Today's Top 40 Spectrum: From Jason Derulo To Crap!

I've been listening to a lot of Top 40 this month. Like way more than usual. And so, when a few days I realized I was about due to update Today's Top 40 Spectrum, I assumed it would be a great post chock full of the hits indicative of this supposed surprising upswing in quality pop music. Upon visiting the charts of both pop stations in town, turns out my judgment and listening habits were simply marred by the recent awesomeness of "Carry Out" and "Bedrock". Too bad so sad. Big shocker, Top 40 music still sucks, right? Luckily the one at the top of the spectrum is actually objectively awesome (no arguments!), otherwise I might have to reconsider my ability to properly judge the output of the mainstream music industry. Ha! That would have been scary! Anyway, here are your month's big jams (sorry Brigitte/Qualler, "Telephone" by the Gag-ster is still on the outset of both stations' Top 5), ranked from best to worst.



"In My Head" by Jason Derulo: Seriously though, this song is the major ish. It's at the top of KDWB's playlist, so I'm leaning toward thinking they're still the better station, despite the new guy in town 96.3NOW!'s obnoxious DJ abstinence. In fact, Jerksica just asked me the other day what was my favorite song on Top 40 now and the only number that came to mind was this one. All the way back to when I first heard it (think wayyy back in January!) I was happy to finally be able to pay attention to Derulo's talent without the obfuscation of Imogen Heap's warble on his first, more successful single, "Whatcha Say", which you can for some reason hear a bit of at the beginning and ending of his video for this new one. While it doesn't have the trademark gimmick of the former, I think this new totally solo offering is actually much better written and executed pop song. It's a little glossy and mechanical, yes, even by Top 40 standards, but the man can sing. Even if it is Autotuned, it's not rubbed in our faces, and there's real G-D melodies that are all neatly packaged in beautiful verse, pre-chorus, and chorus segments that go down like neon fruit juice. Sickly sweet, but refreshing and tart as all get out. Yummers.



"Imma Be" by Black Eyed Peas: I think Black Eyed Peas are one of those artists that I like to pretend to hate, because I'll say they're awful, degenerates, and worse, all for hours upon hours until kingdom come, but whenever it comes down to a Top 40 Spectrum, they always somehow edge near the top of the list. Quite simply, though, it's basically because when put in a group of other awful degenerates, they end up looking good by comparison. Kinda like the kid in gym class that drives you nuts, but when it comes to be your turn to be team captain and pick players, he'll always be your second or third choice, because hell if you're gonna have any of those other idiot pricks on your team. I mean this song (and long-form video, if you dare click play above to see the Peas "act" and then string two of their songs together to tell a Transformers-esque tale) is positively dreadful by all basic aural accounts, but when compared to most pop music, you can't help but begrudgingly give them props that they a) have culled together enough different trends to make a sound their own, and b) they're a true group that alternates between singers/rappers without a bevy of guests, which is comforting. Even though it sucks.



"Say Aah" by Trey Songz & Fabolous: Speaking of sucking...no, I'm not going to go there. But newcomer Trey Songz and where-the-hell-have-you-been-and-why-are-you-back rapper Fabolous sure are! Their new collaborative hit single is so proud of its overly crass "pour a drink in her mouth" symbolism that they're not afraid to literally paint you a very exact picture of both what they'd like to do with their unnamed object of affection, but also how they plan on achieving said feat with ease (psst, it has to do with copious booze!) and hopefully few lawsuits. After all, subtlety doesn't belong on the commercial airwaves, right? What's most hilariously wretched about this very unfortunately infectious tune is that Songz does bad enough at keeping his big not-so-clandestine message on the down low (I actually do enjoy the Scottie Pippen and Simpsons references), but when F-A-B-O drops in, he takes the thin layer of mystery off the whole shebang and basically grunts that he's gotta "bust a couple off" after he "prescribes" his woman "nothing but cranberry and vodka." Gross and hilarious, but mostly gross.


"Tie Me Down" by New Boyz & Ray J: You can probably guess, if you haven't heard this song, what its message is. But let me point out my favorite/its most disturbing lyric. And I quote - "You know I'm a man and I have no feelings." The seventeen-year-old New Boyz go on to call the woman who are trying to get them to be monogamous hoes, as do they wish aloud that they just would shut up for once. As sad as it may be, I expect this from teenagers. From the 29-year-old Ray J, however? For the love of pop music, Ray J, just because you can sing and your career flamed out after the admittedly catchy "Sexy Can I" and your ridiculous MTV show doesn't mean you should be hopping on board with misguided youth as they decry the female gender while they ride their 15 minutes of fame wave. In a year or so they will look back at their failed career as a Kriss Kross for the current generation, realize they made a hit song with someone twelve years older than them, hunt you down, and yell into your dumb face - "Why did you let us do this? Why didn't you say anything?!" And you will feel even more regret in that singular moment than you have in your entire pathetic existence.



"Need You Now" by Lady Antebellum: YouTube embedding is disabled by request, and you should be thankful about that. If there's one thing worse than Taylor Swift's new single being (as Qualler so eloquently puts it (Editor's note: I must give credit to Amelie Gillette for this term) "a parody of a Taylor Swift song", it's that her twang-tinged pop has influenced popularity of boring trash like this. So listening to it is big enough of a request, I wouldn't dare make you also watch them sing it. But just listen to the chorus to get the point and then turn it off. You call that a hook, Lady Before-The-War (thank you seventh grade etymology class!)? You call THAT a hook? I'll take misogynist faux-hip hop over that anyday! (Kill me now.)

Off The Couch And Into The Theater: March 2010

There are a crapload of movies coming out this month. I don't even know why, other than maybe hoping spring break rushes kids into the theaters to see a whole bunch of mediocre retread? You know Hollywood's going down the tubes when the most promising wide release in the next thirty days features time travel via jacuzzi. And judging by my past month of movie-going habits when I had tons of Oscar bait options in my mist and still failed to see more than a few flicks, I am not going to do any better at attending the cinema with the following schlock at my fingertips. Or does it actually mean I'll be more likely because I actually hate myself and somehow revel in flocking to the theater for so-so films? Anyway, my February viewings of Crazy Heart, the Oscar Nominated Live Action Shorts, and Precious were all kind of a wash anyway. They all had their definite upsides (good acting, well made, etc.) but none really stood out to me in any phantasmagorical way except the Denmark-made "The New Tenants" from my Oscar shorts excursion, which better win Sunday night or I will cry like the big dumb baby that I am. Here are your March 2010 releases (with "Will I See It?" percentages in parentheses):

Mar 5th: Tim Burton's Alice in Wonderland (73%) looks like one more in a long line of old story-rehashing with an overdone creepy aesthetic that is more boring than it is engaging. Even if it is in 3D this time. Richard Gere, Don Cheadle, and Ethan Hawke all play cops with intertwining personal dramas in Brooklyn's Finest (34%), which sounds as appealing as rewatching any of those actors' other mainstream films, though I am a sucker for watching cop movies by myself on Nerdflix years later. Roman Polanski's The Ghost Writer (48%) unfortunately has nothing to do with the PBS kids drama about a ghost that helps you solve crimes through writing and therefore I see little to no reason to see it, except that I can't help but be curious by Polanski's inability to make a good movie post-1980. St. John of Las Vegas (4%), which was supposed to come out last month, finally gets its release this weekend, and I still don't care about an over-stylized Steve Buscemi as an insurance fraud investigator trying to win the heart of Sarah Silverman.

