Today's Top 40 Spectrum: From Jason Derulo To Crap!

I've been listening to a lot of Top 40 this month. Like way more than usual. And so, when a few days I realized I was about due to update Today's Top 40 Spectrum, I assumed it would be a great post chock full of the hits indicative of this supposed surprising upswing in quality pop music. Upon visiting the charts of both pop stations in town, turns out my judgment and listening habits were simply marred by the recent awesomeness of "Carry Out" and "Bedrock". Too bad so sad. Big shocker, Top 40 music still sucks, right? Luckily the one at the top of the spectrum is actually objectively awesome (no arguments!), otherwise I might have to reconsider my ability to properly judge the output of the mainstream music industry. Ha! That would have been scary! Anyway, here are your month's big jams (sorry Brigitte/Qualler, "Telephone" by the Gag-ster is still on the outset of both stations' Top 5), ranked from best to worst.



"In My Head" by Jason Derulo: Seriously though, this song is the major ish. It's at the top of KDWB's playlist, so I'm leaning toward thinking they're still the better station, despite the new guy in town 96.3NOW!'s obnoxious DJ abstinence. In fact, Jerksica just asked me the other day what was my favorite song on Top 40 now and the only number that came to mind was this one. All the way back to when I first heard it (think wayyy back in January!) I was happy to finally be able to pay attention to Derulo's talent without the obfuscation of Imogen Heap's warble on his first, more successful single, "Whatcha Say", which you can for some reason hear a bit of at the beginning and ending of his video for this new one. While it doesn't have the trademark gimmick of the former, I think this new totally solo offering is actually much better written and executed pop song. It's a little glossy and mechanical, yes, even by Top 40 standards, but the man can sing. Even if it is Autotuned, it's not rubbed in our faces, and there's real G-D melodies that are all neatly packaged in beautiful verse, pre-chorus, and chorus segments that go down like neon fruit juice. Sickly sweet, but refreshing and tart as all get out. Yummers.



"Imma Be" by Black Eyed Peas: I think Black Eyed Peas are one of those artists that I like to pretend to hate, because I'll say they're awful, degenerates, and worse, all for hours upon hours until kingdom come, but whenever it comes down to a Top 40 Spectrum, they always somehow edge near the top of the list. Quite simply, though, it's basically because when put in a group of other awful degenerates, they end up looking good by comparison. Kinda like the kid in gym class that drives you nuts, but when it comes to be your turn to be team captain and pick players, he'll always be your second or third choice, because hell if you're gonna have any of those other idiot pricks on your team. I mean this song (and long-form video, if you dare click play above to see the Peas "act" and then string two of their songs together to tell a Transformers-esque tale) is positively dreadful by all basic aural accounts, but when compared to most pop music, you can't help but begrudgingly give them props that they a) have culled together enough different trends to make a sound their own, and b) they're a true group that alternates between singers/rappers without a bevy of guests, which is comforting. Even though it sucks.



"Say Aah" by Trey Songz & Fabolous: Speaking of sucking...no, I'm not going to go there. But newcomer Trey Songz and where-the-hell-have-you-been-and-why-are-you-back rapper Fabolous sure are! Their new collaborative hit single is so proud of its overly crass "pour a drink in her mouth" symbolism that they're not afraid to literally paint you a very exact picture of both what they'd like to do with their unnamed object of affection, but also how they plan on achieving said feat with ease (psst, it has to do with copious booze!) and hopefully few lawsuits. After all, subtlety doesn't belong on the commercial airwaves, right? What's most hilariously wretched about this very unfortunately infectious tune is that Songz does bad enough at keeping his big not-so-clandestine message on the down low (I actually do enjoy the Scottie Pippen and Simpsons references), but when F-A-B-O drops in, he takes the thin layer of mystery off the whole shebang and basically grunts that he's gotta "bust a couple off" after he "prescribes" his woman "nothing but cranberry and vodka." Gross and hilarious, but mostly gross.


"Tie Me Down" by New Boyz & Ray J: You can probably guess, if you haven't heard this song, what its message is. But let me point out my favorite/its most disturbing lyric. And I quote - "You know I'm a man and I have no feelings." The seventeen-year-old New Boyz go on to call the woman who are trying to get them to be monogamous hoes, as do they wish aloud that they just would shut up for once. As sad as it may be, I expect this from teenagers. From the 29-year-old Ray J, however? For the love of pop music, Ray J, just because you can sing and your career flamed out after the admittedly catchy "Sexy Can I" and your ridiculous MTV show doesn't mean you should be hopping on board with misguided youth as they decry the female gender while they ride their 15 minutes of fame wave. In a year or so they will look back at their failed career as a Kriss Kross for the current generation, realize they made a hit song with someone twelve years older than them, hunt you down, and yell into your dumb face - "Why did you let us do this? Why didn't you say anything?!" And you will feel even more regret in that singular moment than you have in your entire pathetic existence.



"Need You Now" by Lady Antebellum: YouTube embedding is disabled by request, and you should be thankful about that. If there's one thing worse than Taylor Swift's new single being (as Qualler so eloquently puts it (Editor's note: I must give credit to Amelie Gillette for this term) "a parody of a Taylor Swift song", it's that her twang-tinged pop has influenced popularity of boring trash like this. So listening to it is big enough of a request, I wouldn't dare make you also watch them sing it. But just listen to the chorus to get the point and then turn it off. You call that a hook, Lady Before-The-War (thank you seventh grade etymology class!)? You call THAT a hook? I'll take misogynist faux-hip hop over that anyday! (Kill me now.)

Today's Top 40 Spectrum: Addiction Is A Delightful Disease

In case you haven't heard, there's a new Top 40 station in town here in Minneapolis. Formerly B96, your place for strictly hip hop and R&B jams, they've morphed into 96.3 NOW with the tag line "the most hit music." Ultimately, things haven't changed much; they just play the same songs as KDWB, meaning a straight-up pop song or guitar track might sneak in there. They were playing Lady Gaga throughout most of 2009, so this switch wasn't exactly surprising, but it does make for interesting comparisons between playlists between them and the traditional Top 40 Twin Cities mainstay KDWB. Also marketing tactics such as "Commercial Free Mondays" have popped up, which is nice so I can make sure to hear more of the Top 40 on one particular day of the week, though with both of them running through the spectrum, whenever one is on commercials I can go to the other and most likely chill there for a bit. The ability to do this, however, has made me overdose a bit on Top 40 lately. It made me think that Top 40's in a really good spot right now, but as I look at the top five songs on each station's playlist (as I plan on doing from here on out for this feature) it turns out it really hasn't improved: it's just gotten me addicted. Nevertheless, here's the first Top 40 Spectrum for 2010, for better or worse...



