Stars: They're Nothing Like Us: (The While You Were Stuffing Your Face During the Super Bowl Edition)

The Super Bowl. Perhaps the most-watched annual sporting event in the country. Everyone has their own little Super Bowl traditions -- mostly involving boatloads of junk food and booze. Now we Minnesotans are a little soured on the Super Bowl this year. Brett Favre was supposed to be our saving grace after decades of being almost good enough. In fact, according to Wikipedia, the Vikings have the most NFC or AFC Championship game appearances (9) without a Super Bowl title. And the tradition continues. So perhaps that is why I did not end up getting invited to any Super Bowl parties this year -- perhaps everyone preferred to just watch the game and get sulky-drunk at home in their underwear. Normally I do a best-of Ad It Up after the big game, but because there were no Super Bowl parties, I did not even end up watching it. The only thing I did catch was the very embarrassing half-time show featuring washed up rockers lip syncing to their own songs. Since my Super Bowl experience was less than stellar this year, I must live vicariously through others (and by "others," I really mean famous people that I don't know who have lifestyles that I'll never experience).

So, what were stars doing at the Super Bowl this year?

Kendra Wilkinson Was Crying Her Eyes Out:

Rumors that The Girl Next Door (former Hugh Hefner girlfriend striking out on her own) reality star was upset that her husband botched the big game sprung up after this picture leaked out. She swears on Twitter that she wasn't crying about the game but that the paparazzi wouldn't leave her alone.

Kim Kardashian Was Rubbing it in Kendra's Face:

Unlike Kendra Wilkinson, Kim Kardashian picked the right team player to date. Her BF was a superstar in the game and Kim even got to hang out on the field with him afterward.

Brangelina were PDA-ing:

EEEEEEEWWWWWW.....wait a minute -- kinda hot! Or are they just putting on a show to cover up all those rumors of them splitting up? If you look really closely, you can see the sly look on Brad's face, eyes half open and kind of smiling as if to say, "check this out, paparazzi!" And Angelina looks a bit uncomfortable, not really sure where to put her hand as she pretend to make out with Brad. But maybe I'm reading too much into it.

The Who Were Hoping That Their Light Show Would be Cool Enough That "the Kids" Wouldn't Notice How Old They Are:



And there's more...



Finally...

Heidi Montag Was STILL Desperately Trying to Get People to Pay Attention to Her:

Heidi Montag got a ton of plastic surgery recently and is CONSTANTLY dealing with it. First we had to hear about how she made this decision because she is either addicted to plastic surgery or she's making some sort of feminist statement about how her husband can't control her plastic surgery habits or something to that effect. Now, go figure, she's discovering that having bigger boobs and higher cheekbones doesn't really make her more happy. I just don't understand why this has to be the entire world's problem. If you want to cling to your fame, fine. But don't unnecessarily vicitmize yourself! Sigh. Only Heidi Montag would attempt to upstage the Super Bowl!

Top 10 Celebrity News Items of 2009

10. Tiger Woods is a Big Fat Cheater

Yes, we were all shocked late in 2009 that squeaky clean pro-golfer, Tiger Woods, turned out to be a cheater. Not at golf - but at the game of love. Pretty much every day throughout the month of December, there was another of Tiger's mistresses falling out of the woodwork. How many are there? Who can really keep track? But at some point, if you are in the double digits for mistresses, you gotta be counting on a fallout somewhere along the line. If I've learned anything from the show Big Love, it's that the more women you've got the harder it is to please them all.

9. World's Most Annoying Couple Formed

I definitely figured this story from early 2009 would dominate the headlines for the whole year, but actually after a little teasing game of "did it really happen?", Heidi and Spencer finally made their union official and kind of left us alone. I had pegged this marriage as a sham built upon two shallow people who desperately wanted the attention that came with their relationship, but I am relieved that marriage actually kind of shut them up.

8. Uggo's Got Talent

Not all celeb news this year was about the beautiful, tan, thin people who live in Hollyweird. 2009 brought fame to a whole new, far less shallow level. This year, we learned that even ugly people can have talent. In fact, the #1 album on the Billboard charts for the last 5 weeks of 2009 came from this woman, who was discovered on a British reality show...

7. R.I.P. Oprah

No, Oprah is not dead. You did not miss that headline this year. But she might as well be dead to me. Oprah announced this year that she will end her daytime talk show after 2011. How will we go on after that?

6. *Spoiler alert* Kanye's a Jerk

If there was anything more publicly mocked this year than the Tiger Woods sex scandal, it was definitely Kanye West's embarrassing candy-from-a-baby moment at this year's VMAs. Despite multiple past attempts by the artist to ruin awards shows, no one saw this one coming. Even Beyonce, the object of his affection, was on Taylor Swift's side after Kanye jerked the microphone away during her acceptance speech.

5. "Octomom" [noun] - an attention whore who very publicly gives birth to octuplets

Was it a fertility drug accident? Did she do is intentionally to get a reality show? Should we pity her because she has no money or should we hate her for being irresponsible? Was the doctor negligent? All of these questions have been on the forefront of the American public's mind for the past year, all of them trying to make heads or tails of why a single mother of 6 would want to add 8 more to the pack. But what's more is that Octomom has been voted #1 worst neighbor in America.