Mar 12th: Paul Greengrass for some reason decides to cast Matt Damon as a character just like Jason Bourne (oh yeah, probably because those movies were hits) but isn't in Green Zone (56%), which I might see just because I remember liking that last Bourne movie. Edward Cullen shows he can be sad and romantic but not a vampire this time with Emilie de Raivin in Remember Me (10%) and I don't really know what it's about but it really doesn't matter, does it? Jay Baruchel somehow landed a leading role in She's Out of My League (61%), which is a bland romantic comedy that I will most likely see just because of the tangential Judd Apatow connection. Our Family Wedding (8%) is a wide release film starring Forest Whitaker that is a pretty self-explanatory light drama that I had never heard of before until just now. A Prophet (82%) is an Oscar-nominated foreign language film about an Arab man who becomes a Mafia kingpin when sentenced to a lengthy prison term, so since I'm watching The Sopranos now and am in the midst of teaching The Godfather, this one's a given. The Red Riding trilogy (55%) looks like it has potential even though somehow one of the cops from Hot Fuzz is the main detective in this dark historical noir, but I am not sure how I'll be able to see three movies within a few weeks time and so I might wait until DVD altogether. A Town Called Panic (64%), an stop-motion animated flick with cowboy and Indian figurines, could either be riotously awesome or dreadfully dumb. Finally, the fourth film opening at the arthouses this weekend is The Yellow Handkerchief (13%), in which strangers played by William Hurt, Kristen Stewart, and Maria Bello somehow end up on a road trip through Louisiana together. Snoozefest alert!

Mar 19th: Somehow not a generic action flick, The Bounty Hunter (1%) is this year's requisite Gerard Butler offensively sexist romantic comedy, this time co-starring Jennifer Aniston. Diary of a Wimpy Kid (15%) is yet another mainstream release that I didn't know existed until now, and apparently it's based off a popular book about a smart-ass junior high kid. Steve Zahn is in the mix somewhere I guess. The Runaways (90%) is the Joan Jett and co. biopic, following Kristen Stewart, Dakota Fanning, and more as they pretend to be punk rock chix. The tepid reviews from Sundance are the only thing keeping me from seeing this otherwise entertaining-looking flick. Repo Men (35%) is unfortunately not the sequel to the non-plural Emilio Estevez cult fave, but rather an action-version of Repo! The Genetic Opera, about illegal organ hunting starring Jude Law and Liev Schreiber. Sounds trashy, possibly fun, and definitely terrible. The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo (49%) is an indie thriller, so it automatically bypasses the 40% mark, but it looks dull because it's about a computer hacker, so it can't quite break the halfway threshold. Fish Tank (42%) looks like it may be a hipster mumblecore pain in the ass, but then again, those movies also always have potential because they are sparse and haunting as much as they are boring. This one's about a 15-year-old whose mother brings home a new boyfriend. Mother (45%) is once again an indie thriller, but is also Asian, which gives it bonus points, but also sounds like your typical revenge flick (mother looks for revenge on son who was framed for murder) so it also doesn't quite make the halfway mark. Art of the Steal (78%) looks like a fascinating documentary (not always an oxymoron) about how somebody tried to legally seize the art gallery fortunes of a man who voraciously fought for having a museum in the Pennsylvanian countryside rather than in a sterile downtown setting.

Mar 26th: The best Dreamworks can come up with combat Avatar is How to Train Your Dragon (14%), which looks like a mopey animated-for-kids version of just the dragon training scene from the aforementioned blockbuster over and over again. Hot Tub Time Machine (97%), as much as I may hate to admit it, will definitely get seen even though I still haven't laughed at anything in its trailer. And so goes the sad inevitabilities of life. Greenberg (86%) is the latest Noah Baumbach (The Squid & The Whale, Margot At the Wedding) creation and thus I will most assuredly see it, especially since it seems to be Ben Stiller's chance to redeem himself and do something more low key for the first time in years. Terribly Happy (73%) is a Danish cop flick, so it gets way more percentage points than any American cop flick, and it involves a policeman who's prone to nervous breakdowns, so that makes it introspective, thus even more points. Neil Young Trunk Show (2%) is a Neil Young concert film that's finally getting its arthouse release and although I respect the man's talents, I have never clicked with his music. Chloe (67%) is Atom Egoyan's latest melodrama, and I'm glad I finally saw last year's Adoration, so I'm going to put more of an effort into catching this one in the theater. Lastly, City Island (26%) is yet another family comedy drama, this time taking place on Staten Island and starring Andy Garcia as the patriarch, so it really doesn't bear any grand interest to me.

The Quest Continues: The Blockbuster Jams Of 1998

I'm so weary about 1998. I mean, the purpose of this Quest for the Single Finest Film of Our Generation is to find the film whose nostalgia value equals its current re-watch value. These two requirements (nevermind the fact that the Quest officially ended months ago with Home Alone ultimately clinching the title, thanks to your votes) coupled in my mind with the films of 1998, a year when most of us started legally driving cars, either with or without parental supervision. This is a significant year (don't worry, we'll go back to the 80s next month, or you can vote for 1988 here, but I must air these grievances before they make my head explode) because either movies started sucking entertainment value-wise or my brain started idiotically maturing and craving pretentious artsy stuff. Case in point: Saving Private Ryan, A Bug's Life, The Waterboy, and Doctor Dolittle. These four films, all top ten box office grossers for the year in question, all sucked (full disclosure: I never saw A Bug's Life). Sure I gobbled up Spielberg's war epic like everyone else, but I don't think I ever had a desire to see it again or talk about the suspense-riddled battle sequences. Other than that though, I did not enjoy my time at the theater for any of these films. However, I was able to find five films in the top ten that did tickle my proverbial cinema pickle that year, and they are laid out (vote for your fave!) below...

Armageddon: My admiration for this atrocious film proves that I was not as smart as I wanted to be as a 15-year-old, and thus suggests that 1998 does deserve to be a year included on the journey of the Quest (redundant?) as I originally thought (1998 was considered in my original post that kicked off the Quest, but ultimately ignored as the Quest dwindled to its first close). Where's the proof? Well two things come to mind: 1) I once cried at the ending, when the courageous Bruce Willis gave his life so his daughter Liv Tyler could marry Ben Affleck (paging Dr. Freud) as I viewed it for the third or fourth time while sick from school my junior or possibly even senior year, and 2) it was presented in my first college film study class as "the worst movie ever made" with a lot of good arguments made, including the fact that no shot lasts for more than 2-3 seconds, providing a launchpad for the ADD generation that was to follow. Too bad that just made me like the film more. Thus, my official vote goes to Armageddon.

There's Something About Mary: I won't lie. I absolutely loved my first time seeing this movie. Saw it with my brother at the hometown theater on a hot summer weekday afternoon when there were approximately six other people in attendance. The movie had been out for a while at that point and I was excited to finally see that movie that critics both acclaimed and called "gross" simultaneously. A rare treat for teen film dweeb boys. Upon my first viewing (which I'm emphasizing multiple times here on purpose) I was geeking out alongside my brother at all the disgusting gags that (deservedly or undeservedly is up for debate) the Farrelly brothers got away with. That said, upon repeat viewings the only thing that stands up is the Brett Favre joke and Jonathan Richman as the town troubadour. Other than that, it's a big mess of a movie, lacking sympathetic characters and timeless humor, especially because it's the sad kind of funny that can easily get one-upped a couple years later by the next "breakout comedy" - cough cough The Hangover.

Rush Hour: Okay, get over it. I remember vaguely liking Rush Hour when I first saw it. I was one of those pre-teens that went to see those dubbed Jackie Chan movies, so when he finally got a starring role in a big-budget English-language flick, I was interested. Also, Chris Tucker's portrayal of DJ Ruby Rhod in The Fifth Element is one of my favorite performance of all time; nostalgia doesn't even play a factor in that decision. So I just assumed I would think Rush Hour was a hilarious buddy action flick reviving the great tradition of Lethal Weapon or Beverly Hills Cop. Well, I was wrong, and I was also very wrong. But this grand illusion in my 15-year-old brain at least held strong through 1998, and I still have guiltily fond memories of the racist "Do you hear the words that are coming out of my mouth?"-type moments as Chan and Tucker glazed through an uber-mediocre script and came out as two of the worst contributors to late-90s cinema. They shall never be forgiven. [Prediction: Tucker wins an Oscar in 2019.]