"Carry Out" by Timbaland & Justin Timberlake: No video yet for this monster single, but there will surely be one soon, and I can only hope that the food metaphors get translated along the way. Yes, JT and man behind his beats both get on the mic to talk about booties in a way that has been catching on for a while now (Lil Wayne arguably popularized this strange new trend): imagine if we could express lust in a slang covered in references to drive-thrus, IHOP, and supersizing. And yet, as weird as it is, these guys succeed. Now I thought it was slightly droll and negligibly groovy upon my first listen, but I just dismissed it as another limp collab effort. But then my addiction kicked in, Jerksica gave it her stamp of approval, and voila, I'm digging its silly yet clever ways of communicating "let's get together...if you know what I'm saying."



"Bedrock" by Young Money: Let's be clear. I like this song a lot better when I tune in after Lil Wayne has delivered his snaky intro verse. Maybe even after the dopey Gudda verse too. Hell let's just focus on the chorus for this superstar track. A student introduced me to the dude (Lloyd) behind this song's ridiculously awesome chorus about a year ago and I knew the guy had style then. I'm glad he's getting true Top 40 play, because he's like Ne-Yo with a sense of humor, or John Legend with street cred. And unlike Weezy and his contemporaries, Mr. Lloyd can SING. "Call me Mr. Flintstone, I can make your bedrock" is going to be the most memorable lyric of 2010; I'm calling it now. Also that middle verse between Nicki and Drake is sick, because we need more female rappers and this Drake guy while not spectacular at least has a nice calm delivery. I wish the rest of the song was just the chorus over and over though.



"Whataya Want From Me" by Adam Lambert: Kris Allen's track, not quite to the top of pops yet, is actually not half bad. At the end of the day, after getting past the Mraz-esque verses, there's a decent soaring chorus to be heard, thereby making it not much worse than Adam Lambert's big hit here. To compare, the chorus of "Whataya Want From Me" is actually quite forgettable, especially because it falls victim to "just-repeat-the-song-title-over-and-over" syndrome, which is too bad. However, that guitar riff in the verses has a strong emotional tinge to it as it coils up and down on top of nothing but a simple drum beat and Lambert's coarse croon. But then the big arena sound comes in to destroy it to pieces, turning the aching rubble into a blinding beam of white noise. Oh well, try better next time, Adam.



"Evacuate The Dance Floor" by Cascada: I straight-up turn off the radio whenever I hear this song. I usually don't even switch to a CD or Radio K. I just press the power button and allow myself a moment to breathe before I let my ears ingest any more music. And this song is played even more than "Tik Tok" now, which is a damn shame. It's not even that it's particularly annoying, though it is. It's more that it's so blandly loud that until a few days ago I still wondered if it was that old Lady Gaga song about dancing that I don't like or a new Britney track that whizzed past my radar, as so many of her new singles tend to do. It's boring. It's generic. And it's effing LOUD! It's like when those really loud commercials come on suddenly; they're not really that annoying or out of place, they're just for whatever reason way louder than the previous ad. [Sidenote: I heard this was supposed to be made illegal on the TV! When will this go into effect?]



"I Look So Good" by Jessie James: So how could it possibly get worse from the track above, at least in my opinion? Well by putting a song in the top five that isn't necessarily loud or gratingly dull, but just fully ignored by my eardrums. I know I've heard this song, but, if you can follow me here, I'm not sure if I've ever really HEARD this song. Know what I mean? I definitely never listened to it if I ever stumbled across it on the radio, but if I did, I did not even hear the throaty wail of this country popstress nor did I hear the clanging ride cymbal or stock handclap effects. Rather, as I blasted it in my car, I only heard the sound of slush whipping through my tire treads, the whooshing by of cars and semis, and the slight honking of horns in the distance. This song, by all accounts, does not exist in my personal history of pop music. Let us move on and never speak of it again.

P.S. They won't dare chart it in the top five, but "Blame it on the Pop 2009", DJ Earworm's phenomenal mash-up of the top 25 Billboard hits of 2009, is getting some serious airplay on KDWB and it's awesome. Do check it out.

P.P.S. For non-Top 40 musings, don't forget to check out my ongoing rundown of my faves of 2009 at I can't come home, Grace. I'm an adult.

Pretentious Music Alert: Lady Gaga = Pink Floyd's "The Wall" + Late '90s Pop Idols?

I sadly missed seeing probably the only thing worthy of actually seeing at the Grammy's last night live: the highly-discussed Lady Gaga/Elton John duet/mash-up that opened the show. If there's anything more lame than the usual Grammy performances that take a recording artist from one era of music and have them perform with an artist from another era of music, I'd like to know what it is. (Actually, I know what it is -- when it's an artist from one era and totally separate musical genre, like when Andrea Bocelli and Mary J. Blige sang together last night.) But Lady Gaga's total inherent weirdness ended up meshing quite well with Sir Elton John:

What sets this performance over the top for me are a few things:

1) Lady Gaga's stage show. I know that most pop stars have elaborate staging for their tours similar to this one, but I am really loving how meta her entire performance has become, taking the themes (and title) of her album-and-a-half The Fame Monster with her on tour, which is reflected not just in her live show but her music videos, songs, etc. In fact, her "Fame Factory" stage set-up reminded me a lot of Pink Floyd's The Wall tour -- all high concept, kinda tongue-in-cheek, but also carrying a bit of a message. I'm not quite sure if her entire presentation is her being just a little bit ironic (dontcha think?) or if she's really in on some kind of self-referential prank, but either way, it's a helluva lot more enjoyable than watching Pink be "shocking" by singing a ballad with no drums and getting involved in a Cirque du Soleil-style act like she did last night.

2) Lady Gaga's inherent weirdness. Her songs might be pretty straight-forward when listened outside of the context of her performance, but her style is influenced just as much by high-fashion as it is pop music. That she manages to constantly be onstage not wearing pants and not seem like she's doing it just for attention ala Britney Spears is maybe a teeny-tiny-little-bit ... feminist? (Help me out with that one, ladies.)

3) Lady Gaga's voice, and obvious overall talent. Damn, she's got a voice on her, don't she? She sounds like a different singer in every one of her songs. Plus we all know she's musically trained on the piano and most likely many other instruments. Taylor Swift, I love ya, but face the facts that Lady Gaga's a tour de force who likely will have much deeper career longevity.