4. Letterman Actually Offends People

I didn't think that Letterman's grandma-approved vanilla comedy could actually offend someone, but where there's a will, there's a way. That way is through self-proclaimed victim/politician, Sarah Palin, who blasted Letterman for making jokes about A-Rod knocking up her daughter. And how did Palin respond to Letterman's apology? By being about this big about it and rejecting his mea culpa.

3. Kate (Plus 8) - Jon = Messy Divorce

You know that feeling when your eyes are too big for your stomach and as you are eating you start to feel sick? Well, I think that's how Jon and Kate now feel about their fame. The former reality TV couple went through a very messy and very public separation this year. Considering we spent the whole year discussing this news piece, I have a feeling there will be some spillage over into 2010 on this one.

2. Jessica Simpson Has Bad Year

Poor poor Jessica Simpson. Not only did she have waxy ears necessitating extreme cleaning measures this year, she got dumped by boyfriend, Tony Romo and made a very poor fashion choice that highlighted her weight gain. But it gets worse...the cruel people of this world who get off on tormenting Jessica Simpson have been keeping the very faint candle of hope that her maltipoo puppy, who was carried off by a coyote in September, is still alive.

1. R.I.P. MJ

And the number one celebrity news item of 2009 is, of course, the death of Michael Jackson, King of Pop and all-around creepy man. We will all remember where we were when we heard the news that MJ was gone. I was in class. Someone got a message about it. I quickly confirmed the information with Qualler via text. Class was not canceled, but I felt that it should have been. May he rest in peace, and may 2010 bring many screenings of This Is It.

Wannabe Stars: They're Nothing Like Us

Oh, the things people will do to get on TV! As the resident celebrity blogger here at The Blogulator, I have remained pretty silent on two very important - we'll call them "incidents" - that have gone down recently that now I believe may be the marker of a new incarnation of fame-chasing. I am, of course, talking about the "Balloon Boy" hoax and the "White House Crashers" security breach. And though it has yet to be proven that the White House party crashers were indeed uninvited guests of the state dinner, both incidents are surrounded by speculation and accusations of intentionally breaking the law in order to get famous.

Is this the new way to get on TV? First, people had to pack up their lives and move out to Hollywood hoping to get their big break on the big screen. After the invention of reality TV, we poor nameless saps were injected with the notion that maybe everyone can have their 15 minutes. Then, with the coming of reality TV celebrities like Heidi and Spencer, those same poor nameless saps got it into their heads that they too can be uber-famous for doing nothing. All they need is the opportunity to get on TV and do something crazy, like wear a bikini for an American Idol audition or be a giant bee-atch to Donald Trump, and they'll go down in history.

So I guess it makes sense that now we're seeing desperate attempts by ordinary crazies to get their own reality television series, and even worse than that, the media is rewarding them for it. Here are the White House crashers on The Today Show:



I'm sure it is very "devastating" and "unbearable" for a couple of attention whores to have the entire country talking about their celebrity encounters and offering them interviews on one of the most viewed morning talk shows! What's even worse was the ridiculously boring 20+ minute interview of the "Balloon Boy" family on Larry King Live that Larry King obviously didn't even want to be present for:



The kid just admitted it was all a hoax and Wolf Blitzer didn't even flinch! No follow-up questions, nothing! And that's why you don't send Wolf Blitzer to do your interviews, no matter how boring and pointless you may think they're going to be. Maybe this all just goes to show that people will continue to be complete and utterly irresponsible a-holes to get what they want and we'll continue to give it to them. Sure, they may go to jail or have to pay a fine. But everyone will know their names -- or at least their headline names.

Stars: They're Nothing Like Us (The Top 5 Voids Left By Oprah)

Like most of the country, last week I was in shock over the news that Oprah Winfrey decided to hang up her daytime TV mogul hat. For many people, this was the disappointment heard 'round the world since Oprah has been so influential in American culture.

By now, most of the conversation has turned to who will replace the woman who has who has told us what to read, who to like, and what to believe in 2011 when the show comes to its conclusion. I think we can all agree that Oprah's got some pretty big shoes and it would be difficult for one person to fill them. That's why I've determined 5 specific areas that we're going to need help with in a post-Oprah world and I've identified 5 potential replacements for her. Here are the five questions that are now keeping Oprah fans up at night...

1) Who is going to tell me what to read?

What better book club is out there than Oprah's? You get to discover inspiring books before everyone else; you can skip all the pretentious discussion groups; and Oprah is never going to call you out if you just skim the Cliff Notes or only look at the pictures! But in Oprah's absence I'd like the nominate recent Oprah guest Sarah Palin, who spent a good portion of her interview proving that she does, in fact, read. Plus, as a maverick, you know she'll 'go rogue' with her book selections.



2) Whose weight is going to yo-yo on national television, thereby showing women everywhere that they have inner beauty?

Oprah might be best known for her very public struggles with her weight, and I think there are a lot of women that I could recommend as the new role model in this area. But the Kirstie Alleys and Rosie O'Donnells or the world are lacking one thing that this next nominee has a lot of...unrelenting narcissism! I'm talking about Tyra Banks, of course. I just really don't think we're going to get anyone as gracious about her struggles with her body as Oprah, so I think the best strategy is to go with someone who is just not afraid to tell it how it is.