Deep Impact: Even as I google image search Deep Impact I swear some of the results are stills from Armageddon. It's too bad because while it doesn't have the laugh-a-minute re-watch value of its more successful competitor, as recent as two-ish years ago I probably would have told you it's the better movie. And in many ways, it is. It's more thoughtful (even if it's equally as saccharine), it's less tacky (even if its emotional manipulations are just as gaudy), and it has freaking Morgan Freeman as president. All that aside, I don't remember anything about this movie and I think I only watched it one additional time when it came out on video. However, I do remember being more touched by it (rather than, say, exclaiming "hellz yeah Amerika!" in my head) than its more brutal and star-studded counterpart.

Godzilla: This is a very bad movie. Very bad. I remember watching it on video a few times when putting together a music video project for my high school Radio & TV class (showing the Chrysler building exploding to stupidly 'symbolize' the lyric "A man drives a plane into the Chrysler building" from Soul Coughing's "Is Chicago, Is Not Chicago") and thinking to myself, I wish this was just a movie about Matthew Broderick's character, and no big monster destroying New York City. On the same token, it was the big event movie of the year and it was also the death knell of big event movies for the next couple years. In that way, it was kind of important I guess? Roland Emmerich went to the ends of the earth special effects-wise (oh the soundtrack too was a sort of death knell of event movie soundtracks, with the Puff Daddy rap over Led Zep's "Kashmir") and still came up short. Nevertheless, I remember being entertained in the theater much in the same way I was during Rush Hour and only harbor minor ill will toward it. As a blooming pretentious kid, I also thought the fact that two characters bearing the resemblance/nomenclature of Siskel and Ebert was clever at the time, although now I just see it as mean-spirited.

Network Television Rundown (Oh And One HBO Show - Deal With It Qualler!)

In the beloved tradition of Qualler's semi-regular Cable Television Rundown feature, I present to you a rare treat: thoughts on new television shows from yours truly! Now I considered coming up with some grand hilarious metaphor for each show like Qualler's become so skilled at doing, but I don't want to step on his toes toooo much, so I'm trying something else. Now the latest batch of (scripted - I'll leave the reality TV talk to Brigitte and Lady Amy) network mid-season programming is by and large forgettable, as it usually is, while also predictable to the point of triteness is that the new HBO show How To Make It In America, which premiered Sunday night, is a distinct cut above your average commoner-enticing commercial-laden idiot box content. In an attempt to show how easy it would be for network heads to turn their lame attempts at obtaining new viewers by making their programming just a little more intelligent, I will be reviewing the first three shows as if they were designed for HBO and How To Make It In America as if it were another bumbling half-hour sitcom on CBS, FOX, NBC, or ABC.

The Deep End: Featuring the criminally underrated character actor Billy Zane as head partner of a morally ambiguous law firm, the new spring drama follows four fresh-faced first year lawyers, including Big Love's Tina Majorino, as they dive into cases defending various known Los Angeles kingpin gangsters. Suspicious of the firm's backdoor dealings and public corruption charges, the rookies attempt to put aside their own problems (law school-inspired alcoholism, workaholic-inspired divorce) and band together to figure out the real agenda for the case, which sprawls and unfolds over the course of the first season. With taut suspense and no soap opera theatrics, The Deep End is sure to be the first original lawyer-themed drama in years: an exciting combination of Damages and The Wire. [Sad Reality Sets In: It's actually just another lame ABC attempt at combining the glossy quirk of Boston Legal and hot bod 20-something attraction of Melrose Place, all in boring self-contained format.]

Human Target: Harking back to the first two seasons of 24, but with the no-holds-barred B-movie grittiness of late-70s revenge flicks, television mainstay Mark Valley stars as Christopher Chance, a mysterious man who works as his own security team. With a little help from two venerable sidekicks played with scenery-chewing aplomb by Chi McBride and Jackie Earle Haley, the trio stakes Chance out in high-stakes scenarios, aiming to lure out and catch terrorists, murderers, rapists, and more as he acts as a block of cheese in a mouse trap for his high-paying clients. Self-aware humor is sprinkled delightfully throughout the post-noir suspense series. After a couple enjoyable self-contained eps to get the ball rolling, Human Target really hits its stride when Chance finds himself embroiled in an ongoing battle with "The Onlooker", an embittered rival that looks to take down Chance and his team over a dense nine-episode story arc with plot twists, clues as to the identity of "The Onlooker" and only minor love story distractions. [Sad Reality Sets In: It's a hokey one-note action series with too many chase sequences and hand-to-hand combat battles.]

Past Life: Finally topping Fringe as the paranormal show du jour is Past Life, a show whose ridonkulous premise is handled so delicately and emotionally that one can't help but get wrapped up in its ongoing Lynchian mystery. Nicholas Bishop plays Detective Price Whatley, a modern day Agent Dale Cooper, who's (after a shady past) been forcefully enrolled in the search for a killer in rural upstate New York. What he really didn't sign up for though is his partner Kate McGinn, the town's resident new age-believing sheriff, who guides him through the strange town's cast of characters, including her deputy (played with stoic perfection by The West Wing's Richard Schiff) and the show's subject in question: a spooked teenage boy named Noah who claims he remembers being murdered. Together, Whatley, McGinn, and Deputy Talmadge work together to solve the X-Files-esque mystery by the end of the first mind-bending season. [Sad Reality Sets In: It's Fringe, except with weekly reincarnation mysteries to be solved by the two most generic lead actors you could ever imagine.]

How To Make It In America: What a waste of time. Completely unsympathetic twenty-something characters mope around New York City and we're supposed to be laughing at it? At least that's what the laugh track suggests. They're trying to become entrepreneurs of some kind, I guess, but it seems the real focus is how the group of friends all end up sleeping with each others' ex and current significant others. There's no style as it's all shot like every city-centered half-hour sitcom, and the principals are all culled together from American Apparel ads and former failed dramas. There's even a rapper as one of the friends to show that it can be "multicultural." [Relieving Reality Sets In: It has almost none of the self-loving/loathing swagger of Entourage and the alternately realistic and stylistic directing puts the viewer directly into modern day NYC. The characters are aimless and lost, both idiotic and vulnerable, and the pilot ep makes me want to journey through their wandering with them as they try to find their footing in life as post-college nobodies in a city that eats people like them for breakfast everyday.]

Today's Top 40 Spectrum: Addiction Is A Delightful Disease

In case you haven't heard, there's a new Top 40 station in town here in Minneapolis. Formerly B96, your place for strictly hip hop and R&B jams, they've morphed into 96.3 NOW with the tag line "the most hit music." Ultimately, things haven't changed much; they just play the same songs as KDWB, meaning a straight-up pop song or guitar track might sneak in there. They were playing Lady Gaga throughout most of 2009, so this switch wasn't exactly surprising, but it does make for interesting comparisons between playlists between them and the traditional Top 40 Twin Cities mainstay KDWB. Also marketing tactics such as "Commercial Free Mondays" have popped up, which is nice so I can make sure to hear more of the Top 40 on one particular day of the week, though with both of them running through the spectrum, whenever one is on commercials I can go to the other and most likely chill there for a bit. The ability to do this, however, has made me overdose a bit on Top 40 lately. It made me think that Top 40's in a really good spot right now, but as I look at the top five songs on each station's playlist (as I plan on doing from here on out for this feature) it turns out it really hasn't improved: it's just gotten me addicted. Nevertheless, here's the first Top 40 Spectrum for 2010, for better or worse...



"Carry Out" by Timbaland & Justin Timberlake: No video yet for this monster single, but there will surely be one soon, and I can only hope that the food metaphors get translated along the way. Yes, JT and man behind his beats both get on the mic to talk about booties in a way that has been catching on for a while now (Lil Wayne arguably popularized this strange new trend): imagine if we could express lust in a slang covered in references to drive-thrus, IHOP, and supersizing. And yet, as weird as it is, these guys succeed. Now I thought it was slightly droll and negligibly groovy upon my first listen, but I just dismissed it as another limp collab effort. But then my addiction kicked in, Jerksica gave it her stamp of approval, and voila, I'm digging its silly yet clever ways of communicating "let's get together...if you know what I'm saying."