Top 10 Albums of 2009

10. Animal Collective Fall Be Kind EP [Domino]

With apologies to the Collective's LP earlier this year, the "m'eh"-worthy Merriweather Post Pavilion, Animal Collective released their most distinctive recording at the end of 2009. Following their usual pattern of feature album / EP of songs that didn't make the cut, the Fall Be Kind EP is worth the price of admission for the single "What Would I Want? Sky", a beautiful combination of Panda Bear's newfound love of sampling and Avey Tare's newfound lyrical and vocal clarity. They've come along way since their high water mark of Sung Tongs, that 2004 avant-folk masterpiece of theirs, and sound a lot more like every other band, but this EP reminds us that, even if they're a little less weird, they can still be adventurous and catchy at the same time. [Qualler]



9. Yeah Yeah Yeahs It's Blitz! [Interscope]

I listened to the first half of this album at least 20 times in 2009. That is truly awesome. Karen O and those dudes were able to beat out the strong competition of NPR for control of my car stereo. In real life, Karen O is kind of short. I saw her in concert. She's also kind of the best. Keep on rocking, YYYs! [Sean]



8. Paramore Brand New Eyes [Fueled By Ramen]

Brand New Eyes - by the siren Hayley Williams and some dudes - is the first commercial album I've bought since 2003. That includes digital music, which I would download legally if I downloaded it at at all. I'm just not that into songs, so it takes a special something to perk my ears. That something usually involves breasts and marginal talent; however, Paramore vindicates my vice by offering some real talent (I think). Sure, the second half of the album is uninspired, revealing more than ever the band's tendency to over-repeat the same lines of chorus instead of attempting alternate rhymes. Yet the first half still resonates, with the second single "Brick By Boring Brick" boring into my brick head days after I last heard it. One day, I'll fall in love with an emo punk girl, and we'll listen to Paramore all night long. It will be weird for my gf to listen to her own band, I guess, but, you know, love is weird that way. [DoktorPeace]



7. The Fiery Furnaces I'm Going Away [Thrill Jockey]

The siblings Friedberger described their latest LP (and, amazingly, their sixth album since 2003) as their homage to television theme songs from the 1970s (WKRP in Cincinnati, Welcome Back Kotter, etc.) What one can take away most from that statement is that the music on this album is their most, shall we say, accessible since their first album Gallowsbird Bark. Thankfully, the easy-listening nature of this record doesn't detract from their biggest gift: hyper-literate melodies. Standouts like "Charmaine Champagne" (which might be their most catchy song since "Tropical Iceland") and "Cups and Punches" bring the smiles without detracting from the fact that this is, indeed, a Fiery Furnaces record. In this day in age, familiarity is comforting. [Qualler]



6. Phoenix Wolfgang Amadeus Phoenix [Glass Note]

According to my local indie rock station, Phoenix is the best new band of 2009. New band? What about those three earlier albums of theirs? Those were great. This fourth one brings you more of that same greatness. Great enough for a Cadillac commercial. The perfect dance-pop record for your drive to work. [Sean]



5. The Wooden Birds Magnolia [Barsuk]

Andrew Kenny is the quietest rock god that has ever lived. He whispers instead of wails, he soothes instead of jars, and he smirks instead of scowls. And yet, the power his music has over me is not dissimilar to the kind of unyielding adoration a teenage girl has for your archetypal axe-wielding sex machine frontman. From his days in the much-missed American Analog Set to this, the Austin native’s brand new outfit, the gentle strum of simple chords and lilting hesitance of his cherubic croon is more hypnotic and rewarding to the soul than any brash and jagged exercise in rawk. The delightfully dusty, bare, and refined take on the old Amanset sound, showing that maybe, just maybe, Kenny has gone through so much just to start up a new project where he finally has found his voice. [Chris]



4. P.O.S. Never Better [Rhymesayers]

Stef Alexander (aka P.O.S.) hails from Blogulator hometown Minneapolis, MN, and his latest album takes less than a minute to reference the "Minnesota snow" in the opening track "Let It Rattle". Alexander's punk roots (he's also the lead singer of Minnesota-based punk band Building Better Bombs) filter through the rest of the record, from the propulsive (and aptly titled) "Drumroll (We're All Thirsty)" to the jittery sing-along "Goodbye". I guess you could say that this hip-hop record is popular with the Blogulator crowd because of its local pride, but you'd be selling it short by assuming that. [Qualler]



3. Kill The Vultures Ecce Beast [Self-Released]

Minneapolis has been the go-to place for independently-minded and independently-financed hip hop for a long time now, but the nationwide access understandably can only go so far: at first Rhymesayers (Atmosphere, Brother Ali) got all the buzz and now the spotlight’s turning to Doomtree (the crew of P.O.S., who has publicly said “I learned to rap from [Kill The Vultures’] Crescent Moon”). And while I love many of these artists, I think the much more contemplative and modestly brilliant hip hop release from Minneapolis (and across the country) comes from the duo Kill The Vultures. The cinematically jazzy riffs that back the dark and despairing rhymes are almost as genius as the more in-your-face intellectual/emotional verbiage, constructing a cohesive and eternally moving background, bringing hip hop back to a place it hasn’t been in so long: a solemn corner of the room where put down people lament the woes of living in the city. [Chris]



2. Japandroids Post-Nothing [Polyvinyl]

And sometimes you just gotta rock out. No one did that better this year than Canada’s Japandroids, whose raucous debut is about as fun as rock music can get with only three instruments: a guitar, a drum kit, and a pair of vocals straining from underneath the volume to be heard and felt. This is not to say we should commend every band that yells emotively over fuzzy chords and rollicking drum fills, but when a band comes along and does this with pointed earnestness and honesty, that’s when the consumption of rock becomes more than just swelling passion and ego posturing. It becomes an aural feast that compels and excites, breaks hearts and bobs heads like no one’s business. Let’s just hope that the duo doesn’t trade in the vehemence for watered down “maturity” or amped up “ferocity”, because neither would be true to the invigorating sounds of Post-Nothing. [Chris]



1. Bat For Lashes Two Suns [Astralwerks]

I didn’t think much of Natasha Khan upon my initial listens of 2007’s Fur & Gold, but what I did notice was her instrumentation. Though many of the melodies on that album didn’t grab me, the woman clearly knew her away around enough orchestral and electronic flourishes to create a rich and complex atmosphere, something too many artists are afraid to do for fear of losing or straying from their signature sound. Well, London-raised Khan proved she just needed a couple years to train her voice and find a style that matched her outrageous desire for eclecticism, as Two Suns succeeds at both varying wildly from the eerie and gloomy to the bombastic and heavenly on almost every track, all while firmly retaining a foothold on an ethereal quality that makes every song manifestly a Bat For Lashes song. Then again, I proposed to Jerksica at her concert, so perhaps I'm a little biased. [Chris]

P.S. Chris is also counting down his Top 100 Songs of 2009, for those interested, here.

