the law in order to get famous.

Is this the new way to get on TV? First, people had to pack up their lives and move out to Hollywood hoping to get their big break on the big screen. After the invention of reality TV, we poor nameless saps were injected with the notion that maybe everyone can have their 15 minutes. Then, with the coming of reality TV celebrities like Heidi and Spencer, those same poor nameless saps got it into their heads that they too can be uber-famous for doing nothing. All they need is the opportunity to get on TV and do something crazy, like wear a bikini for an American Idol audition or be a giant bee-atch to Donald Trump, and they'll go down in history.

So I guess it makes sense that now we're seeing desperate attempts by ordinary crazies to get their own reality television series, and even worse than that, the media is rewarding them for it. Here are the White House crashers on The Today Show:



I'm sure it is very "devastating" and "unbearable" for a couple of attention whores to have the entire country talking about their celebrity encounters and offering them interviews on one of the most viewed morning talk shows! What's even worse was the ridiculously boring 20+ minute interview of the "Balloon Boy" family on Larry King Live that Larry King obviously didn't even want to be present for:



The kid just admitted it was all a hoax and Wolf Blitzer didn't even flinch! No follow-up questions, nothing! And that's why you don't send Wolf Blitzer to do your interviews, no matter how boring and pointless you may think they're going to be. Maybe this all just goes to show that people will continue to be complete and utterly irresponsible a-holes to get what they want and we'll continue to give it to them. Sure, they may go to jail or have to pay a fine. But everyone will know their names -- or at least their headline names.

Stars: They're Nothing Like Us (The Top 5 Voids Left By Oprah)

Like most of the country, last week I was in shock over the news that Oprah Winfrey decided to hang up her daytime TV mogul hat. For many people, this was the disappointment heard 'round the world since Oprah has been so influential in American culture.

By now, most of the conversation has turned to who will replace the woman who has who has told us what to read, who to like, and what to believe in 2011 when the show comes to its conclusion. I think we can all agree that Oprah's got some pretty big shoes and it would be difficult for one person to fill them. That's why I've determined 5 specific areas that we're going to need help with in a post-Oprah world and I've identified 5 potential replacements for her. Here are the five questions that are now keeping Oprah fans up at night...

1) Who is going to tell me what to read?

What better book club is out there than Oprah's? You get to discover inspiring books before everyone else; you can skip all the pretentious discussion groups; and Oprah is never going to call you out if you just skim the Cliff Notes or only look at the pictures! But in Oprah's absence I'd like the nominate recent Oprah guest Sarah Palin, who spent a good portion of her interview proving that she does, in fact, read. Plus, as a maverick, you know she'll 'go rogue' with her book selections.



2) Whose weight is going to yo-yo on national television, thereby showing women everywhere that they have inner beauty?

Oprah might be best known for her very public struggles with her weight, and I think there are a lot of women that I could recommend as the new role model in this area. But the Kirstie Alleys and Rosie O'Donnells or the world are lacking one thing that this next nominee has a lot of...unrelenting narcissism! I'm talking about Tyra Banks, of course. I just really don't think we're going to get anyone as gracious about her struggles with her body as Oprah, so I think the best strategy is to go with someone who is just not afraid to tell it how it is.

Tyra Banks already does so much to show us that no matter what we look like -- whether we're under 5'9" or if we're a pudgy size 6 -- we can all be models. You just have to overcome all of the obstacles that Tyra had to. Maybe she's a bit angrier than Oprah but she is building a healthy empire and she's not afraid to blindly ignore the hypocrisy of her own actions.



3) Who will create shocking Broadway musicals that will test our beliefs and push the boundaries on discrimination?

Oprah's huge success with The Color Purple is hard to deny. Finding someone to step up to the plate on this one kind of sounds like the next step for Tyra Banks, actually. But since I don't really see Broadway agreeing to let Tyra play every role, I'm going to nominate Adam Lambert. After his AMAs performance, I really think he's the one to finally bring gay S&M discrimination to the forefront of the equal rights movement.



4) Who will tell me who to vote for for president?