"Bedrock" by Young Money: Let's be clear. I like this song a lot better when I tune in after Lil Wayne has delivered his snaky intro verse. Maybe even after the dopey Gudda verse too. Hell let's just focus on the chorus for this superstar track. A student introduced me to the dude (Lloyd) behind this song's ridiculously awesome chorus about a year ago and I knew the guy had style then. I'm glad he's getting true Top 40 play, because he's like Ne-Yo with a sense of humor, or John Legend with street cred. And unlike Weezy and his contemporaries, Mr. Lloyd can SING. "Call me Mr. Flintstone, I can make your bedrock" is going to be the most memorable lyric of 2010; I'm calling it now. Also that middle verse between Nicki and Drake is sick, because we need more female rappers and this Drake guy while not spectacular at least has a nice calm delivery. I wish the rest of the song was just the chorus over and over though.



"Whataya Want From Me" by Adam Lambert: Kris Allen's track, not quite to the top of pops yet, is actually not half bad. At the end of the day, after getting past the Mraz-esque verses, there's a decent soaring chorus to be heard, thereby making it not much worse than Adam Lambert's big hit here. To compare, the chorus of "Whataya Want From Me" is actually quite forgettable, especially because it falls victim to "just-repeat-the-song-title-over-and-over" syndrome, which is too bad. However, that guitar riff in the verses has a strong emotional tinge to it as it coils up and down on top of nothing but a simple drum beat and Lambert's coarse croon. But then the big arena sound comes in to destroy it to pieces, turning the aching rubble into a blinding beam of white noise. Oh well, try better next time, Adam.



"Evacuate The Dance Floor" by Cascada: I straight-up turn off the radio whenever I hear this song. I usually don't even switch to a CD or Radio K. I just press the power button and allow myself a moment to breathe before I let my ears ingest any more music. And this song is played even more than "Tik Tok" now, which is a damn shame. It's not even that it's particularly annoying, though it is. It's more that it's so blandly loud that until a few days ago I still wondered if it was that old Lady Gaga song about dancing that I don't like or a new Britney track that whizzed past my radar, as so many of her new singles tend to do. It's boring. It's generic. And it's effing LOUD! It's like when those really loud commercials come on suddenly; they're not really that annoying or out of place, they're just for whatever reason way louder than the previous ad. [Sidenote: I heard this was supposed to be made illegal on the TV! When will this go into effect?]



"I Look So Good" by Jessie James: So how could it possibly get worse from the track above, at least in my opinion? Well by putting a song in the top five that isn't necessarily loud or gratingly dull, but just fully ignored by my eardrums. I know I've heard this song, but, if you can follow me here, I'm not sure if I've ever really HEARD this song. Know what I mean? I definitely never listened to it if I ever stumbled across it on the radio, but if I did, I did not even hear the throaty wail of this country popstress nor did I hear the clanging ride cymbal or stock handclap effects. Rather, as I blasted it in my car, I only heard the sound of slush whipping through my tire treads, the whooshing by of cars and semis, and the slight honking of horns in the distance. This song, by all accounts, does not exist in my personal history of pop music. Let us move on and never speak of it again.

P.S. They won't dare chart it in the top five, but "Blame it on the Pop 2009", DJ Earworm's phenomenal mash-up of the top 25 Billboard hits of 2009, is getting some serious airplay on KDWB and it's awesome. Do check it out.

P.P.S. For non-Top 40 musings, don't forget to check out my ongoing rundown of my faves of 2009 at I can't come home, Grace. I'm an adult.

Off The Couch And Into The Theater: February 2010

Before we head into the releases for the upcoming month, a quick review of films viewed in January: the largesse of Avatar was undeniable and yet it also contained some of the most revoltingly offensive/hypocritical messages and lazy storytelling tactics of all time. So depending on what mood I'm in, I'll tell you it's awesome or it's terrible. The truth is, it's both, though as time passes, my fondness for the film's sheer entertainment/immersiveness value wanes, like my fondness for most popcorn movies do nowadays. That said, Brigitte's weekly fan fiction proves that Avatar's existence has a worthwhile purpose. Youth In Revolt was a surprisingly decent entry in the pretentious indie teenager genre, often making up for its manic and amateur qualities with magnetic dialogue and great supporting performances from Ray Liotta and Fred Willard. An Education, which I'm still not sure how I ended up buying tickets for, was (as I could have predicted if it weren't for the positive critical buzz) a bore, a chore, and didactically confused, to say the least. A small interesting nugget of 60s feminism frustration gleamed through its sluggish script and unsympathetic characters, but never enough to actually say something coherent. Peter Saarsgard is still one of my least favorite actors (creepazoid city!) and the movie's ending made me text DoktorPeace, "Adventureland is wayyyy better than An Education." Now here are February's releases (mostly crap) with Will-I-See-It percentages in parentheses...

Feb 5th: Amanda Seyfried over-narrates the latest Nicholas Sparks ocean-tide-as-metaphor-for-everlasting-love adaptation Dear John (4%) alongside Channing Tatum, who is an actor that deserves an award for being even less recognizable than Sam Worthington. John Travolta apparently went straight from the Taking of Pelham 1 2 3 set to the sound stage for his new action flick From Paris With Love (42%), where he plays the exact same villain with the exact same bald head and goatee. Too bad this time he's opposite Jonathan Rhys Meyers, who was kind of like the Channing Tatum of the 90s (but with an accent!) instead of Denzel. At least Denzel knows how to scream convincingly. Dubbed as "Open Water on a ski-lift", Frozen (54%) is -- uhh -- about people that get stuck on a ski lift, possibly with some kind of murderer involved. Don't care enough to research it, but am interested enough in the gimmick to tip this over the halfway percentage mark. I'm nonsensical like that. Over at the indies, District 13: Ultimatum (39%), which has no relation to last year's District 9, is Luc Besson's (The Professional, The Fifth Element) umpteenth attempt at regained relevancy, and while I'm sure it's pretty and action-packed, you're going to have to be more creative than just "urban sector run by gang bosses needs a hero", sorry Luc. The trailer for Creation (33%) has Paul Bettany as Charles Darwin touching his fingers gently to a monkey's fingers with his mouth agape as a bright light swells behind them. It's hilarious. I'm glad trite indie biopics are finally getting the parody treatment. Wait, it's not a parody? Speaking of biopics, The Last Station (12%) is about Tolstoy something something (falls asleep). Sorry, I know I'm an English teacher, but man, what a drag. I really don't care about watching Christopher Plummer in a ratty beard pontificating all actorly-like with James McAvoy for two hours.

Feb 12th: From the depths of editing, focus group, and re-shoot hell comes Benicio Del Toro as The Wolfman (70%), which I will probably see and get sad about, even though I'm fine with An American Werewolf in London being the only good lycanthropic film in history. Valentine's Day (28%) is like Love, Actually but like, you know, less deep? Is that even possible? Another dilution of hyperlink cinema, it follows various intertwining couples as they break up and make up, surely in a very fluffy manner. Yawn. Meanwhile, Percy Jackson & The Olympians: The Lightning Thief (31%) rides the Harry Potter coattails with its chosen-tween thematics, this time with Poseidon's son getting the reins to do something completely magical and dramatic while the wind blows in his hair/fins. I'll admit, for a movie aimed at 10-year-olds, it looks vacantly entertaining. Kurosawa's classic Rashomon (78%), otherwise known as the original Vantage Point by idiots everywhere, gets an epic re-release at the Minneapolis arthouse, and if you haven't seen it, I'll probably talk you into going if we're not too busy catching up on our Oscar nominee consumption. Lastly, St. John of Las Vegas (52%) is one of those unfortunate insufferable indies with a great cast and a disgusting sheen of quirk and self-deprecation smeared across its film stock. Former gambling addict, current insurance fraud investigator Steve Buscemi gets talked into returning to Sin City with his partner Romany Malco by his boss Peter Dinklage, all the while longing for his co-worker Sarah Silverman. It could be so good, but its horn-inflected soundtrack and brightly-lit cinematography ensures us it will be unbearable.