Tyra Banks already does so much to show us that no matter what we look like -- whether we're under 5'9" or if we're a pudgy size 6 -- we can all be models. You just have to overcome all of the obstacles that Tyra had to. Maybe she's a bit angrier than Oprah but she is building a healthy empire and she's not afraid to blindly ignore the hypocrisy of her own actions.



3) Who will create shocking Broadway musicals that will test our beliefs and push the boundaries on discrimination?

Oprah's huge success with The Color Purple is hard to deny. Finding someone to step up to the plate on this one kind of sounds like the next step for Tyra Banks, actually. But since I don't really see Broadway agreeing to let Tyra play every role, I'm going to nominate Adam Lambert. After his AMAs performance, I really think he's the one to finally bring gay S&M discrimination to the forefront of the equal rights movement.



4) Who will tell me who to vote for for president?

According to Wikipedia, Oprah has been credited with delivering over a million votes for Barack Obama in the 2008 Democratic primary. Being the most influential woman in America, I sincerely doubt that any other person besides Oprah could pull off something like that. But I think that it's just important to have a politically-minded person fill that role, so I'd like to nominate former America's Next Top Model winner, Saleisha. Now that the thought has crossed her mind to vote, I'm sure this Cover Girl and 2008 first-time voter will not only keep up on her politics but actively support her candidates.



5) Who is going to give away cars and other fancy prizes to audience members?

Octomom -- only she'll be giving away kids instead of cars. Yeah, the present is half the fun and twice the responsibility, but she's got an overabundance of babies and a great fertility doctor so she'll be a consistent supplier of door prizes. And she's been begging for TV time, so it's a perfect fit.



Oprah will be missed, but if all these celebrities do their part and use their newly found talents to fill in the gaps then America will be alright.

Angry Amy on How Being a Giant Tease Really Does Keep People Interested

If anything should be a barometer for your relevance as a musician/as a person, it should definitely be that #1 Billboard hit you wrote back in the '70s. But for some people it's just not good enough to have a very popular song which everyone will recognize for decades to come. No, those people want more. They want everyone to not only recognize their song forever, but to have people want to talk to them forever too. If you want to remain wanted for a long time you have to give the people a reason to talk to you. And what better way than to unnecessarily keep a secret that everyone wants to know for so long that hopefully a new generation of people are losing sleep over it?! So those musicians feign letting their art speak for itself while continuing to coyly solicit interviews about their song.

Yes, I AM talking about you, Carly Simon!


Does anyone still alive even care about who the subject of "You're so Vain" is? Cuz it's becoming increasingly obvious to this blogger that interest is fading - and fast - or Ms. Simon wouldn't be upping the stakes of her coquettish game of "guess who." Last week, Carly Simon went on WNYC's music talk show Soundcheck only to dangle another clue like a carrot hanging over the head of a well-fed, contented, sleeping horse. This time, she embedded the name "David" backwards into a new recording of the song because that's totally what the kids spend their time doing these days - listening to records backward so our parents won't find out what's really in that rock and roll music we listen to!

I must admit, this Angry Amy episode has been festering since 2003, when Simon auctioned off the piece of useless information for $50,000 at a charity auction (which I always thought was an ironically vain move). Then in 2004, she told Regis Philbin that she planned on letting it out in "dribs and drabs," giving out an "A," "E," and "R" (according to Wikipedia). Here's Simon flirting like a schoolgirl about the song with Ellen in 2008...


When will this stop?!?!?!? Please , for the love of all that is holy - Carly Simon, sh** or get off the pot. And that's what makes me angry!

Ad it Up: The Douchiest

How do you go from unemployed high school drop out in the middle of nowhere to national sex symbol? Apparently, all you have to do is knock up the underage daughter of a completely unqualified but stubbornly self-righteous and preachy politician trying to break on to the national scene. Then, after it's too late for her to get an abortion, break up with said daughter and bitch to the media about how hard you've got it while leaving her to raise the baby on her own. Oh, and make sure to tell them what a bitch your ex-girlfriend's mother is!

After that, the sponsorships with come to you. Take Levi Johnston, ex-bf of Sarah Palin's daughter Bristol, for example. Not only was he featured in GQ and Vanity Fair this year, but now he's beefing up for a spread in Playgirl and making money off of double-entendres about unprotected teenage sex...



Wow! "Now Levi Johnston does it with protection?"!!! I must have heard the wrong schpiel about the birds and the bees. Cuz I had no idea that eating pistachios without a big, burly security guard next to you could result in unwanted underage pregnancy.

But seriously, I can't really think of anything more douchey than using your teenage girlfriend's unwanted pregnancy to launch your career as a famous....err, famous something. The good news is I can't imagine that this is going to translate into a real career. Maybe a few interviews and photo shoots, but it will probably blow over. But then again, Hollyweird always surprises you.

Stars: They're Nothing Like Us (The Ga Ga for Science Edition)

Here's a possible recent conversation between Lady GaGa and her stylist...

L.G. -- Hey super crazy stylist who may or may not be smoking meth when you make my costumes! I was just asked to perform on SNL this Saturday and I need a new outfit.