According to Wikipedia, Oprah has been credited with delivering over a million votes for Barack Obama in the 2008 Democratic primary. Being the most influential woman in America, I sincerely doubt that any other person besides Oprah could pull off something like that. But I think that it's just important to have a politically-minded person fill that role, so I'd like to nominate former America's Next Top Model winner, Saleisha. Now that the thought has crossed her mind to vote, I'm sure this Cover Girl and 2008 first-time voter will not only keep up on her politics but actively support her candidates.



5) Who is going to give away cars and other fancy prizes to audience members?

Octomom -- only she'll be giving away kids instead of cars. Yeah, the present is half the fun and twice the responsibility, but she's got an overabundance of babies and a great fertility doctor so she'll be a consistent supplier of door prizes. And she's been begging for TV time, so it's a perfect fit.



Oprah will be missed, but if all these celebrities do their part and use their newly found talents to fill in the gaps then America will be alright.

Ad It Up: The Price of Beauty

I love home shopping. Infomercials, As Seen on TV, all of it! Because for the most part, it is all completely useless junk and either looks totally homemade or really dissimilar to what you'd think it should look like. For example, this product here on the left -- looks like it should be a dirty sex toy of some kind, right? Well it's not, you perv! It's a very important new beauty product that will be the arch-nemesis of double chins, turkey necks, and giggly jowls everywhere. Guaranteed to make you look younger in two weeks! When I first saw this infomercial, I couldn't help but laugh at how ridiculous this neck pump looks. Here's how it works:

Only $19.99! What a good deal. And it comes with a travel bag (because you definitely won't be too embarrassed to have airport security find an ambiguous pump inside your carry-on) and a training DVD (because it's important to have a choreographed routine for your two minute face flab workout). I'm convinced.

I also love that it takes infomercials soooo much longer than the average new gadget/gizmo commercial to explain why I ought to buy something that in theory should address a need or annoyance that I've just accepted as part of life. This one took a full two minutes to tell me that jowls are ugly. Duh. (iPod commercials take just 30 seconds to show me that I need them to express my individuality, but I'm usually convinced in under 10.) My theory is that infomercials are simply too honest about the sell. They always try to convince you by showing what your life is like with and without the product so you can feel like you are thoroughly weighing your options. Do you want to be ugly or do you want to have a slim neckline? Need proof? How about these before and after pictures? Now this method, I think, is particularly effective with old people because they never think they waste money on useless stuff, so you have to make them think that the product is necessary. But how often do you actually see these products in action besides in the infomercial? That's why I love The Tonight Show segment "Andy'll Try It." Last week, Andy actually tried out the Neckline Slimmer:



Surprisingly, it looks just a ridiculous in 'real life' as it does on the commercial. Granted, everything looks silly when done by Andy Richter. But still.

Angry Amy on How Being a Giant Tease Really Does Keep People Interested

If anything should be a barometer for your relevance as a musician/as a person, it should definitely be that #1 Billboard hit you wrote back in the '70s. But for some people it's just not good enough to have a very popular song which everyone will recognize for decades to come. No, those people want more. They want everyone to not only recognize their song forever, but to have people want to talk to them forever too. If you want to remain wanted for a long time you have to give the people a reason to talk to you. And what better way than to unnecessarily keep a secret that everyone wants to know for so long that hopefully a new generation of people are losing sleep over it?! So those musicians feign letting their art speak for itself while continuing to coyly solicit interviews about their song.

Yes, I AM talking about you, Carly Simon!


Does anyone still alive even care about who the subject of "You're so Vain" is? Cuz it's becoming increasingly obvious to this blogger that interest is fading - and fast - or Ms. Simon wouldn't be upping the stakes of her coquettish game of "guess who." Last week, Carly Simon went on WNYC's music talk show Soundcheck only to dangle another clue like a carrot hanging over the head of a well-fed, contented, sleeping horse. This time, she embedded the name "David" backwards into a new recording of the song because that's totally what the kids spend their time doing these days - listening to records backward so our parents won't find out what's really in that rock and roll music we listen to!