Feb 19th: Marty Scorsese doesn't get much competition this weekend as he releases the long-awaited Shutter Island (100%), which has him returning to his less serious, more pulpy Cape Fear side. This is exciting for me because I think the best thing about The Departed was its sly and clever dialogue and pacing. Let's hope he gets equally outlandish here, all while making the suspense taut and gritty, like Affleck did with previous Lehane source material in Gone Baby Gone, not like Eastwood did with Lehane source material in Mystic River. The one other official release of the weekend is the German/Austrian film North Face (6%), about two Nazis who tried to climb an insurmountable mountain once. If I could never have another mountain-climbing movie come out in theaters in my lifetime, I'd die a happy man. The weekend will also be blessed with the annual indieplex release of the Oscar Nominated Shorts (98%), which have become a staple tradition amongst the Minneapolis Blogulator staffers, though with ticket prices soaring and award-nominated short films coming to iTunes faster, I'd say there's a slight possibility that we'll just hole up in somebody's apartment with a laptop and enjoy them sometime before the big show.

Feb 26th: For the final weekend of the month, which is apparently also wacky movie title weekend, we start first with The Crazies (:-/%), about a small town that gets infected by a dangerous toxin that turns everyone...you guessed it, cuckoo for blood. Timothy Olyphant is in it, if that matters to you, and it's based on a 1973 horror shlock flick of the same name, but I think that after The Strangers, I'm done with modern mainstream slasher flicks. Formerly titled A Couple of Dicks, Cop Out (63%) has Kevin Smith trying out the action-comedy genre, surely with intensely failed results. Even with genre mainstay Bruce Willis and co-star of the imaginary genre flick White Cop/Black Cop ("One does the duty, the other gets the booty!"), Tracy Morgan, I don't see how this could turn out anything but an overly self-aware cliched mess. Nevertheless, I'm curious. And finally, we have 44 Inch Chest (48%), a flick with some powerhouse actors like Ray Winstone, Ian McShane, and Tom Wilkinson who team up to kidnap and torture the not-so-secret-anymore lover of Winstone's wife. It could be interesting, and definitely sounds like something 16-year-old me would want to see, but in a post-torture-porn society (is it too premature to use that phrase?), I don't know if I could stomach it.

What are yallz excited 'bout? Now that the Oscar noms have been announced, which ones must you see before the big show in March?

The Quest Continues: The Films Of 1988

So here's where things start getting tricky. I only believe I saw two of the films below in the movie theater. But the other three were such monumental staples in my cable TV watching habits as young 'un that they deserve the extended nomination as well. On the outset of the chosen five of the top box office champs of 1988 are two films that I did indeed watch without much concentration one or twice some rainy afternoon: Twins and Rain Man. I believe they deserve mention here, because some of you out there might want to make an argument for them. I do not. Judge Wapner and hilarious mix-ups at birth never tickled my fancy. But if they did for you, let it be heard. For now, let's look at my personal suggestions for the first round of standouts from 1988, after a particular stinging defeat of Honey I Shrunk The Kids by Indiana Jones And The Last Crusade. What will join the ranks of the classic Harrison Ford and Sean Connery team-up vehicle? Let's take a look-see...

Who Framed Roger Rabbit?: As usual, let's start with what gets my vote. Let's face it. Not only was this revolutionary (though can it really be called revolutionary when the only movie that tried to follow in its wake were Cool World?) piece of cinema the original Avatar, where people oohed and ahhhed at something newfangled that the technology of the movies brought to our eyeballs, but gosh darnit, this movie has a great story behind it too, unlike the other. Bob Hoskins proved he could carry a film (though it would be his last time) as a rather dark alcoholic anti-hero (to think I was watching glimpses of film noir when I was only five!) and Christopher Lloyd proved he could be one of the scariest villains ever (my stomach still reels at the thought of that shoe being lowered into that vat of cartoon-killing acid!) and in between them both were layers and layers of intrigue and mystery. Man I wanna watch this right now! Which is exactly the kind of feeling that should be considered most when voting for The Quest.

Coming To America: Then again, we shouldn't just ignore the power of TBS. The network had a profound effect on me as a child, introducing me to the gargantuan subgenre that is the 1980s adult comedy. And yes, the film was largely neutered to the point of inanity, but that's where the video store came in handy. You'd see a film like Eddie Murphy's Coming To America, the first of his movies (by the way) to feature the man playing multiple characters, a motif that America would love for years to come (often, if not always, with little to no reason), and you'd giggle at the way the main characters smiled and didn't understand the ways of the modern world (because he was from Africa, you see, where people talk funny and marvel at consumerist conveniences), but it seemed so harmless. Then you got your mom or your friend's mom to rent the unedited version from Blockbuster for you so you could see the boobs. Double-score!

Big: I think this was more often seen on TNT, often alongside Turner & Hooch (which I hope will be covered at some point during The Quest). Now I've always appreciated the whimsical fancy of Big just as much as the next guy, but I was never really bowled over by it. Even to pre-teen me, I just always found the story and its execution so...vanilla. There's was nothing outstanding to it, nor was there anything particularly unappealing about it either, but it was just there. The FAO Schwartz scene is memorable, yes, as is the jumping-on-the-bed-as-an-adult revelation (I continue to do this at every hotel I frequent to this day), but other than that, Tom Hanks and Penny Marshall seemingly teamed up for a simple, serviceable parable that would attract parents and their kids simultaneously, and for that, it's an admirable business achievement. It's just that it's almost so universal of a tale that it gets bogged down in its lack of definable personal connection. That said, I would love to revisit this in a non-casual non-cable-on-a-laundry-day setting someday to properly evaluate it.

Crocodile Dundee II: Yup, this was one of the highest grossing movies of 1988. And yes, I saw it. In the theaters. Twice. Both with my mom. I was five! Once when it first came out (the original Dundee was a favorite of my dad's, apparently, right next to his favorite film, Das Boot - what a weird spectrum of movie-loving, huh? - so I think we kind of went just out of solidarity for my dad's taste in movies) and another when it was at the second-run Budget Cinemas. I remember busting a gut ten times over...both times. I remember my mom busting a gut ten times over...both times. I don't remember a single thing except for Paul Hogan's leathery tan. Do I ever want to see this movie again? I don't think so, but I wouldn't change the channel if I came across it.

Die Hard: I remember getting little to no echoed sentiments re: Die Hard With A Vengeance after the ill-fated 1995 entry of The Quest, so it is with much trepidation that I even bring up the original here. But by Jove, this little flick (so much more so than any of its successors that it's almost ridiculous) should be viewed at least five times by anyone wishing to call themselves a fan of the bloated American action film. It's such a simple premise (skyscraper held hostage, down-on-his-luck detective has to save the day) that has been done over hundreds of times by now, but none has equaled its brutality, its balance of humor and terror, or its layers upon layers of potential film geek analysis of how Hollywood peaked at its representation of American/foreign economic relations in the 1980s with this movie (sorry, CSCL 1920 is still the best class I ever took!). John McClane is the action genre's most lovable eff-up and Alan Rickman's Hans Gruber still tops the list of best action villains. Yippe-kay-ay, motherlovers!

Top 10 of the Top 40 in 2009

Despite the last two tracks ultimately being space filler I could take or leave with little to no qualms, #s 1-8 are definitely the pinnacle of Top 40 beauty in 2009. And to me, that's a hell of a lot of great songs for a classification of music known to corrode souls and devolve brain usage. So color me excited that upon this new year of 2010, the resident "hip hop" station in town decided to switch its format to, you guessed it, Top 40. Now I will have charts from two radio sites to analyze and help determine my monthly Top 40 Spectrum! Huzzah! Let's see how this past year in pop clocked in first...