Top 10 of the Top 40 in 2009

Despite the last two tracks ultimately being space filler I could take or leave with little to no qualms, #s 1-8 are definitely the pinnacle of Top 40 beauty in 2009. And to me, that's a hell of a lot of great songs for a classification of music known to corrode souls and devolve brain usage. So color me excited that upon this new year of 2010, the resident "hip hop" station in town decided to switch its format to, you guessed it, Top 40. Now I will have charts from two radio sites to analyze and help determine my monthly Top 40 Spectrum! Huzzah! Let's see how this past year in pop clocked in first...



10. "My Life Would Suck Without You" by Kelly Clarkson
Slinky metallic but adorably friendly guitar riff a la the more unforgettable "Since U Been Gone"? Check. Anthemic rip-roaring chorus with a bit of wry humor and unapologetic directness thrown in for good measure a la the almighty predecessor "Since U Been Gone"? Double check. Using the word "suck", a killer toy/plastic-sounding drum fill, and a richer bed of whirring keys, making the track just a tad distinctive from her indie-friendly hit-to-end-all-hits "Since U Been Gone"? Yup, good work Clarkson, you almost got labeled with a big fat "retread" tag!



9. "You Found Me" by The Fray
I don't know about you, but songs that start off with a dude pretending his voice is slurry and talking about how they found God usually aren't my cup of tea. But you add in the only (and I'd like to emphasize *only* here) guitar lick that is both technically proficient and creatively catchy, I'll just about swallow whatever lyrics and whatever absurd vocal tic any band with a Rob Thomas fetish wants me to. And thus I have done here, advocating for you to listen to The Fray, or any band of their ilk, for what is surely to be the first and last time in my life.



8. "Bad Romance" by Lady Gaga
It was a long time coming. Eventually she had to release a genuinely good single. I mean, c'mon, the foot-in-the-door mediocrity of "Just Dance" and outlandish freak swagger of "Poker Face" were two ends of the spectrum Gaga was clearly not comfortable representing. Her true calling is indeed the mediocre freak art of "Bad Romance", where she is allowed to get just a tinge dark and strange in the way of visuals rather than in the way of sex act innuendo. It's been done before, but never in such a wide arena, which is commendable enough, to say nothing of the fact that this song is an earworm of epic proportions, showing us that once and for all, Gaga is here to stay.



7. "Replay" by Iyaz
It goes down like an effing lukewarm smoothie. At least Sean Kingston uses fire and suicide metaphors for crying out loud! What do we have here? A song about a metaphorical iPod? Ho-lee crap. Ooh what I did just notice though is that when he says "a girl that could write you a symphony" there's a little synth-string fill. That's cute. Ah! See what I mean? No matter how much you try to knock this song down, it just resuscitates itself with a big dumb smirk on its face, catching you when you're most vulnerable, making you think about a nice rollerskating break on the beaches of Aruba when the sad truth is you're wearing wool socks and you still can't get warm enough because it's freaking two degrees outside. Haha I love the way he sings "shawty" in the chorus! Ack! Damn you and your incorrigible cuteness, Iyaz!!



6. "Knock You Down" by Keri Hilson
It's too bad that in future years, so many will look back and praise Rihanna for supposedly perfecting the female hip hop pop star sound of the late 00s (yes, that sounds ridiculous to me as well) when Keri Hilson does the same shtick with ten times the expression and range Rihanna could ever hope to achieve. The problem is not only did this song kind of whimper out after its initial phase of overplay, but Kanye and Ne-Yo steal the show so much during the verses that Hilson's smooth yet piercingly emotional chorus rides shotgun to their silly wordplay ("pimp ship" being one of the high/low points of this rollercoaster of a song). And that hi-hat skitter! Finally someone has used that overused that beat with sparse success!



5. "Mad" by Ne-Yo
Speaking of Ne-Yo, is this guy not the megastar Chris Brown is simply because he's even more innocuous and doesn't use AutoTune? Because this dude can sing. Yes, the "whoa-uh-ohhhh" groanings at the beginning with the synthetic piano plodding are definitely not harbingers of a standout pop song, but as soon as dude starts into the verse, this track takes off like a slow-motion rocketship of emotion. And while it's all as cheesy as that last statement, Ne-Yo and what I believe is himself backing up his own vox thread together to create a tapestry of silky R&B that's unrepentantly fueled by love, confusion, and sorrow. It makes me long for the days of D'Angelo and Seal in a way that no other pop star does today.



4. "Tik Tok" by Kesha
Where did this come from at the last minute, 2009? Did you do it just to grab us by genitals as we left out the door to see our families for the holidays? Huh? Is that the kind of relationship you think this is, Top 40? One where you can just drop a hella bomb of a brash swaggering WTF in my face as I'm wrapping up my reflection on the year, thinking that there was no unclassifiable single mixing together scenester crabcore ethic, amusingly bitchy chanteuse exterior, and completely empty and devoid of meaning interior? How about a song that means absolutely nothing but makes you bump and flex those dance muscles like there truly is no meaning life to get us ready for another decade of living life in existential dread? Yeah, that sounds good, thx!



3. "Day 'N' Nite" by Kid Cudi
What a slacker this guy is. It sounds like he's literally falling asleep while he mumbling out these rhymes, or he's just waking up and sputtering 'em out in exchange for a first sip of coffee. And that's exactly what makes it so hypnotic! His dreamy aesthetic is precisely what Top 40 has needed, which is ironic since usually what music needs is an energy booster to encourage the music that there is something to celebrate, not a muscle relaxant that inspires everyone to just chill out for a quick second. But that's what Top 40's has come to. It used to be boring and now it's just too flashy and all up in our grills. Unfortunately it's impossible for Cudi to completely floor everyone his first time out with this subtle shift in hip hop, but maybe overtime the Kanye protege will shake some butts off of the dancefloor and into a pair of Boses.



2. "Good Girls Go Bad" by Cobra Starship
Emo has officially died, my friends. Sure, so many have prematurely pronounced it deceased for years now, but the truth is, it was just struggling for air until now. And it's delightfully fitting, actually, that emo died not in a glorious fury of flames and slit wrists, but in a cavalcade of glitz and glamor, i.e. everything that's completely opposite of everything that it ever stood for (if a genre of music based around whining about girls could ever really stand for anything). And as a former emo boy extraordinaire, I am proud to officially eulogize the guitars that emoted and the lyrics that lamented lost youth. Now, we, like Gabe Saporta (formerly himself a full-fledge emo boy in the Drive-Thru Records band Midtown), must make the good girls go bad instead of letting their badness make us sad. We are through, emo, and I have traded you in for white sunglasses, neon sports cars, and a guest verse from an attractive teen soap opera star.