I must admit, this Angry Amy episode has been festering since 2003, when Simon auctioned off the piece of useless information for $50,000 at a charity auction (which I always thought was an ironically vain move). Then in 2004, she told Regis Philbin that she planned on letting it out in "dribs and drabs," giving out an "A," "E," and "R" (according to Wikipedia). Here's Simon flirting like a schoolgirl about the song with Ellen in 2008...


When will this stop?!?!?!? Please , for the love of all that is holy - Carly Simon, sh** or get off the pot. And that's what makes me angry!

Angry Amy Wants to Know What Happened to Her High School Crush

It's one thing when your high school celebrity musician crush starts sucking and you can't respect his art anymore. It's another thing when you've lost track of him for years and suddenly he resurfaces with something else to embarrass you. Take Weezer, for example. I knew that their 2005 Make Believe release was the beginning of a slippery slope into suckdom, but I never would have guessed that four years later I'd be hearing their song uncomfortably blended with dentist office music.

Here is a video of my beloved Rivers Cuomo sharing the stage with the King of Easy Listening -- the one and only Kenny G:



If you look closely, I think you can actually see the bands' dignity shrink as Mr. G creeps onto the stage and gives them a Smurf-like smirk as he injects their poppy jam with his smooth jazz. I don't know if that's more awkward or if it's Rivers' alternation between shoe gazing and power guitar stance. Or maybe it's showing off his midriff as he rocks out. I don't know, but I don't like it.

Angry Amy Watches Sunday Night TV

You know what makes me angry?!! Home video clip shows!! I hated America's Funniest Home Videos. I hated it the second time when it was called The World's Funniest Moments and Bob Saget transformed into Arsenio Hall. I have hated every new spin on the video clip show idea, and I hate it even more now that it's been given an extreme name and some hip young hosts.



As this very nondescript video clip is trying to say, The CW has launched a new Sunday evening show consisting of a bunch of "friends" sitting around a television supposedly playing home video clips for one another. (I think we, the viewers, are supposed to be the sixth friend -- the one who sits up real close to the TV, completely unaware of his surroundings and can't see the other people in the room). The episode I stumbled up on Sunday evening was just a "real or fake?" episode in which each of the "friends" played a clip for the others and everyone had to guess if it was real or fake. Very inventive, CW. You can check out some other episodes for yourself here.

Here is how the CW describes their resurrection of this old idea: "A cadre of energetic video jockeys takes online videos submitted by viewers around the world and adds their own humorous spin." What the hell is a "video jockey?!!" I have never heard that term before ever. Next time I invite my friends over for a move - strike that - next time I even work the remote at someone else's house, I'm going to call myself a "video jockey." Cuz, I'm pretty sure this show makes that okay.

What is NOT okay, though, is this...



These are two of the hosts of Smash Cuts. As if it weren't enough to have two Lonely Island Boys wanna-bes hosting, the network decided to pay FIVE hosts to play a video clips for the 10 people (approximately) who are actually watching The CW on a Sunday night.

So, in summary: pointless show, gimmicky style, and obnoxious hosts = NO! And THAT'S what makes me angry!

Ad It Up: Customize Your Oedipal Fantasy

I just saw the creepiest Kleenex commercial and had to share with everyone. If you are an adult male who is still totally into being coddled by your mother, or maybe never got enough attention from her, then Kleenex has the right service for you. Now the tissue monopoly can not only wipe away those painful tears of inadequacy, it can help you get your mommy fix too with its "Kleenex Virtual Moms."



What exactly is the service, here? Cuz "get mommed" kind of makes me think that it's like virtual porn. You know -- your mom jokes and all. If you are wondering what you will find at getmommed.com, click on the link and check it out for yourself. You can talk to several virtual moms who move and demand things of you while you search the site. Then you can choose your new mom (you can choose a hot mom, an overly attentive mom, or a 1950's-always-gonna-have-dinner-on-the-table-but-a-little-too-nervous-to-talk-to-you-about-girls mom, just to name a few). Or you can take the quiz to find out which type of mom fills that empty void inside that your own mother left when she destroyed your self-esteem. Then, you and your new mom can run away together - at least that's the impression I got. I opted not to give them my personal information so I never got to see how Magnolia would work out for me.