10. "My Life Would Suck Without You" by Kelly Clarkson
Slinky metallic but adorably friendly guitar riff a la the more unforgettable "Since U Been Gone"? Check. Anthemic rip-roaring chorus with a bit of wry humor and unapologetic directness thrown in for good measure a la the almighty predecessor "Since U Been Gone"? Double check. Using the word "suck", a killer toy/plastic-sounding drum fill, and a richer bed of whirring keys, making the track just a tad distinctive from her indie-friendly hit-to-end-all-hits "Since U Been Gone"? Yup, good work Clarkson, you almost got labeled with a big fat "retread" tag!



9. "You Found Me" by The Fray
I don't know about you, but songs that start off with a dude pretending his voice is slurry and talking about how they found God usually aren't my cup of tea. But you add in the only (and I'd like to emphasize *only* here) guitar lick that is both technically proficient and creatively catchy, I'll just about swallow whatever lyrics and whatever absurd vocal tic any band with a Rob Thomas fetish wants me to. And thus I have done here, advocating for you to listen to The Fray, or any band of their ilk, for what is surely to be the first and last time in my life.



8. "Bad Romance" by Lady Gaga
It was a long time coming. Eventually she had to release a genuinely good single. I mean, c'mon, the foot-in-the-door mediocrity of "Just Dance" and outlandish freak swagger of "Poker Face" were two ends of the spectrum Gaga was clearly not comfortable representing. Her true calling is indeed the mediocre freak art of "Bad Romance", where she is allowed to get just a tinge dark and strange in the way of visuals rather than in the way of sex act innuendo. It's been done before, but never in such a wide arena, which is commendable enough, to say nothing of the fact that this song is an earworm of epic proportions, showing us that once and for all, Gaga is here to stay.



7. "Replay" by Iyaz
It goes down like an effing lukewarm smoothie. At least Sean Kingston uses fire and suicide metaphors for crying out loud! What do we have here? A song about a metaphorical iPod? Ho-lee crap. Ooh what I did just notice though is that when he says "a girl that could write you a symphony" there's a little synth-string fill. That's cute. Ah! See what I mean? No matter how much you try to knock this song down, it just resuscitates itself with a big dumb smirk on its face, catching you when you're most vulnerable, making you think about a nice rollerskating break on the beaches of Aruba when the sad truth is you're wearing wool socks and you still can't get warm enough because it's freaking two degrees outside. Haha I love the way he sings "shawty" in the chorus! Ack! Damn you and your incorrigible cuteness, Iyaz!!



6. "Knock You Down" by Keri Hilson
It's too bad that in future years, so many will look back and praise Rihanna for supposedly perfecting the female hip hop pop star sound of the late 00s (yes, that sounds ridiculous to me as well) when Keri Hilson does the same shtick with ten times the expression and range Rihanna could ever hope to achieve. The problem is not only did this song kind of whimper out after its initial phase of overplay, but Kanye and Ne-Yo steal the show so much during the verses that Hilson's smooth yet piercingly emotional chorus rides shotgun to their silly wordplay ("pimp ship" being one of the high/low points of this rollercoaster of a song). And that hi-hat skitter! Finally someone has used that overused that beat with sparse success!



5. "Mad" by Ne-Yo
Speaking of Ne-Yo, is this guy not the megastar Chris Brown is simply because he's even more innocuous and doesn't use AutoTune? Because this dude can sing. Yes, the "whoa-uh-ohhhh" groanings at the beginning with the synthetic piano plodding are definitely not harbingers of a standout pop song, but as soon as dude starts into the verse, this track takes off like a slow-motion rocketship of emotion. And while it's all as cheesy as that last statement, Ne-Yo and what I believe is himself backing up his own vox thread together to create a tapestry of silky R&B that's unrepentantly fueled by love, confusion, and sorrow. It makes me long for the days of D'Angelo and Seal in a way that no other pop star does today.



4. "Tik Tok" by Kesha
Where did this come from at the last minute, 2009? Did you do it just to grab us by genitals as we left out the door to see our families for the holidays? Huh? Is that the kind of relationship you think this is, Top 40? One where you can just drop a hella bomb of a brash swaggering WTF in my face as I'm wrapping up my reflection on the year, thinking that there was no unclassifiable single mixing together scenester crabcore ethic, amusingly bitchy chanteuse exterior, and completely empty and devoid of meaning interior? How about a song that means absolutely nothing but makes you bump and flex those dance muscles like there truly is no meaning life to get us ready for another decade of living life in existential dread? Yeah, that sounds good, thx!



3. "Day 'N' Nite" by Kid Cudi
What a slacker this guy is. It sounds like he's literally falling asleep while he mumbling out these rhymes, or he's just waking up and sputtering 'em out in exchange for a first sip of coffee. And that's exactly what makes it so hypnotic! His dreamy aesthetic is precisely what Top 40 has needed, which is ironic since usually what music needs is an energy booster to encourage the music that there is something to celebrate, not a muscle relaxant that inspires everyone to just chill out for a quick second. But that's what Top 40's has come to. It used to be boring and now it's just too flashy and all up in our grills. Unfortunately it's impossible for Cudi to completely floor everyone his first time out with this subtle shift in hip hop, but maybe overtime the Kanye protege will shake some butts off of the dancefloor and into a pair of Boses.



2. "Good Girls Go Bad" by Cobra Starship
Emo has officially died, my friends. Sure, so many have prematurely pronounced it deceased for years now, but the truth is, it was just struggling for air until now. And it's delightfully fitting, actually, that emo died not in a glorious fury of flames and slit wrists, but in a cavalcade of glitz and glamor, i.e. everything that's completely opposite of everything that it ever stood for (if a genre of music based around whining about girls could ever really stand for anything). And as a former emo boy extraordinaire, I am proud to officially eulogize the guitars that emoted and the lyrics that lamented lost youth. Now, we, like Gabe Saporta (formerly himself a full-fledge emo boy in the Drive-Thru Records band Midtown), must make the good girls go bad instead of letting their badness make us sad. We are through, emo, and I have traded you in for white sunglasses, neon sports cars, and a guest verse from an attractive teen soap opera star.



1. "Love Story" by Taylor Swift
There is now but one way to communicate the notion of love, and that is through song. The song "Love Story" by Taylor Swift, to be more precise. Let's leave it at that, because really, there's nothing to be said except to let the song tritely but oh so honestly speak for itself...

Romeo save me, they try to tell me how to feel /
This love is difficult, but it's real /
Don't be afraid, we'll make it out of this mess /
It's a love story, baby just say yes

Off The Couch And Into The Theater: January 2010

Okay, so before we dive headfirst into our 2009 listomania here at The Blogulator (stay tuned for a relatively no-frills series of posts running down our cumulative favorites in movies, music, TV, and more from last year), let's take a quick look at the upcoming month of January's releases (with "Will I See It?" percentages in parentheses). A couple of years ago I started referring to January as the "dumping grounds" month of the year for the studios, because, well, they are. It wasn't so much a coinage of terminology on my behalf as it was an acceptance of something perceived as truth by many well before my virgin eyes. Yes, it's true. As the Oscar forerunners trickle back in re-release form, here be the movies that actually kick of his bright shiny new decade of ours. Take a look with me, won't you?