Stylist -- Wow, that's great. Let's see, you've already been a fake-baked Pikachu, a bloody tampon, slutty Little Red Riding Hood, a cheetah in a tiger-skin Slanket, a sexy stalker librarian, and a dominatrix hockey player. What else is there?

L.G. -- Plus, I've been a crow in a neck brace, Princess Leia up to her buns in crochette projects, and Courtney Love. I'm totally out of ideas.

Sylist -- Well, let's think. What really screams Saturday Night Live? Sat-ur-day. Satur-n-day. Saturn. Outerspace. Science! Let's do science something or other.

L.G. -- Hmmm...science? Will I still get to go pants-less? Because otherwise my grandma won't be able to see me.

Sylist -- We'll find a way...



As it turns out, science and fashion are a little awkward together. You would think that they'd make the gyroscope big enough to go around her head instead of smacking her in the forehead. It was especially hilarious when she couldn't sit down at the piano. Take that, Lady GaGa! That's what you get for needing to be eccentric for eccentricity's sake. Maybe next time you'll try a pair of jeans.

Presidents: They're Nothing Like Us

Does anyone remember The Animaniacs? Yes? Remember that segment they had called "Good Idea, Bad Idea?" If not, hopefully this will jog your memory:



Now that we're all on the same page, I'd like to try applying this whole "good idea, bad idea" concept to 1990's politics in light of an article I read this week. According to USA Today, there is a new book coming out about Bill Clinton's presidency based on a whole bunch of secret interviews he was giving during his time in office. (I know, I know, the obvious joke is 'that wasn't the only thing he was giving while in office'). Anyway, the book is called The Clinton Tapes: Wrestling History With the President and is based on the author's memory of the interviews he conducted that were so secret that Clinton wouldn't let him keep the tapes, but Billy Boy reportedly housed them in his sock drawer. So in the spirit of The Animaniacs, let's try a few "good idea, bad ideas" --

Good Idea: Keeping your secrets hidden.

Bad Idea: Keeping your secrets hidden in your sock drawer.

Maybe I'm the only one whose mind is going in this direction, but Bill Clinton gave 79 secret interviews during his presidency. Wouldn't that have to be an awfully big sock drawer to house them all? Also, at the point where you get your "secret interviews" transcribed, doesn't that kind of make them more vulnerable to becoming published? I mean, I am assuming Bill did not spend his evenings staying up till all hours of the night transcribing the things himself. Not to mention the fact that once you bring in a reporter, you gotta figure he's going to remember some of what you tell him. Their minds are like steel traps! We do have to give Clinton a break, though. This was the pre-I-made-a-sex-tape-and-never-thought-it-would-get-out-but-oops-someone-stole-it-and-posted-it-on-the-internet-or-sold-it-as-an-adult-video era. Perhaps he was just too naive to realize that you really shouldn't record all of your secrets and assume they'll never get out.

Ok, let's try another one...

Good Idea: Sending Boris Yeltsin to a diplomatic meeting at the White House

Bad Idea: Sending Boris Yeltsin out for pizza in his knickers after partying at the White House.

According to the article, part of Bill Clinton's interviews discuss what a hilarious drunk Boris Yeltsin is. Apparently, Yeltsin repeatedly tried to evade secret service agents while intoxicated, once while searching for pizza in his skivvies. Now I finally know what was missing from all of the house parties my college roommates and I threw. We had the homeless people sneaking into our basement without our knowledge. We had the mean punks who stole our stuff. And we had the nerdy theater kids with an undying passion for Derrida. What we really needed was a hungry, drunk, and mostly naked world leader. I bet we could have gotten ole' Boris to do a few keg stands with us or maybe do an air guitar solo if we had just made sure to keep the snacks coming.

That's all I've got for tonight, folks. I hope you learned some lessons today.

Stars: They're Nothing Like Us (And This is Why You Don't Skip the Crappy Awards Shows)

You'd have to be living in a cave to have not heard by now the hoopla surrounding Kanye West's oops! on Sunday night. But in case you do live in a cave, here's a video to catch you up to speed (bear with the stupid commercials):

MTV Shows

And this is the perfect reason why there is no awards show too crappy to watch. You may think that you don't want to dignify a mediocre, made-for-tweens excuse of an awards show with one second of your time, but if nothing else you will be up to speed on the outrageous doings of desperate celebrities.

And now just about everyone, from the president...



...to awkward hipster teens who are secretly into strong female country singers...



...has something to say about Kanye taking the spotlight from poor, innocent, 19-year-old Taylor Swift. Was it stupid of him to jump up on stage, rip the microphone out of her hands, and praise Beyonce? Yes, of course. But it's not like we all weren't thinking it. I mean you really can't top Beyonce, especially not with super-generic sugary country-pop made for little girls. The video for "Single Ladies," was genius...which is why it won "Video of the Year." It just wouldn't be fair to let her win in both categories!

Even though it was very stupid of Kanye to pull a stunt like this, it's not entirely his fault that it happened. MTV definitely should have known better, between his track record at awards shows and his prep for this year's show on the red carpet:


Or maybe they wanted the extra attention for outrageous stage antics because it's the only thing the VMAs have over the Grammy's, and they really haven't had any good ones since the Madonna-Britney lipstick lesbian love fest of '03.