1. "Love Story" by Taylor Swift
There is now but one way to communicate the notion of love, and that is through song. The song "Love Story" by Taylor Swift, to be more precise. Let's leave it at that, because really, there's nothing to be said except to let the song tritely but oh so honestly speak for itself...

Romeo save me, they try to tell me how to feel /
This love is difficult, but it's real /
Don't be afraid, we'll make it out of this mess /
It's a love story, baby just say yes

Today's Top 40 Spectrum: Closing Out 2009 With Misogyny and Narcissism!

In response to this post's title: in other words, nothing new. But this final new set of Minneapolis Top 40 bangers are perfect embodiments of the year as a whole in more ways than one. Not only does the lyrical content veer toward the aforementioned themes, but each represents a certain stylistic fad that was both extremely prevalent in this year of 2009 and we can pray, depending on whether I like it or not, for its imminent death in 2010 or its next step in the pop evolution. Next month look for a traditional Best of 2009 Top 40 post, but for right now, let's take a look at the ones that the final year of a troubled decade will take to its death, ranked from best to worst...


"Tik Tok" by Kesha: The most we can hope for in 2010 is that the M.I.A. swagger will be transferred to more solo female artists, even if it only is in small and tangential doses like it is here. But even with a just a tinge of disaffected punk rock delivery, Kesha creates a more interesting air around her voice than any other on this list. Yes, even with a P. Diddy reference inside the song's first two measures, and yes, even with an unhealthy dollop of unnecessary Autotune, the song still works. The verse is much more lip-quivering fun, with its contradictory happy synth skipping, but even the "I'm gonna party all night long because I'm awesome" chorus is marginally delightful with its hi-hat decimation and (admittedly generic) pulsing dance beat.



"Bad Romance" by Lady Gaga: Another month, another Lady Gaga single. And even in saying that in an effort to sum up 2009's trend of - very simply - Lady Gaga, I feel like I've already used that line to fill space talking about the NYC sensation all year long. That said, this is clearly the best song she's put out among her four thousand singles that have grown like weeds all over the pop culture ether for the past twelve months. In addition, it's the closest she's been able to transition from her faux-avant-garde beginnings to full-fledged as-avant-garde-as-mainstream-can-get, and for that, I can't knock her. And even though I will continue argue that she cannot be our generation's Madonna (Madonna already filled that role, sorry), at least this track does not fit one of the two common 2009 pop song themes (though almost all her other songs do).


"Sexy Chick" by David Guetta & Akon: Well this makes me feel icky. Not only are there all kinds of wrong going on in the refrain's swollen lyric "I'm trying to find the words to describe this girl without being disrespectful", but the thing I actually like about this song (the minimalist electro-clash production, which I pray we see more of in '10) also adds to the creepy woman-hating vibe that trounces through both the low, mumbled verses and the ejaculatory chorus. In fact, it's almost knee-slappingly hilarious/appalling how transparent Akon is being here with his ode to a woman's physical beauty and inability to praise it without comparing it to a neighborhood whore, and just straight up saying "damn!" every other line. But oh the kitchen-sink drums how they come and build out of nowhere halfway through the drop-out and bring the beat back while he says "damn you a sexy chick" over and over! So conflicting!



"Body Language" by Jesse McCartney & T-Pain: Hahahaha does T-Pain really start off this song by saying "nappy boy pretty boy collaboration / that thing you got behind you is amazing"?! That's positively spellbinding is what that is. It's a thing of dreams, to find out two people that basically crap in a studio and let producers turn it into wimpy/catchy riffs have come so far to all but admit that that's exactly what they do in the first lyric of their hit single. And if that's not enough for you, they go on to practice some obligatory racist exoticism as they spout off a couple lines in French and Japanese talking about how no matter language you speak, your ass does all the talkin'. And speaking of "the other", I really enjoy how in the video, T-Pain stays locked up in the vocal isolation booth in the distance while Jesse performs on stage for hundreds and frolics on the beach. Lucky for these boys that low-end keyboard and vocal overlapping near the end is totally beast!!! Let's get more of that in 2010!



"3" by Britney Spears: When will she go away? Even as I type that, I don't 100% want it. For as obnoxious as the chorus of this song is (really? counting to three and namedropping Peter, Paul, and Mary while also talking about how you everyone wants you? what's the connection?), she always lands producers that make up for it with at least a couple neat tricks. The subtle post-chorus stop-start breakdown is clever, but even more so, I thought I better stick around for a bridge the first time I heard it because somehow I anticipated something wonderful. I was right; it's a gorgeous comedown that despite the Autotune (c'mon Brit, you don't need to use it that excessively like the other, we know it's all pitch-shifted anyway) is immaculately and lushly executed. Unfortunately, those moments of pop brilliance happen so infrequently that I can't help but place her at the bottom of my list.

P.S. KDWB Music Director, if you're reading this, get "Forever" by Drake on the Top 10 of your playlist already! Requested by me and my friend Molly k thx bye!

Today's Top 40 Spectrum: "Giving 'Em What They Want"

This weekend, Lady Amy and I ran into a former co-worker from our days as student staff at Radio K who is now program director, music director, and DJ for a Top 40 station one state to our West. Needless to say, I was very interested in his job duties, which include "playing whatever [Minneapolis KISS-FM affiliate] KDWB plays" and "calling a consultant in Washington, D.C. to help decide the playlist." But what struck me most was when he kind of instinctively (without provocation, I swear) defended his actions as a Top 40 programmer, proclaiming, "you can't blame the artists or the stations; we're just giving 'em what they want." Now that's a whole can of worms that could easily be delved into all willy nilly, but to keep things more directed and focused, let's consider such a statement when discussing this month's spectrum below, ranked from best to worst (the first 4 of which I genuinely enjoy on some level)...



"Replay" by Iyaz: In my mind, there's a traditional/stereotypical sense of the phrase "what they want" and this song fits it perfectly. It's safe, it's warm, and it's basically harmless. It's easy to consume due to its slick production, but lacks an abundance of bells and whistles that would make another Top 40 contender overly flashy and headache-inducing. To some, this may also imply innocuousness, and yes, its gentle and forgettable beat in some ways overshadows what seems to me right now the most catchy melody (and it even uses the word "melody" in its lyrical refrain) on the radio in months. So, yes, it's "what they want," but it's not necessarily what they'll remember. Luckily, Top 40 has to and will always live completely in the present; it will only use nostalgia in subtle ways to recycle fashions and styles and it will never be groundbreaking. But I'm okay with that - that's why listening to other music in addition to Top 40 is obviously vital.