Jan 8th: Vampires run out of humans to get their suck on with in Daybreakers (23%) and Ethan Hawke looks a little less creepy than he did in Tape and a little more creepy than he did in Hamlet (looks like he didn't change his wardrobe either). Michael Cera creates a personality that is mustachioed and a tongue-in-cheek ladies man for Youth in Revolt (84%), which is still annoyingly being touted as "co-starring The Hangover's Zach Galifanakis". If it wasn't for the unexpected split personality Adaptation-esque detour, I would give a rat's patooty about this movie, but it does look kinda clever, especially when piled up aside the rest of the month's offerings. Leap Year (58%) is the most agonizing type of prototypical mainstream romantic comedy in that the entire plot is explained in the trailer (minus whether or not she marries the guy from Party Down or the dopey potato peeler) and yet, it looks eminently watchable, if only largely because Amy Adams is the most attractive and vivacious lady currently congesting the silver screen. A 2009 holdover at the arthouse coming this weekend is The Imaginarium of Dr. Parnassus (95%), which will almost assuredly both disappoint and astound, as is Terry Gilliam's modus operandi nowadays, not unlike Richard Kelly, but Kelly's only been at his unique slapdash mindfuckery for less than a decade and Gilliam's been ramming it down our throats (sometimes to gorgeous avail and sometimes with complete and utter confusion and annoyance, a la The Brothers Grimm) for over two generations now. Oh well, it will still be a fun trainwreck to witness.

Jan 15th: Apparently Jackie Chan is in a movie called The Spy Next Door (1%) and even though the email was right in front of me telling me I could have free passes to an advanced screening this weekend and had a very short paragraph explaining the plot of the film and I knew I was going to be covering it a few hours later in a blog post, I automatically pressed delete just out of sheer reflex. So instead of spending the time to look it up on IMDb, I leave you with wondering with bated breath on that one. What would you say if I told you The Book of Eli (47%) was a post-apocalyptic thriller starring Gary Oldman and Tom Waits directed by the Hughes Brothers, of Menace II Society and From Hell fame? You'd say it at least had potential, right? What if I told you the lead actor was Denzel Washington and it looked like it had the subtleties of a Bruckheimer flick? Ruins all the other promising things, huh? Tricky sequences of questions ruin everything, don't they? Meanwhile, Hoodwinked Too! Hood vs. Evil (Too%) apparently got made in some alternative universe in which the first completely forgotten poorly-rendered CGI fairy tale spoof flick was actually enough of a success to warrant a theatrically released sequel. Luckily, the indieplex release of Crazy Heart (93%), aka this year's The Wrestler, except with an aging country music singer, will save this week's releases from total and utter failure, although this is another 2009 holdover, so, yeah...2010, you've got some work to do. There's also the domestic drama The Private Lives of Pippa Lee (12%) starring Robin Wright Penn and Winona Ryder, about a woman nearing a nervous breakdown, which was miraculously transported via time machine to 2010 from the year 1993, when those actresses and a plot like that actually garnered an audience. (Not really.)

Jan 22nd: Even stranger than that Book of Eli movie is that when I saw the trailer for the fallen angel epic battle flick Legion (71%), I was very much aware of its ridiculousness, of its brash chintziness and overly basic Braveheart-with-angels-in-the-desert set-up, and yet for some reason I really wanted to see it. I can't explain why, but researching that the only past directing experience helmer Scott Stewart has is a short film version of the great Raymond Carver story "What We Talk About When We Talk About Love"; what the connection is I have no idea, but it must have something to do with why I want to see this bizarre action/fantasy film. The infamous poster that has stained movie theater hallways for way too long now for Tooth Fairy (4%) tells us with a single image everything we need to know without actually knowing anything: The Rock in ice skates, knight's armor, a pair of feathered wings, and his burly hands on his hips. Need I Google more for you? Extraordinary Measures (6%), after further consideration, is indeed not the same thing as either the 1997 Hugh Grant/Gene Hackman medical thriller Extreme Measures nor the 1998 Michael Keaton/Andy Garcia medical thriller Desperate Measures. Instead, it is merely a 2010 Brendan Fraser/Harrison Ford medical melodrama. Way different.

Jan 29th: More IMDb trivia! Did you know the director of Ghost Rider, Simon Birch, Daredevil, and this month's Kristen Bell romantic comedy vehicle When in Rome (29%) is from Hastings, Minnesota? How about that! Useless knowledge pushing educational theory/ideology and/or fond family memories from my childhood out of my head! Hooray! Seriously though, Kristen, if you're ever up this way visiting the great Mark Steven Johnson (what a name, am I right?), stop by my place; I've got scripts better than "unlucky girl finds herself overcome with suitors during a trip to Rome" up the wazoo in my apartment. Really. Mel Gibson stars in Edge of Darkness (32%), a remake of a TV miniseries about a cop who investigates the suspicious death of his daughter, and while I yawn and think about, once again, the 90s (specifically Gibson flicks that even teenaged me thought were time-wasters like Payback and Conspiracy Theory), at least back then the thrillers had a sense of humor about them. He was still coming off of playing Lt. Riggs, so he had to crack a lame joke to keep us from caring about the generic plot. Now it's just sad, even more so given the fact that this is no longer the MG we remember, in so many ways, even if that one back then wasn't that entertaining either. Lastly, probably the only surefire flick to satiate my need for pretentiousness, is Michael Haneke's The White Ribbon (99%). From the twisted mind that brought you The Piano Teacher and Funny Games (also, though, the more reserved and therefore better Cache) comes a black-and-white tale of a small conservative village circa the years before WWI and how mysterious gruesome acts begin to plague the citizens. Sounds and looks like the perfect balance between boring gorgeousness and titillating anxiety-ridden shock cinema, which is exactly how I like to close out a month of Grade-F garbage.

Today's Top 40 Spectrum: Closing Out 2009 With Misogyny and Narcissism!

In response to this post's title: in other words, nothing new. But this final new set of Minneapolis Top 40 bangers are perfect embodiments of the year as a whole in more ways than one. Not only does the lyrical content veer toward the aforementioned themes, but each represents a certain stylistic fad that was both extremely prevalent in this year of 2009 and we can pray, depending on whether I like it or not, for its imminent death in 2010 or its next step in the pop evolution. Next month look for a traditional Best of 2009 Top 40 post, but for right now, let's take a look at the ones that the final year of a troubled decade will take to its death, ranked from best to worst...


"Tik Tok" by Kesha: The most we can hope for in 2010 is that the M.I.A. swagger will be transferred to more solo female artists, even if it only is in small and tangential doses like it is here. But even with a just a tinge of disaffected punk rock delivery, Kesha creates a more interesting air around her voice than any other on this list. Yes, even with a P. Diddy reference inside the song's first two measures, and yes, even with an unhealthy dollop of unnecessary Autotune, the song still works. The verse is much more lip-quivering fun, with its contradictory happy synth skipping, but even the "I'm gonna party all night long because I'm awesome" chorus is marginally delightful with its hi-hat decimation and (admittedly generic) pulsing dance beat.



"Bad Romance" by Lady Gaga: Another month, another Lady Gaga single. And even in saying that in an effort to sum up 2009's trend of - very simply - Lady Gaga, I feel like I've already used that line to fill space talking about the NYC sensation all year long. That said, this is clearly the best song she's put out among her four thousand singles that have grown like weeds all over the pop culture ether for the past twelve months. In addition, it's the closest she's been able to transition from her faux-avant-garde beginnings to full-fledged as-avant-garde-as-mainstream-can-get, and for that, I can't knock her. And even though I will continue argue that she cannot be our generation's Madonna (Madonna already filled that role, sorry), at least this track does not fit one of the two common 2009 pop song themes (though almost all her other songs do).


"Sexy Chick" by David Guetta & Akon: Well this makes me feel icky. Not only are there all kinds of wrong going on in the refrain's swollen lyric "I'm trying to find the words to describe this girl without being disrespectful", but the thing I actually like about this song (the minimalist electro-clash production, which I pray we see more of in '10) also adds to the creepy woman-hating vibe that trounces through both the low, mumbled verses and the ejaculatory chorus. In fact, it's almost knee-slappingly hilarious/appalling how transparent Akon is being here with his ode to a woman's physical beauty and inability to praise it without comparing it to a neighborhood whore, and just straight up saying "damn!" every other line. But oh the kitchen-sink drums how they come and build out of nowhere halfway through the drop-out and bring the beat back while he says "damn you a sexy chick" over and over! So conflicting!