So what's next for Kanye? After he apologizes profusely enough to Taylor Swift and the American public for stealing their baby's innocence, perhaps he'll work on his plan to upstage Patrick Swayze's death. Perhaps he'll co-opt Inside Edition and declare that Michael Jackson had a much better memorial dance montage? Who knows.

What Does Indie Mean Today: The Corporatization of Independent [Guest Post by Laura]

[Editor's Note: Here's a guest post from Blogulator friend and reader Laura Knepper, owner of LKc Style, a personal shopping and image consulting company exclusively for male clientele. Services are based out of Chicago, Illinois but can be provided via phone and e-mail for national and international clients.]

It’s a regular tale, the totally cool and underground people discover things they love and try to keep them that way—away from “The Man,” who is decidedly uncool and monopolizing. But The Man is smart. He eventually finds out our beloved things and wraps them up and sells them back to us for a profit. It happened before with the alternative movement of the 90’s (anyone still listening to their alternative rock radio station or wearing flannel??). And it happened with hip-hop, a once reviled and edge market now turned into the dominate Top 40 phenomenon with your mom watching So You Think You Can Dance.

Most recently, the indie movement of the Millennials has served up quite the topsy-turvy tale of sorts. The indie or Independent movement was an exacting pierce against corporate America that infiltrated music, movies and fashion by local artists of all sorts. We fell in love with their creative tunes, their awkward tableaus and funky t-shirts. The indie movement was also promulgated by the availability to connect faster to more people than ever before and with unconventional advertising. Indie creators are using Myspace, Facebook, blogs and Twitter to push their ideas and individualism. A sound, look and feel became identifiable in the indie scene.

And all at once, The Man became indie too. The Man was wearing skinny jeans, listening to Crystal Castles and tweeting about Kanye’s sunglasses. But He still has His old pocket book in mind…He made the iPod and Urban Outfitters and Little Miss Sunshine. And we bought it. And continue to buy it. This creates the ironic mess of Independent being married to the exact opposite of what it stands for. It makes me a little emo, how about you?

But The Man can’t sell out to himself, can he?!?

None of the above is probably “news” to you readers as you are all, no doubt, savvy of your surroundings. I bring up the idea to create a springboard for thinking ahead. So, as a final thought, if you, dear reader, got through all of this verbosity, I’d like to take a poll: How do you feel about indie becoming mainstream? And what do you think is the next movement to be eventually harvested by corporate America?

Consider the following indie to mainstream infiltrations:

Pete Wentz: Pioneer or Sweatshirt Sellout?

Starbucks: Franchising coffee sluts or recent independent mocha maker?

Nirvana & Soundgarden Lovers Meet $150 shoes

Indie Spongebob: Don’t cry over your crabby patties.

Pop sensation Hillary Duff: Skinny jeans + giant bowling bag = brand whore indie

Lenscrafters promotes Emo glasses to Beautiful People

You can read the LKc Style blog for tips too, where you can soon be on the lookout for a guest post from our very own Qualler. Thanks to Laura for extending her talents to The Blogulator!

Angry Amy: Twitter as the New Post-it Note

It sure has been awhile since I've done an Angry Amy episode - not because I haven't been angry (believe me, if I see one more Jon & Kate photo I just might have to write a very strongly-worded letter) - but because it's all a bit anger-inducing these days. But last week I found something that was particularly ridiculous and made me do a giant eye roll as soon as I saw it. So here we go...

You know what makes me angry?!!

Paula Abdul! I realize that she's had a lot of frustrations in working on American Idol with having to put up with Simon Cowell's ego and being the only female judge (except for that one obnoxious first-year judge that no one outside of the music industry has ever heard of), but in her announcement of her departure from American Idol, she could not have harbored more resentment. And how did she decide to tell the world that she was leaving? Via Twitter!!!

Maybe it's just me, but announcing that you are leaving a job where your show-boating douchebag coworker is making almost quadruple your salary via Twitter is like leaving a giant passive-aggressive post-it note for the world. Paula knows that the press are probably following her Twitter feed, but still, avoiding the direct contact is just kind of sad and bitter. By notifying the public over your social networking site -- especially one that limits your characters to 140 (like, say, the amount you could fit on a post-it) -- you are essentially putting up a note and just hoping that someone will read it and ask you so you can talk about it. Yeah, that's passive aggressive. (BTW, if you haven't seen this site and you enjoy passive-aggressive notes, you much click here).

I have a hard time believing that the "straight up now tell me" girl can't at least get her publicist to send a press release. Or she should take her issue to TMZ. There's nothing they won't cover! Not only are Twitter announcements passive-aggressive, they are passive-aggressive in a totally pretentious, narcissistic, "I wonder who is the most obsessed with me" way. This fishing for signs of affection just rubs me the wrong way. Twitter definitely has its place, and call me old-fashioned, but this is not it.

To play devil's advocate, though, I'm not being entirely fair to Paula Abdul. Many, many people do not understand what Twitter should actually be used for.