Ad it Up: The Douchiest

How do you go from unemployed high school drop out in the middle of nowhere to national sex symbol? Apparently, all you have to do is knock up the underage daughter of a completely unqualified but stubbornly self-righteous and preachy politician trying to break on to the national scene. Then, after it's too late for her to get an abortion, break up with said daughter and bitch to the media about how hard you've got it while leaving her to raise the baby on her own. Oh, and make sure to tell them what a bitch your ex-girlfriend's mother is!

After that, the sponsorships with come to you. Take Levi Johnston, ex-bf of Sarah Palin's daughter Bristol, for example. Not only was he featured in GQ and Vanity Fair this year, but now he's beefing up for a spread in Playgirl and making money off of double-entendres about unprotected teenage sex...



Wow! "Now Levi Johnston does it with protection?"!!! I must have heard the wrong schpiel about the birds and the bees. Cuz I had no idea that eating pistachios without a big, burly security guard next to you could result in unwanted underage pregnancy.

But seriously, I can't really think of anything more douchey than using your teenage girlfriend's unwanted pregnancy to launch your career as a famous....err, famous something. The good news is I can't imagine that this is going to translate into a real career. Maybe a few interviews and photo shoots, but it will probably blow over. But then again, Hollyweird always surprises you.

Stars: They're Nothing Like Us (The Ga Ga for Science Edition)

Here's a possible recent conversation between Lady GaGa and her stylist...

L.G. -- Hey super crazy stylist who may or may not be smoking meth when you make my costumes! I was just asked to perform on SNL this Saturday and I need a new outfit.

Stylist -- Wow, that's great. Let's see, you've already been a fake-baked Pikachu, a bloody tampon, slutty Little Red Riding Hood, a cheetah in a tiger-skin Slanket, a sexy stalker librarian, and a dominatrix hockey player. What else is there?

L.G. -- Plus, I've been a crow in a neck brace, Princess Leia up to her buns in crochette projects, and Courtney Love. I'm totally out of ideas.

Sylist -- Well, let's think. What really screams Saturday Night Live? Sat-ur-day. Satur-n-day. Saturn. Outerspace. Science! Let's do science something or other.

L.G. -- Hmmm...science? Will I still get to go pants-less? Because otherwise my grandma won't be able to see me.

Sylist -- We'll find a way...



As it turns out, science and fashion are a little awkward together. You would think that they'd make the gyroscope big enough to go around her head instead of smacking her in the forehead. It was especially hilarious when she couldn't sit down at the piano. Take that, Lady GaGa! That's what you get for needing to be eccentric for eccentricity's sake. Maybe next time you'll try a pair of jeans.

Ad It Up: Guilty Pleasures Edition

I've been kind of laid back in my television commercial watching lately. It's not that I haven't noticed any new ads, it's more like I hadn't noticed that I was noticing them. Maybe it's just that most of the stuff I get to watch is on Qualler and Brigitte's DVR, which has this delightful feature that allows us to completely bypass anyone trying to sell us on anything, so when I'm at home I kind of zone out at commercial break time. So this past weekend, when we forgot to press the skip ahead button on the remote as we were wasting an entire day and a half in front of the boob tube, someone commented on how much they hate the new iPod commercial. Until that point I hadn't realized that a) I totally LOVE the new iPod commercial and b) I feel a little bit dirty for loving the new iPod commercial.



Now, I would like to think that in my mid-late 20's I am above the influence of peer pressure enough to be able to form my own opinions and stand by them, so I spent some time pondering what exactly makes me feel so icky about liking this commercial. Then, I had an epiphany -- sort of. This advertisement is essentially the video equivalent of all of those inspiration posters that were/are so popular among high school classrooms and corporate business offices everywhere. Posters such as...
...that encourage you to stick out in the crowd instead of just blindly following the trend (like buying fancy iPods). Only, Apple knows that you can't just tell someone in their demographic to be different because we've been hearing how special and individualistic we are since grade school. You also have to latch on to some kind of subculture to show that you can be yourself and still be cool. Like music, for example. Or skateboarding...