"Whatcha Say" by Jason Derulo: The funny thing with this single is that it uses nostalgia pretty obliquely for people like you and me, who have distinctly pleasant memories of the Garden State trailer (same singer, different song), The O.C., and "Dear Sister", the SNL Digital Short spoofing The O.C., but the sample of Imogen Heap probably largely falls on the deaf ears of today's youth. And yes, I'm including even the sincere high school viewers of The O.C. 4-5 years ago, who have most definitely now moved on to bigger and brighter things (hopefully). And even if they haven't, just like Flo Rida burning up the charts by sampling "Right Round" a few months ago or Kanye sampling Daft Punk, it's subtle enough to turn into something that one wants rather than what one "discovers" or even "grows to like." They're predisposed to the Heap riff, while newcomers are drawn in because it sounds a little different, but the (admittedly well sung, whether or not AutoTune is in the mix) R&B lead is familiar enough to make the Glee-inspired definition of a "mash-up" congeal into something desirable for the listener.



"Fireflies" by Owl City: Where to begin. First of all, I just spent a good five minutes scouring YouTube for an embeddable version of this video and all I found were literally HUNDREDS of self-uploaded videos of kids singing and/or playing acoustic guitar/piano covers of this song. I watched probably 40 seconds total of three different ones while debating whether or not to post one here and I feel creepy now for spending part of my Monday night doing so. Thanks Owl City. Okay - do the kids (until now referred to as "they") want this? Apparently. The answer why is probably obvious (it's saccharine, catchy, and just a teensy bit different from the rest of Top 40), but what I'm more interested in is why did people like my former co-worker give it to them? Mr. City from Owatonna, MN could have survived just fine on that gigantic plane of emo artists between indie and Top 40, still selling out copious gigs and somehow selling a respectful number of CDs without direct support from either Pitchfork or KISS-FM. Well, it's because someone finally realized how universally appealing The Postal Service would be if the lyrics weren't as poetic and the electronics turned into lite arena rock halfway through the song.



"Paparazzi" by Lady Gaga: Are her mediocre/catchy pop songs conduits for her truly awesome performance pieces or has she culled together random weirdness so her mediocre/catchy pop songs don't get lost in shuffle over the course of the next few months? There's no way to be sure until her curiously short new 8-song release comes and goes [did Drake really bring the EP form into the mainstream?], not much more than a year after her breakthrough album The Fame. Maybe it's all sleek and successful marketing by those just having fun with their fond memories of The Cell, The Fifth Element, Fischerspooner, and/or Zoolander. Or maybe we should be thankful that Gaga's finally giving the masses what they've been craving for since...well geez, I definitely can't remember the last time a pop artist went batcrap crazy in their videos/performances instead of real life; can you?



"Fallin' For You" by Colbie Caillat: This I need your help with, folks. Why do people want this? Do they want it or is it just that it's so bland that every white person who owns two or more pieces of khaki-colored clothing feels like they're required to like it? I mean, it's been a while since Vanessa Carlton, Michelle Branch, Sheryl Crow, Jewel, or Paula Cole were popular, so I guess Caillat is just part of the cycle of slight desire. No one wants it so bad that they feel like they need it, no one wants it because it's just a little bit different from what's already on the radio, and no one wants it because it's the continuation of something prevalent in today's trends. They want it because it's been a while since a soothing yet mildly passionate female voice over an acoustic open chord progression and layered "oohs" has dominated the airwaves. After Caillat's had her fun, we'll go back to our Auto-Tuned hip hop and nth-wave emo, and a year or so down the road, we'll meet another young mild-mannered young thing with a penchant for swaying her long hair back and forth while she giggles as Bobby Moynihan (I kid you not) courts her in a storytelling music video.

P.S. Starting this Wednesday, a pretty fun thing (for myself, anyway) is happening at my brand new Tumblr. For those that like countdowns, pretentious music and/or movies, check it out as I'll be updating it every twelve hours for at least a year or so.

Cable Television Rundown: A Post-Mad Men World Makes Me Focus On Music For TV Series

Friends, it's only been a week since Mad Men went off the air until next summer, and already things are looking quite dire. Sure, Curb Your Enthusiasm is still finishing up its mostly stellar seventh season, It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia is reliable, and Sons of Anarchy is butt-kicking, dark and heart-wrenching, but for the most part, television is disappointing me. DISAPPOINTING ME, folks!!!

Dexter has gotten to the point where stuff better happen to the central character that has actual consequence and better happen soon or else I might be done with it for good. 30 Rock has gone from guffaw-tastic to gentle smile-worthy, with nary a hard laugh to be found. Saturday Night Live's 35th season is reminding me a lot of the season where Jay Mohr was a major contributor -- when an entire main sketch revolves around January Jones pretending to fart as Grace Kelly on the set of Rear Window, you know things are getting slim. Hell, even The Soup seems to be drying up -- is Joel McHale spreading himself too thin by hosting the show and starring in Community (which, by the way, also mostly disappointed me).

Thankfully, folks, we do have one different lens by which to look at television with -- the musical score to the television show. Starting with the masterfully creepy score to Twin Peaks, many series throughout the years have very successfully used the score to deepen our relationship with characters, situations, etc. Angelo Badalamenti pioneered the methods that our favorite television shows use today with the many memorable musical cues in Twin Peaks.

Deadwood's spare, haunting score often illuminated the dark specter of death and the celebration of life, especially through the harrowing last few episodes of its second season:



Dexter's creepy, crawly end credits music, composed by Rolfe Kent, is, to me, even more memorable than the opening credits:



The witty banter between Lorelei and Rory Gilmore in Gilmore Girls wouldn't have had as much occasionally heart-warming elements without its understated Tegan and Sara-esque "La La" music:

Everyone remembers The O.C.'s theme song, but what I loved the most were its Explosions in the Sky style ending credits (when they changed it to something a lot less epic in the third season, I was not happy. At. All.)