Stars: They're Nothing Like Us (Tribute to Ugly Celebrity Kids)

This week, I would like to cover the very important, but seldom discussed, topic of celebrities' ugly children. One would honestly think that this should never be an issue, but despite the fact that stars are some of the most beautiful people in the world, sometimes they make some pretty ugly babies. Here's a jumping off point for the discussion -- some of the celebrity kids that I think need a little help in the cuteness department:

Nichole Richie and Joel Madden (Daughter: Harlow Winter Kate)

Yes, that is a girl. A human girl. I know it's hard to tell if that thing is of our species or if your Cabbage Patch Doll came to life. If I didn't know any better, I would have guessed that a smurf and a troll had a mutual "I'm so weird-looking" self-pity one-night-stand that due to condom malfunctions, ended in pregnancy. Then, to conceal their forbidden love, they had to give their child to the one human with a face just smooshed-enough to pass for the mother. That's if I didn't know any better...

Tori Spelling and Dean McDermott (Kids: Liam and Stella)

Neither of them are lookers, but I'm particularly interested in Liam. Stella just looks like a sad alien, but Liam is like a tiny grown-up. When you give your kid a name like Liam you are pretty much asking for it to have an old man face. Then, if you part its hair to the side, you're totally done for. You've got yourself an old man baby. Just look at him there on the left and tell me he doesn't look like a forty-year-old in a miniature body.

Pete Wentz and Ashlee Simpson (Son: Bronx Mowgli)

It's really mostly the name Bronx Mowgli that I have a problem with, but you probably knew that already. Besides the name, though, this baby looks scared to death - as he should be if he's part of the Simpson family.

Bindi Irwin -- 'nough said

Something irks me about Bindi Irwin. I'm not sure if it's the 90's haircut, the safari clothes, or the fact that's she's gotten a ridiculous amount of airtime and press to do crappy rap songs about environmental conservation after Steve Irwin's death. I grant that it is not easy to be a poorly-dressed nature-lover with a dorky penchant for bad music and still get some press coverage. Good for her, I guess.

Adam Sandler (Daughter: Sadie)

Adam Sandler is a very funny man, but no one ever said he was very attractive. And while his unique look kind of works for him, he should never pass that face on to his kids -- especially not to a girl. It could be the 80's mullet little Sadie is rockin' that bring it out, but she looks exactly like a female version of Adam Sandler as a baby. It's kind of creepy, actually. Maybe Sadie will grow up to look more like her mom, who is totally hot, BTW. If not, man...

That's all I've got for ugly celebrity kids for now. I've got to admit that a lot of this list comes down to ugly parents and ugly haircuts. Those two things alone can outdo any famous connections one might have. Feel free to share your own thoughts on who is famous with unattractive children.

Stars: They're Nothing Like Us (Jon - Kate + 22-year-old Pot Head - Responsibility)

R.I.P. M.J.

Just had to get that out there because Michael Jackson's death has been so inflated by the media that it almost seems insensitive to talk about anything else -- which, I guess, is a good metric for how important you are. If they gloss over a Supreme Court confirmation hearing for you, you know you've made it.

Not that M.J. isn't important, and it's not that I haven't been glued to my TV watching footage from the memorial, but it is time to pay a little attention to our other celebrity friends. It's time to move on with our lives. And what better way to start getting on with our lives than some good Jon and Kate gossip? Here's the latest headline from People:

"Jon Gosselin's New Girlfriend a 'Party Animal'"

How on earth does such a terrible father/husband and generally disgusting person in such a public role manage to ALWAYS escape the consequences of his actions? More than that, how does he always succeed in shifting the public blame to the women in his life?

When the whole raising your kids on television thing didn't end up being all smiles and magic, it was because Kate was so camera thirsty that she sacrificed her whole family's happiness to be famous. When Jon cheated on Kate, it was because Kate was such a hard-to-please bitch that she drove him right into another woman's arms. The other woman should have known better. And now, it seems like Jon's new girlfriend is already being set up as the fall guy for when things get bad. Here's the evidence presented against her (People):

"She's one of those crazy party animals," one source tells PEOPLE, adding that during her time at Indiana University, she never really had a steady boyfriend. "She would probably be that type of girl who would get on top of the bar and start dancing." Adds another source: "I've seen her dance with a stripper before at a party." As for her style, "She dresses interestingly," says the source. "It's pretty fashion-forward."

So now bitchy, jealous frenemies who like to speculate on a person's sluttiness count as "sources?" And not having a steady boyfriend means that you are an exotic dancer? The story is not entirely over-the-top, though. She was busted for smoking pot once and underage drinking once. Here's her mug shot from the arrest. She actually looks pretty good in it; she's even smiling. If Amanda Bynes grew out of her adorably clumsy phase, this is what she'd look like:

The pot arrest seems inconsistent with her "party animal" status, as I would have thought a "party animal's" drug of choice would be some kind of upper, but I suppose the press will take what they can get. Regardless, I predict right now that this "party animal" status will somehow become the source of Jon's mistreatment of his children. Just watch. In another week or so he'll do something irresponsible, like forgetting to pick the kids up from school, and it will all be because he was out too late getting high with his party animal girlfriend. The "Parents. The Anti-Drug." people would LOVE to make a dramatized television commercial out of it. Whatever happens, though, it will definitely not be Jon's fault.

Stars: They're Nothing Like Us (R.I.P. M.J.)