"Body Language" by Jesse McCartney & T-Pain: Hahahaha does T-Pain really start off this song by saying "nappy boy pretty boy collaboration / that thing you got behind you is amazing"?! That's positively spellbinding is what that is. It's a thing of dreams, to find out two people that basically crap in a studio and let producers turn it into wimpy/catchy riffs have come so far to all but admit that that's exactly what they do in the first lyric of their hit single. And if that's not enough for you, they go on to practice some obligatory racist exoticism as they spout off a couple lines in French and Japanese talking about how no matter language you speak, your ass does all the talkin'. And speaking of "the other", I really enjoy how in the video, T-Pain stays locked up in the vocal isolation booth in the distance while Jesse performs on stage for hundreds and frolics on the beach. Lucky for these boys that low-end keyboard and vocal overlapping near the end is totally beast!!! Let's get more of that in 2010!



"3" by Britney Spears: When will she go away? Even as I type that, I don't 100% want it. For as obnoxious as the chorus of this song is (really? counting to three and namedropping Peter, Paul, and Mary while also talking about how you everyone wants you? what's the connection?), she always lands producers that make up for it with at least a couple neat tricks. The subtle post-chorus stop-start breakdown is clever, but even more so, I thought I better stick around for a bridge the first time I heard it because somehow I anticipated something wonderful. I was right; it's a gorgeous comedown that despite the Autotune (c'mon Brit, you don't need to use it that excessively like the other, we know it's all pitch-shifted anyway) is immaculately and lushly executed. Unfortunately, those moments of pop brilliance happen so infrequently that I can't help but place her at the bottom of my list.

P.S. KDWB Music Director, if you're reading this, get "Forever" by Drake on the Top 10 of your playlist already! Requested by me and my friend Molly k thx bye!

The Quest Continues: 1989, Or The Year Before The Beginning

What's that, you say? You thought The Quest For the Single Finest Film of Our Generation was over? Well, think again. I just couldn't let go of what quite possibly was the highlight of my 2009 blogging year; I had to bastardize it into an ongoing series. Kinda like when they tried to make a television show out of The Crow. Remember that? Yuck. Ooh, though that move might get a mention when and if we come back around to 1994. You see, what I'm planning to do is just explore years both left undiscussed during the original Quest and those that brim with possible nominees. But we're no longer searching for one particular film to define our ear of cinema adoration. No, we are simply marauding through the ocean of films that in some way helped shape our youth, dropping anchor every month or so to say, "hey! that movie was a blast to watch when I was 10 because ____." If it feels like I'm cheapening the original journey, I'm sorry, but there's just too many pieces of nostalgia to cover in one five-month blogging feature, as ridiculous as that sounds. So once again, I'm going to start with the biggest box office successes of each year I talk about, and work my way down if I come back to that year. Let us start with 1989. Vote for your favorite of the five in the comments and we'll either pretend it will mean something later or if I get ambitious and there's a lot of participation, I'll do another tournament-style face-off of the ten winners after we go through ten more posts!

Batman: My first memory of this film is fuzzy at best. I remember Batman Returns a lot more vividly as it freaked the bazonkers out of me in the theater and as I still maintain to this day that it's Tim Burton's most fully realized fantasy (and should have quit attempting to recreate that for years to come). But other than Jack Nicholson as The Joker, nothing really stands out to me about the original Batman, to be completely honest. But despite Heath Ledger's recent one-upsmanship of the character, up until then I think we can all agree, that Nicholson was the center of attention in this film as well. Let's admit it; Ledger outdid him simply by the fact that he doesn't act like The Joker in public or in other films, whereas Nicholson does, admittedly often to the point of obnoxiousness. But between the years of 1989 and 2007, Nicholson's already solidified persona combined with the mythical excitement of a character like The Joker inside a mainstream flick with flashes of an iconic style that Burton was in the midst of developing is what I believe sparked the Batman character film craze in the first place. Which is prolly pretty important.
Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade: I'm going to be honest - I had much better memories of the Indiana Jones series in general before Crystal Skull was unleashed upon us, including an exciting recollection of Temple of Doom. Revisiting all three films in preparation for the fourth's release was probably one of the lamer things I've done in recent years. Raiders still has a little appeal because it started the whole thing and the most famous feats of adventure sequences were in the original, I finally realized why Temple was a joke to most people, and watching Indy and his dad bicker back and forth was entertaining for all of the first 20 minutes of Crusade and that's it. I thought the familial relationship and the sentimental-yet-suspenseful Holy Grail ending made this movie especially memorable not more than a year-and-a-half ago, but Spielberg's half-assed foray back into the legendary character completely ruined all that. Well, maybe I should thank him, otherwise I would have gone on thinking these movies would still be fun to watch 15-20 years later. They're not, and it's sad. But we must move on.

Lethal Weapon 2: Now here's what I'm afraid of. Richard Donner comes out of retirement (oops, my bad, he made 16 Blocks in 2006 starring Bruce Willis as Riggs and Mos Def as Murtaugh) thinking that the Lethal Weapon franchise needs a reboot. Only this time it's not too amiable and arguably talented people like Willis and Def, it's hot young things like Chris Pine and Nick Cannon. Oh how my heart would break. But, at the same time, I would also certainly put myself through a marathon of the original buddy cop movie trilogy (maybe even Lethal Weapon 4 if I found the gall) as I eagerly anticipated the return of the famed line "I'm gettin' too old for this shit!" I am deathly afraid that if this happened, we would have a repeat of the Indiana Jones fiasco. I'm particularly fearful because I cannot tell the difference between any of the first three other than the fact that I know Pesci isn't in the first one. On the other hand, in my head, they're all awesome, full of bomb diffusing, random shootouts, and hilarious quips between two best friends, one of which is the lovable family man and the other the archetypal depressed rogue agent, who inspired everyone from Jack Bauer to Mike Lowery (that's a Bad Boys reference!).

Look Who's Talking: A baby that talks. Voiced by Bruce Willis. And if that doesn't drive you away - his parents are John Travolta and Kirstie Alley. Still interested? Really? Interested enough that not only will you help make the #4 grossing film of its year but also your $4 evening ticket (srsly, isn't THAT depressing?) will go directly toward inspiring TriStar picture to greenlight not one but TWO sequels, the first of which will also feature a baby voiced by Roseanne, and the second of which will feature talking DOGS. Mega-sigh. I deeply regret, America, that my mom and I contributed to the disease known as the Look Who's Talking trilogy not once, not twice, but THRICE. Wow I sure am CAPITALIZING a lot of words in this paragraph! Maybe I'm pissed because this film made almost six times as much money as Sex, Lies, and Videotape that year, or maybe it's because I actually remember laughing hysterically while also being disturbed by the idea of talking sperm along with my mother, but mostly I just think it's because this movie and its sequels plague my memory more so than any of the other movies nominated here, except...

Honey, I Shrunk the Kids: Thank God for Rick Moranis. That's all I have to say. Well, no, it's not, but that's just an expression anyway, right? This is my official vote for this bank of five nominees for 1989. The giant lego, the giant oreo, the giant ant (I shed tears when he passed, SPOILER ALERT), and more all contributed to this being one of, if not the most, eye-widening and deeply entrancing fantasy worlds of my youth. I still remember sitting in that Hartford, Connecticut movie theater and straining my neck to fully take in the enormity of the entire backyard as our protagonists traversed it, inch by adventurous inch (much like how it feels in general for a child in a movie theater full of gigantic figures and special effects, I might add), back into the arms of their parents. Out of all the movies discussed herein, this is the one that I have the most urge to fire back in the DVD player and enjoy with everyone from start to finish, reliving all those glorious moments of mind-boggling absurdity and harrowing escapism. I think I could definitely get back into that groove with ease. Anyone up for trying this one out again with me?