The end credits to The Wire by Blake Leyh (song title: "The Fall") is just a "no duh" choice:

Lost's score, composed by Michael Giacchino, is alternately mysterious, action-packed, touching, and wacky-but-not-too-wacky. It also drives the action of the series more than



Six Feet Under's memorable theme song, from Thomas Newman, still gives me chills:



Finally, The Sopranos' use of popular song left an indelible new impression of those songs in my brain, especially in the series' final scene (obviously don't watch this if you haven't watched the whole series before):

Angry Amy on How Being a Giant Tease Really Does Keep People Interested

If anything should be a barometer for your relevance as a musician/as a person, it should definitely be that #1 Billboard hit you wrote back in the '70s. But for some people it's just not good enough to have a very popular song which everyone will recognize for decades to come. No, those people want more. They want everyone to not only recognize their song forever, but to have people want to talk to them forever too. If you want to remain wanted for a long time you have to give the people a reason to talk to you. And what better way than to unnecessarily keep a secret that everyone wants to know for so long that hopefully a new generation of people are losing sleep over it?! So those musicians feign letting their art speak for itself while continuing to coyly solicit interviews about their song.

Yes, I AM talking about you, Carly Simon!


Does anyone still alive even care about who the subject of "You're so Vain" is? Cuz it's becoming increasingly obvious to this blogger that interest is fading - and fast - or Ms. Simon wouldn't be upping the stakes of her coquettish game of "guess who." Last week, Carly Simon went on WNYC's music talk show Soundcheck only to dangle another clue like a carrot hanging over the head of a well-fed, contented, sleeping horse. This time, she embedded the name "David" backwards into a new recording of the song because that's totally what the kids spend their time doing these days - listening to records backward so our parents won't find out what's really in that rock and roll music we listen to!

I must admit, this Angry Amy episode has been festering since 2003, when Simon auctioned off the piece of useless information for $50,000 at a charity auction (which I always thought was an ironically vain move). Then in 2004, she told Regis Philbin that she planned on letting it out in "dribs and drabs," giving out an "A," "E," and "R" (according to Wikipedia). Here's Simon flirting like a schoolgirl about the song with Ellen in 2008...


When will this stop?!?!?!? Please , for the love of all that is holy - Carly Simon, sh** or get off the pot. And that's what makes me angry!

Angry Amy Wants to Know What Happened to Her High School Crush

It's one thing when your high school celebrity musician crush starts sucking and you can't respect his art anymore. It's another thing when you've lost track of him for years and suddenly he resurfaces with something else to embarrass you. Take Weezer, for example. I knew that their 2005 Make Believe release was the beginning of a slippery slope into suckdom, but I never would have guessed that four years later I'd be hearing their song uncomfortably blended with dentist office music.

Here is a video of my beloved Rivers Cuomo sharing the stage with the King of Easy Listening -- the one and only Kenny G:



If you look closely, I think you can actually see the bands' dignity shrink as Mr. G creeps onto the stage and gives them a Smurf-like smirk as he injects their poppy jam with his smooth jazz. I don't know if that's more awkward or if it's Rivers' alternation between shoe gazing and power guitar stance. Or maybe it's showing off his midriff as he rocks out. I don't know, but I don't like it.

Qualler Visits the Classics: The Fiery Furnaces, "Blueberry Boat"

(NOTE: This is another part of my sorta-informal Best Albums of the Decade list. The one album featured so far was The Fire Theft's self-titled record. Here's yet another one of my faves.)

I'm probably not unique in the fact that my music development went through a few different stages in my life. I was introduced to music through Sesame Street and a couple of cassette tapes that my dad made me of his Beatles and Beach Boys vinyl stashed in the basement. (I thought, when I was three-years-old, that the Beach Boys were the coolest band ever, and The Beatles were a little corny.) I started listening to the pop radio station, where I totally dug Paula Abdul's "Opposites Attract" and hated "Stand" by R.E.M. (Again, Abdul with her cartoon cat duet partner in that music video totally cool, R.E.M. way too corny.) In elementary to middle school, I started to realize that to be a real "dude" I should be into rock music. The epic third LP by Pearl Jam, Vitalogy, was one of my first true album obsessions, with its unusual-to-an-11-year-old musical detours into accordian and sound-collage ("Bugs", "Hey Foxymophandlemama, That's Me"). Radiohead's OK Computer was the logical modern step forward from the Pink Floyd stuff that I was also listening to around the same time. From about 1997 to 2001, my musical development basically consisted of non-stop discovery of new and interesting ideas that I didn't know could exist in music.

By the time I got to college, being inundated with like-minded music nerds meant I was listening to new music nonstop, new bands, new sounds. Yet, in that hip way that only a college student can successfully pull off without really seeming like a jackass, little of that music gave me that same sense of joy that I felt the first time I heard OK Computer, or "Hey Foxymophandlemama, That's Me", or, okay, "Opposites Attract". That is until I heard The Fiery Furnaces second album, Blueberry Boat.

Blueberry Boat - The Fiery Fur...

I was walking home from a long, frustrating session of computer programming at the U of M's computer lab back in 2004, feeling like my brain was total mush, frustrated that all the different lines of code made no sense to me, when I put this recently purchased compact disc into my player. The opening strains of the title track sounded like a kaleidescope of orderly confusion not unlike how my brain actually felt at the time. It was a total revelation -- music with crazy time signature changes, bleeps-and-bloops, lyrics about pirate ships full of blueberries, oh and wicked awesome shredding on the guitar, Keith Moon-esque drum fills, heartfelt emotion, and an overall sprawling nature reminiscent of those pretentious double-albums that I totally dug more than actually warranted back in the day. Finally, this music gave me that same new-discovery type buzz that I had been lacking, that the mundane nature of my computer programming had been beating out of my brain.

The joys of this album, though, come out the most through repeated listens. And I listened to this album repeatedly. Soon enough, the lyrical genius of the Friedbergers (Matthew and Eleanor) shined through, the rapid time signature changes didn't seem as jarring, and the album began to flow a lot like those albums that I obsessed over. The epic ten-minute opener "Quay Cur" takes Eleanor's cutting voice and (I think) speeds it up just a little to make it sound just a little otherworldly. But it's the rapid-fire acoustic blues guitar riffage that really puts the song into another stratosphere. The most straight forward rocker on the album "Straight Street" also features about 1 1/2 minutes of haunting organ / violin action that crept into my head. "Chris Michaels" really piles on the aforementioned Keith Moon-esque drum fills; it works as an homage and a reinvention of classic rock. As the album goes on, more and more of these moments that at first sound like the most confusing thing ever end up melding totally into my head.

It's great to discover music that makes you feel alive like this album does, or mid-90s Pearl Jam did, or, alas, Paula Abdul and a cartoon cat did back in the day. And I can think of no other album in the 90s that filled me with as much joy and excitement as this album. It doesn't hurt, either, that the musicianship is outstanding and the lyrical content is witty and clever. Blueberry Boat, then, is definitely a Qualler classic of the '00s.