But all this inspirational BS is a total sham. If it was really okay to just be yourself, they would show a nerd doing a chemistry project for fun or have us admire that kid who wore sweatpants to school every day until the 8th grade. (Editor's Note: Ha! That was my best friend, The Drax!) I bet he was really comfortable! Slapping that kind of skewed definition of individuality onto a poster for kids is one thing, but in a television commercial it's just gross. I guess maybe what bothers me most about the iPod commercial is that it is inspiring me to pursue my individuality while simultaneously trying to mass-market to me -- and it's working! The bright colors, the hip people, the catchy music, the fun they're having! Good work, Apple, good work.

Presidents: They're Nothing Like Us

Does anyone remember The Animaniacs? Yes? Remember that segment they had called "Good Idea, Bad Idea?" If not, hopefully this will jog your memory:



Now that we're all on the same page, I'd like to try applying this whole "good idea, bad idea" concept to 1990's politics in light of an article I read this week. According to USA Today, there is a new book coming out about Bill Clinton's presidency based on a whole bunch of secret interviews he was giving during his time in office. (I know, I know, the obvious joke is 'that wasn't the only thing he was giving while in office'). Anyway, the book is called The Clinton Tapes: Wrestling History With the President and is based on the author's memory of the interviews he conducted that were so secret that Clinton wouldn't let him keep the tapes, but Billy Boy reportedly housed them in his sock drawer. So in the spirit of The Animaniacs, let's try a few "good idea, bad ideas" --

Good Idea: Keeping your secrets hidden.

Bad Idea: Keeping your secrets hidden in your sock drawer.

Maybe I'm the only one whose mind is going in this direction, but Bill Clinton gave 79 secret interviews during his presidency. Wouldn't that have to be an awfully big sock drawer to house them all? Also, at the point where you get your "secret interviews" transcribed, doesn't that kind of make them more vulnerable to becoming published? I mean, I am assuming Bill did not spend his evenings staying up till all hours of the night transcribing the things himself. Not to mention the fact that once you bring in a reporter, you gotta figure he's going to remember some of what you tell him. Their minds are like steel traps! We do have to give Clinton a break, though. This was the pre-I-made-a-sex-tape-and-never-thought-it-would-get-out-but-oops-someone-stole-it-and-posted-it-on-the-internet-or-sold-it-as-an-adult-video era. Perhaps he was just too naive to realize that you really shouldn't record all of your secrets and assume they'll never get out.

Ok, let's try another one...

Good Idea: Sending Boris Yeltsin to a diplomatic meeting at the White House

Bad Idea: Sending Boris Yeltsin out for pizza in his knickers after partying at the White House.

According to the article, part of Bill Clinton's interviews discuss what a hilarious drunk Boris Yeltsin is. Apparently, Yeltsin repeatedly tried to evade secret service agents while intoxicated, once while searching for pizza in his skivvies. Now I finally know what was missing from all of the house parties my college roommates and I threw. We had the homeless people sneaking into our basement without our knowledge. We had the mean punks who stole our stuff. And we had the nerdy theater kids with an undying passion for Derrida. What we really needed was a hungry, drunk, and mostly naked world leader. I bet we could have gotten ole' Boris to do a few keg stands with us or maybe do an air guitar solo if we had just made sure to keep the snacks coming.

That's all I've got for tonight, folks. I hope you learned some lessons today.

Stars: They're Nothing Like Us (And This is Why You Don't Skip the Crappy Awards Shows)

You'd have to be living in a cave to have not heard by now the hoopla surrounding Kanye West's oops! on Sunday night. But in case you do live in a cave, here's a video to catch you up to speed (bear with the stupid commercials):

MTV Shows

And this is the perfect reason why there is no awards show too crappy to watch. You may think that you don't want to dignify a mediocre, made-for-tweens excuse of an awards show with one second of your time, but if nothing else you will be up to speed on the outrageous doings of desperate celebrities.

And now just about everyone, from the president...



...to awkward hipster teens who are secretly into strong female country singers...