If there is anything that has shaken the foundation of this country more than 9/11, I think it's the death of Michael Jackson last week. What a peculiar feeling to have the biggest pop star of our lifetime kick the bucket in such a relatively ordinary manner. Yeah, there were perhaps drugs involved, but when it comes down to it, this was not an obvious overdose. Nor was it a murder or a tragic car accident or any other death befitting a music icon. And perhaps it is more unsettling for M.J. to have a heart attack than a more dramatic death too. With all the crazy stuff that happened to him or because of him, you'd really expect more of his death.

So maybe that's why the world has gone completely nuts in the last week - they need closure. They expected more of M.J.'s death, and they intend to get it. The media frenzy is out of control with speculation on his death and the future of his estate. They're rerunning interviews with him or people related to him to demonstrate how crazy his life was. It's like the world is at a standstill. There is nothing to report that isn't somehow Michael Jackson related. But at what cost? What are we missing out on?

Here are a few things that were overshadowed by Michael Jackson's Death:

1) Goodbye Farrah Fawcett

Poor Farrah Fawcett. Hollywood pulled a mean trick on her when it comes to her death. She and the media worked so so hard to make her battle with cancer into a tearjerker for the public to remember for years to come. She had the television special, Farrah's Story, documenting for the world the traumatic struggle. She had the troubled son who got out of jail to see her one last time. And she had the last minute marriage proposal that kept us all rooting she'd pull through to tie the knot one last time. She did all the right things to be remembered, and then BAM, she gets upstaged. All we've seen in the news for months is Farrah's deteriorating condition and now hardly anyone remembers her name.

2) Governor Sanford Sex Scandal

Man, you couldn't ask for a better time to go public about your affair. People barely batted an eye when they hear that South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford was having a ridiculously long distance affair with an even more ridiculous cover story. I don't know what married adult man thinks that he can disappear to South America for a week and his wife won't notice. While Governor Sanford did get caught and will likely face an angry wife, the rest of the country could care less. We're all too busy worrying about who is going to get Michael Jackson's kids and whether or not his doctor could have called 911 quicker. It's like Sanford got away with murder - the perfect crime.

3) Goodbye Billy Mays

Who? Maybe it had less to do with M.J. and more to do with the fact that no one ever knew The OxiClean Man's real name. Still, you bump your head during a rough airplane landing and two days later, BAM - heart disease. If I were an infomercial salesman, I'd be pretty worried.

4) Jon & Kate Minus Each Other

Even two super bitchy parents clawing for the spotlight and exploiting their children for fame can't beat out the King of Pop. Granted, this is the man who had sleepovers with little boys and thought of himself as Peter Pan. But still, it amazes me how quickly J&K+8 was forgotten. Two weeks ago, you couldn't get through a single store checkout line without seeing some picture of Kate yelling at kids and driving her husband away with her bitchery. Maybe they'll get back together to turn the drama up a titch. That'll give M.J. a run for his money.

5) Violence in the Middle East

Isn't there some kind of violent protest/rally thing in Iran right now that we're supposed to or not supposed to be getting involved with? I wonder if they ever settled that one. Oh, well, I'm more interested in whether or not the crazy Gary, Indiana mayor will be able to persuade M.J.'s parents to send the body over for the stadium-sized memorial service he's decided to plan.

This whole mess is like a big train wreck that you can't take your eyes off of. I'm sick of it, but at the same time something is keeping me tuned in. Perhaps it's the lack of closure or perhaps it's just a good story. Either way, we may be missing a lot of other stuff going on in the world, but at least we'll be thoroughly entertained by tragedy for a while.

Stars: They're Nothing Like Us (Rick Steves Edition)

I've been spending a lot of time with radio lately, mostly listening to Rick Steves' travel show. Now, for those of you who are not familiar with Rick Steves, he's the fun-lovin' Lutheran from Washington who writes all those guidebooks about Europe and hosts travel shows on public radio and television. And his radio show is just gosh darn great. When I listen, I feel like I'm in a church basement drinking watered-down coffee and eating some egg bake, laughing about the differences in different cultures. Seriously, I'm totally into it. So now I've got the travel bug and it seems like everything pop-culture that I consume somehow relates back to Rick Steves.

Jessica Simpson Caught the Travel Bug Too

Or maybe it's just the it's-so-unfair-that-the-media-called-me-fat-that-only-a-new-reality-show-will-vindicate-me bug. As a follow-up to her infamous fattie in high-wasted pants pic, Jessica Simpson has decided to do something about it. Starting in July, she'll be traveling all over the globe to investigate "The Price of Beauty" (also the name of her show). Actually, the show sounds really interesting. She's going to be reporting on different ideas of beauty in different countries and show the things they do to make themselves pretty. While she begins filming this summer, I'll be planning my exploitation of Brigitte and Qualler's cable for next year when it is supposed to air. The concept has a lot of potential, but I'm a bit apprehensive about VH1 putting it on and Jessica Simpson hosting. I think it could very easily slip into Rock of Love meets Tyra Banks territory. That could be very scary. But, as Rick Steves' would probably say, "you can't judge a book by its cover," so I will definitely be giving The Price of Beauty a try.