Today's Top 40 Spectrum: Pop Radio Staples and The Status Quo

This month's Top 40 is full of the same old same old, plus Jay Sean. It's frustrating and familiar, boring and comfortable, and all mapped out, ranked from best to worst, in this handy grouping of paragraphs below...



"Run This Town" by Jay Z & Rihanna feat. Kanye West: It's about time, Z. It's taken me far too long to learn to appreciate Mr. Beyonce's awkward slacker baritone rhyming. Yes, it's thrown practically into the background with Rihanna's almost grating refrain dominating the balance, but its mere presence (alongside Kanye's similarly classic awkward delivery) is enough to put some humanity into the rap game. Sure, it's full of the requisite machismo and ego, but at least it sounds like it's emanating from two men of average stature, even though we all know there's little to nothing average about either of these superstars. But they've climbed the ranks because their styles are so uniquely pedestrian and somehow it's still not old. West forgoes the AutoTune (possibly thanks to Jay Z's understanding of hip hop purity) and Jay-Z keeps his beat tense but minimal (on some listens, it admittedly comes across as lifeless), churning out an effortless (yes, possibly in a bad way) quick hit that sounds a little realer than it probably should. And that's fine with me.


"Down" by Jay Sean & Lil' Wayne: But sometimes that which feels the most "real" or the less "tricked out" just ends up sounding inert and like airwaves filler material. I mean, his album is called Blueprint 3 for crying out loud, as if he's outlining the same thing for the third time. At least people like Jay Sean are riding on the coattails of a bombastic trend and are one-upping those before them with an instrumental track that's even more dramatic than most of Ne-Yo's or Chris Brown's attempts at saccharine space-hop. At least he's incorporating the voice of another rapper that has been lost on the charts for some time while he's blogging for ESPN, having just enough time pass by so that people are clamoring for some raspy AutoTune, but not quite too long so as to have the majority of the prospective audience not remember him or stop caring about him. Yes, it's sickly sweet and arguably just as mind-numbingly blank-slated as the track slotted above this one, but at least its laminated heart is lovingly paved over with gloss so immaculately constructed that it goes down the 'ol "ear-throat" like a medicine that makes your stomach hurt a little bit and doesn't actually make you feel better, but at least it tasted kinda like grape soda.



"Party in the U.S.A." by Miley Cyrus: I first saw this song performed on The Today Show during their "Summer Concert Series" that I somehow caught far too often as my summer days dwindled down and the beginning of the school year loomed nearer and nearer. As I sat catatonic in my boxers with a tiny plastic cup of orange juice in my hand, I watched a group of JC Penney models act as Cyrus's backing band while she plastered a smile on her face and phoned in a song about partying with hand claps and a pristine swishing guitar lick. After the performance, I could see through Matt Lauer's receding hairline into his skull and the machinations of his mind became crystal clear to me, telepathically communicating to my own inner thoughts, through my bedhead and thin film of drool that had traversed across my cheeks overnight and onto my forehead. If the dusty cogs and gears could have been be translated into English, they would have groaned with defeated earnestness into Cyrus's ear in the midst of the August rain: "My heart is ripe with sorrow and my soul is but a faint memory from a cloudy past." The studio version of the song is kinda catchy, though.



"Already Gone" by Kelly Clarkson: If Clarkson ever attempted a ballad in the past, I don't remember it. But I'm sure she did at some point; maybe it just didn't become a single? I'm not sure and this new found confusion is affecting me to a deeply disturbing degree. Her voice is still aces. The strings are synthetically golden. The simple kick-snare beat is dampened, reverbed, and split into stereo echo, rendering it sweetly hypnotic. But holy stinkin' crap is this song boring. Even when the hi-hat and tambourine glimmers into the track's second half and the guitar pulses slightly into the mix while Clarkson's voice gets a little wobblier with every falsetto ululation, it still manages to fall limp into my eardrums. Yes, if I very carefully and with the utmost attention caress the plastic on my headphones as I pick out every detail from the production, these parts add up to an impressive sum, but when played while my back slouches and I quick check something on iMDB about some actor I've been wondering about lately, it all fades so easily into the background. It's too gorgeous to be muzak and too specifically sculpted to be even mediocre; it's just disappointingly perfect.



"Sweet Dreams" by Beyonce: Are we still worrying about Sasha Fierce? In fact, all of the names above with the exception of Jay Sean (and still, the only reason his song is near the top is because of Weezy) are old news to the max. Do we really need to comb through the wreckage of the throwaway halves of albums from almost a year ago to find hit tracks, especially as the winter seasons approaches and I would think record execs would want to excite the public with some new artists and/or albums to keep their minds occupied while their bodies freeze? Or is it that in order for us to thaw out in the car in between short bursts from door to door, we need to hear the familiar, reminisce about the summer jams through fourth and fifth singles off records that we almost forgot about, but then were force-fed to relive the magic of in order to subtly tingle us into submission with the same homogenized airwaves we've already accepted and "enjoyed" for years and years? Here's to hoping next month's Top 40 Spectrum is a bit less of the same and a little more of the WTF.

Stars: They're Nothing Like Us (The Ga Ga for Science Edition)

Here's a possible recent conversation between Lady GaGa and her stylist...

L.G. -- Hey super crazy stylist who may or may not be smoking meth when you make my costumes! I was just asked to perform on SNL this Saturday and I need a new outfit.

Stylist -- Wow, that's great. Let's see, you've already been a fake-baked Pikachu, a bloody tampon, slutty Little Red Riding Hood, a cheetah in a tiger-skin Slanket, a sexy stalker librarian, and a dominatrix hockey player. What else is there?

L.G. -- Plus, I've been a crow in a neck brace, Princess Leia up to her buns in crochette projects, and Courtney Love. I'm totally out of ideas.

Sylist -- Well, let's think. What really screams Saturday Night Live? Sat-ur-day. Satur-n-day. Saturn. Outerspace. Science! Let's do science something or other.

L.G. -- Hmmm...science? Will I still get to go pants-less? Because otherwise my grandma won't be able to see me.

Sylist -- We'll find a way...



As it turns out, science and fashion are a little awkward together. You would think that they'd make the gyroscope big enough to go around her head instead of smacking her in the forehead. It was especially hilarious when she couldn't sit down at the piano. Take that, Lady GaGa! That's what you get for needing to be eccentric for eccentricity's sake. Maybe next time you'll try a pair of jeans.