...has something to say about Kanye taking the spotlight from poor, innocent, 19-year-old Taylor Swift. Was it stupid of him to jump up on stage, rip the microphone out of her hands, and praise Beyonce? Yes, of course. But it's not like we all weren't thinking it. I mean you really can't top Beyonce, especially not with super-generic sugary country-pop made for little girls. The video for "Single Ladies," was genius...which is why it won "Video of the Year." It just wouldn't be fair to let her win in both categories!

Even though it was very stupid of Kanye to pull a stunt like this, it's not entirely his fault that it happened. MTV definitely should have known better, between his track record at awards shows and his prep for this year's show on the red carpet:


Or maybe they wanted the extra attention for outrageous stage antics because it's the only thing the VMAs have over the Grammy's, and they really haven't had any good ones since the Madonna-Britney lipstick lesbian love fest of '03.

So what's next for Kanye? After he apologizes profusely enough to Taylor Swift and the American public for stealing their baby's innocence, perhaps he'll work on his plan to upstage Patrick Swayze's death. Perhaps he'll co-opt Inside Edition and declare that Michael Jackson had a much better memorial dance montage? Who knows.

Ad It Up: Ode to Sky Mall

For those of you who are avid readers of The Blogulator, you may have known that I have been in Europe for the past two weeks. I would have thought that being gone for so long I'd be totally out of touch with pop culture, but actually I didn't do so bad. You'll be happy to know that both my last purchase before leaving the States and my first purchase upon landing were gossip magazines, so I'm getting myself all caught up on the Brangelina saga. And I painfully made it through Jim Carrey's more slapstick-rom-com-y second attempt at Liar Liar (also known as Yes Man) for the in-flight movie.

But perhaps my favorite part of flying is paging through all of the useless sh** they have to offer in the Sky Mall magazine. It's really quite genius if you think about it. You've got a captive audience, a little anxious and uncomfortable, with nothing better to do for hours on end than imagine up different uses for all the gadgets and gizmos you have to offer. It's brilliant! Sky Mall kind of makes me lose my faith in humanity just a little bit. Whenever I read it, I get to thinking that A) everyone has hidden cameras all over their homes and B) most people waste the majority of their money on tacky crap they're never going to use, like Harry Potter wand collections or sexually inappropriate nativity figurines.

Here are a couple of the gems I found whilst perusing the great money suck of the sky...

Feng Shui Compass

This little device uses aerospace guidance technology to help your find and calculate energy fields that assist you in your feng shui-ness. It will help you "align your physical surroundings to match your intentions." Whatever that means. I guess it will tell you if you need to sleep upside down or shower backwards or something. What was most surprising about this product though, was that every single customer reviewer gave it five out of five stars!

Electronic WatchdogIt barks, it's a siren, it's a relaxing rain forest. This speaker senses people coming and will somehow bark if it's an intruder or pleasantly chime if it's someone you want to come in. You can also set it to help you fall asleep with natural rain forest noises or set it to alternate between barking and a siren if it's someone you really don't like (which, to me, seems like a dead giveaway that the dog is not real). Go figure, the major complaint is that it is annoying when something fake barks at you whenever you move.

The NeckPro Traction Device

It looks like a reverse guillotine or something. Like you are going to lift your own head right off your body. I guess it's supposed to be some kind of neck therapy thing, but it looks pretty painful to me, and this guy is really not selling it. He does not look like someone whose pain is decreasing as a result of this product.

The Drib


And finally, we have the product that gives you full license to be an utterly embarrassing slob. With the help of this full length bib, you can hide your fast food shame by eating your lunch by yourself in the car. Because clearly you don't have the time to eat inside the restaurant but you also don't want to eat and drive at the same time. Plus, whatever falls out of that big sloppy sammy of yours will get caught in the knee pockets for safe keeping for later! Yum yum.

That's all I've got for tonight! If you want to explore the Sky Mall on your own, click here.

Angry Amy Gets Ugly

This weekend, I had a really bad sandwich. No, not like my bologna was molding in the shape of a frowny face staring up at me. More like a bad movie sandwich, with two awesome action films as the bread and the terribly predictable battle-of-the-sexes flick, The Ugly Truth, as the meat. I totally love action movies so watching a chick flick in the middle was totally off-putting.