Violence is Never the Answer

Speaking of idioms probably used by Rick Steves, here's a great story about sticks and stones, etc., etc. Perez Hilton got "attacked" this week by a Black Eyed Peas manager in Toronto. I'm sure a lot of people in Hollywood are pissed off by Perez Hilton. He's whiny, annoying, over-the-top, self-righteous, vindictive, and so on. But as angry as he makes you, it is important to remain in control, because if you lash out you know he's going to be really really whiny about it. Remember: you are the adult in this situation. And he's kind of right, violence is never the answer, because some people will twitter until the police come at the thought of a fist fight. Here's a perfect example of why not to engage Perez Hilton in a fight:


***Rick Steves Warning: "Ooooh, be careful with this one here. There's a coupla f-bombs dropping. Plus, you always gotta watch out when you invoke the ratha God. Here we go with part two of the interview."***


So what can we gather from these videos? Well,

1. Perez Hilton has a little trouble remembering his own name

2. He thinks that it is customary to use air quotes or raise his voice when he uses words from the urban dictionary, like "agro," to describe his own run-ins with minorities.

3. Fergie is a musician AND a baseball player

4. Perez Hilton is a very functional shock victim

5. Will.i.am could have a very successful career as a bounty hunter

6. "Victim of violence" is a lot looser term than I had thought

7. When law enforcement fails, you must turn to the one thing that will protect you -- Twitter

8. If you tweet an emergency at 3:30 a.m. and you are a celebrity, people will be awake and they will call 911 for you

Now we can all have a Rick Steves chuckle at this misunderstanding. Next time you're in Toronto, get off the beaten path and hang out with the locals instead of that music awards show after party - and make sure you wear your money belt!

Stars: They're Nothing Like Us (Another LiLo Scandal)

More Lindsay Lohan news this week -- which is probably exactly what she wants these days. As an attention whore in a dry spell, she must be going effing nuts. And apparently she is. Not that it is necessarily anything out of the ordinary for Lindsay to take scandalous photos of herself and post them on the interwebs, but OMG everyone, Lindsay Lohan took topless photos of herself in a wig and tweeted all about it.

I've got to give this picture a big "Meh" when it comes to shock value. Her goods are covered, so what's the big deal? I wouldn't even label it "not safe for work." Even Disney's The Little Mermaid had women using their hair as a bikini top. Now I don't know Twitter's nudity policy very well, but she could have done a lot better than this if she wanted to get more than the typo-infested bone Fox News threw her. Most Lindsay fans and followers scanning through her tweets probably wouldn't even ask themselves, "what's wrong with this picture?"

But this picture is just the icing on the cake. Cake filled with potential kleptomaniac scandals that involve $400,000 worth of jewelry. Lohan says she doesn't have anything to do with the missing diamond necklace and earings, but with a track record like hers (Kelly Osborne's purse, that Columbia student's fur coat) it was very stupid of Dior to lend her the jewelry in the first place. Fortunately for Dior, it would be very difficult for one of the most photographed people in the world to actually wear her stolen jems out in public. If it was Lindsay, she'll probably give it back sometime soon.

I do feel bad for her on some level. Lindsay's had a rough time in Hollyweird. But at least she can laugh at herself. If you haven't seen this Funny or Die video of her spoofing Eharmony yet, enjoy:

Lindsay Lohan's eHarmony Profile from Lindsay Lohan

Stars: They're Nothing Like Us (Coming Out)

Personally, I think American Idol needs to implement its own "Don't Ask Don't Tell" policy. Or maybe it should just be a "don't tell" policy. Not because being gay should be kept a secret, but because quite frankly, it is embarrassing when Idols come out. Take, for example, Adam Lambert, the newest AI runner-up. Despite a fairly conclusive photo scandal of him kissing another man early on in the competition, Adam decided for some reason that now was the time to clear up those rumors. And what better way to come out than with an overly-sexual photo of yourself looking eerily similar to My So Called Life's Rickie Vazquez to grace the cover of newest Rolling Stone? Not only does this pic of Adam (lying in a pile of laundry?) resonate with a hot-homeless vibe, it is symbolic too. The belt of arrows all pointing in the direction of his crotch seems to be asking the question that the public has been yearning to know the answer to. Then there is the snake -- the ultimate symbol of temptation -- sticking its tongue out, also going for the crotch as if to say "sssssssex." Finally, the butterfly. I've got nothing on the butterfly. I have no idea why that would be there, unless it is a sparkly hair barrette meant to symbolize the unexplained sexual attraction little girls have to guys in eyeliner. Whatever is going on in this picture, it is clear that the main attraction here is this man's private parts, which ties in very nicely to the story about his sexuality. Very subtle, Rolling Stone. Very subtle.

Now you may be asking yourself why anyone would be shocked by this news since the photo scandal pretty much should have tipped everyone off. Well, one should never underestimate the power of 12-year-old girl crushes. It's pretty much the fuel that powers American Idol. So it should be no surprise that these tweens have the power to make or break reality. If they want to believe that you're still the one for them even though you wear make-up and kiss other boys, that becomes the truth. If they hate your guts and want you off the show, you bet they are going to form an army of text messagers to vote you off so fast your head will spin. It is no surprise, then, that someone could dodge the gay bullet for the duration of the competition and then bring it all back up after they lose to get a little more mileage out of their runner-up status.

It works. It's the time-tested Idol model. After you lose, come out of the closet so no one forgets who you are. Throw in a baby or a saucy photo and instant magazine cover.