I'm not going to bother giving a proper *spoiler alert* warning here, because if you need me to warn you that this movie is as bad and formulaic as it looks, you've got some problems. I don't think I could put it any better than Pajiba did in their very brutal review, but I'll try to verbalize my complaints.

We'll start with the plot, which could not be a more predictable twist on a predictable genre. So you got your basic boy meets girl -- only you can tell that it's female writers because we get girl's perspective -- girl hates boy because he's a total douche (big surprise); boy likes girl because she's an uppity bitch that he can teach to let her hair down (literally - there are hair extensions); despite the fact that girl is successful somehow boy makes her feel self-conscious enough to follow his advice; both realize what they really want is someone to make them miserable; big make-out session in a green-screen hot air balloon ride. The end.

Katherine Heigl stars as Abby, a morning TV news producer who has such high expectations that she just can't seem to find a man who meets all of her criteria. Gerard Butler plays Mike, a womanizing playa who, despite his lack of interest in love, feels the need to get on cable access every night and tell it to 'em straight about the differences between men and women. (You see, men are simple creatures because all they want is a super hot woman who won't emasculate them by making more money than they do. Women, on the other hand, are shallow, controlling shrews because they want to have it all - an attractive man who makes a lot of money). I bet you see where this plot is going...Abby's boss brings Mike on the show and after initially hating him, Abby let's Mike give her advice on how to sink her meat claws into her dreamboat doctor neighbor. Even though Abby succeeds in getting her perfect guy through all of the sly tactics Mike teaches her, she still can't help falling in love with Mike for no apparent reason other than a sexy dancing scene. When she finally tells doctor dreamboat that she's been pretending to be less controlling than she actually is in real life (as shown literally by pulling out her hair extension to show that she actually has short hair -- the ultimate symbol of uptightness), he refuses to sleep with her. Whaaaa??!! This baffles me the most. If men are really simple creatures who just want sex, wouldn't he jump at the chance to sleep with her anyway? He's come this far, he might as well go all the way.

But more than the overall plot line, it was the small, inaccurate details that made me the most angry - from the scene where they all ride together in one car to dinner but leave in separate cars to the finale that insisted on taking place in a hot air balloon but clearly had no effects budget. I mean, seriously, green screen? Seriously?! I'm surprised the driving scenes weren't just a projection of a road passing by a prop car. Then, there's the fact that a late-night cable access show about how men like their sex somehow got ratings through the roof in one night, enough to be translated into a feature on a Sacramento morning news program the very next day (which, I have to point out, would have been only hours later - but I guess that doesn't matter because no one in the movie seems to have to get up early for their morning news show). Now, I'm no expert in television ratings, but I'm pretty sure you can't build up that big a following in one night, especially when your show's premise is to basically yell at women that they aren't hot enough or giving enough blow jobs. Not to mention that even if that were possible, I just don't buy that this would be a feature on the local news - and that's actually saying a lot. I've seen the Fox 9 local news program in Minneapolis do a three-part series on what your pets are doing while you're at work (THREE PARTS!) and I still don't think that they would do a recurring sexpert feature that drags all of their personal relationship problems out on the air.

Also completely unrealistic is the scene where Mike gives Abby a pair of vibrating panties to help her masturbate, which of course she puts on right before an impromptu dinner with network executives. BTW -- if I never have to hear Gerard Butler say the words "flicking the bean" ever again, I'll be the happiest woman on earth. In what I believe is intended to be a "funny" When Harry Met Sally spoof, the underwear gets turned on to vibrate by a curious fat kid who finds its remote, and Abby has a painful orgasm in front of the big wigs. And even though it sounds more like she's constipated, they all get all hot and bothered. Gross!

So I guess the lessons we should learn from this film are that assholes and control freaks are a match made in heaven, and if you don't want to become a cat-lady spinster, you have two choices: 1) be super hot, completely devoid of personality, and give a lot of blow jobs or 2) settle.